Friends

Life seem to finally be getting pack to "normal" well for me anyway. For him it wasn't going to be normal until he had his surgery. He had secluded himself, he rarely talked to his friends. He missed them. He missed basketball. The little things in life we all take for granted he came to appreciate . He had a new perspective. Being able just to climb stairs, eating, playing basketball all things that he used to do without hesitation he now couldn't, its simple things he said so simple but it takes a lot of energy for me to do. He hated it, but he refused to let his body and cancer slow him down. He bounced a basketball around the house, he started slowly building up his strength with weights. He was damned if he was just going to sit there.

He had plans to get back to the gym. I know he did, he didn't want to tell anyone he wanted that to be his big come back. I'm going to be better than before he said, watch me. I was so proud of him and happy that he was willing to put in the effort. He texted his friends often and gave them updates to keep them in the loop. Some never responded, or acknowledged him. That hurt him. Made me mad. He would tell me, I don't understand, I have known some of these people for over years, and they wont even reply to me, or ask to see how I'm doing , why? What could I say? I saw the hurt in his eyes, I saw the disappointment. He needed friends, he was reaching out, but he wasn't getting a response.

Listen I  said, maybe they just don't know how to handle all of this. Maybe its too much, some people just don't know how to deal with this, You are their friends, and they might now want to or cant see you like this. Yea maybe he said, but I know if they were like this, I wouldn't leave them alone. But zaira I have some friends I just met, right before this bullshit happened and those friends call me or text me more than the others. I never thought that would happen. This has opened my eyes to so many things. I couldn't make him feel better, he was hurting. I understood his pain, and I wish those friends had reached out, too late now.

A week before he was supposed to get on of his test done, Michael starting having pain again. It started off like a nuisance, he was having the pain where gallbladder is. I told him it needs to be removed,  take some pain pills. There was nothing he or I could do, the surgery had to be done that was the only way the pain would stop. As the days passed the pain got worse, he could lay down, sit , stand. It sucked. He was having back pain too, he would lay down it the couch and it would ease the pain, to where he could manage it. I goggled that was the only weapon I had. What could help him ease the pain from gallbladder. I found a tea i could make him. I went to the store and bought what i needed. I told him try this, I don't know if its going to help but its worth a try. He took it and it eased the pain!. THANK YOU google. It helped but the pain was constant. I felt hopeless yet again. I hated seeing him in pain, it killed me. He eventually stopped eating, he would vomit everything he took, including water. I was worried, I  called the surgeon and he basically told me what I knew. He couldn't do anything, he had to wait for surgery. If it got bad, then he told me to take him to the ER.

I knew he would go to the ER, so many times I had to drag him to ER. He hated going, I  hated going too. But if he needed to be there then so be it. I told him what the surgeon said, right away he said I'm not going to hospital. Ok I said, so you rather be laying here in pain than to be seen and given something to help you? You just don't get it he would tell me. I don't Michael , I'm trying . But I'm never going to truly understand what you are going through. I wish I could but I'm not, and I need you to stop telling me I don't get it. I see the pain in your face, I see it. I'm trying my hardest to help you, the only way I know how. I'm not a doctor, but I'm trying.

He saw the hurt in my eyes, I know he said I just wish you didn't have to see me like this, I don't want to hurt you. If this is what we have to go through then so be it, I'm not going to leave you. He still refused to go to ER. He got up and asked me to lay in bed with him, we laid there I massaged his neck and head, that was my way of relaxing him, usually worked. It did he fell asleep. He was sleeping for a good two hours, I was wide awake watching him. I was physically exhausted, and emotionally drained. He woke up, and got out of bed and ran to the bathroom, he was vomiting. Damn it I thought, I told him lets go to ER, no he said. I'm going to sit down in the living room, try and sleep. Sleep? yea right I said. Please sleep I know you haven't been and I don't want you to get sick.

I must have dosed off, I woke up around one in the morning, I  got up to check up on him. Nobody was home. My mind instantly went into overdrive, what happened ? Where is everyone? I remember him walking into the room, and telling me he was going to ER, I thought it was a dream,. I was so tired. I started calling him, no answer. His sister in law finally texted me , they were waiting to be seen. Ok good I thought. The next text I got was " He is being admitted". My heart sank, God what now?