Disapointments

A new year had arrived, we both where hopeful that this year would be better. He had his follow up finally with his surgeon. He was up before the sun came up he so excited. lol He kept telling me to get ready or I would be left, pfft. I told him bye then its two hours away calm down. He asked so your not going?.. I am I told him , I'm just saying its two hours away. Well I don't want to be late, we wont I said. We arrived to the doctors office thirty minutes early, that never happened. We usually got there right on time of appointment , usually because he took forever to get ready. He was super anxious, he kept fidgeting. I told him to breathe and relax it was going to be fine.

Zaira, if this isn't reversible I don't know what I'm going to do. I looked at him and I had no answers , I didn't know what was going to happen. So may times I had thought things where going to be ok, and they weren't. So I just told him, relax we will be fine regardless. He didn't like my answer but he agreed. He walked into the room, we waited for the doctor the nurse took his vital signs and his weight. All was good, yey I thought! He was maintaining weight he gained some weight too! All that holiday food he said.

Finally Dr. Smith walked in, he was always so calm and so smart. He said hi to us and asked him what issues we had if any. I took over lol , I always did. Half the time he had concerns and would ask the doctors, he would ask me when we got home. Really? I would tell him I don't know, I'm not a doctor! It was annoying, but I understood he half the time didn't wan to hear bad news, but with knowledge comes power. I needed to be informed to know what and how to help. I mentioned how he was still bleeding a bit from his colostomy, and fistula. The doctor was a bit concerned, he examined him, and said it wasn't a lot of blood, so he thought he might have an ulcer. He wanted him to go get that checked, he scheduled an appointment for him.

Doctor Smith looked at Michael and told him, I talked to Dr. Zafar and I heard the great news, that is fantastic! Michael thanked him, but before Michael could ask him the big question Dr. Smith told him,  I'm guessing you want to get this colostomy reversed. Michael face light up! YES! he said, when can I get this surgery done?!. Dr. Smith laughed calm down, we have to get a some test done first to make sure everything is ok.

Test? Michael said. Yes the doctor responded, we have to have you get a colonoscopy done to make sure your colon is ready for surgery. You just finished chemotherapy so you have to wait at least two to three weeks to make sure all chemicals are out of your system, and you colon and your body is clean of all those toxins. You have to be strong enough. Michael didn't like that. So I have to wait? Yes the doctor told him. I have to make sure the colon can be reversed. It had some bad tumors, and it has been beaten , I need to make sure it going to be ok. Wait? if it can? So there is a possibility it can't? Michael asked. Crap I thought, Dr. said well yes Michael. But you told me it was reversible!? He said. Dr. Smith sat down, listen I need to make sure this is going to be safe for you, do you want me to do this surgery and not be 100% sure its ok? If I do this without running test and the colon just breaks down, or the connection doesn't stay it can kill you. I'm not going to risk your life, so I'm going to ask you to do these test and make sure you stay healthy.

I don't think Michael cared if it didn't work he just wanted the surgery so bad, he didn't realize he had to take test or that it wouldn't be possible. He was disappointed to say the least. But he agreed to take all those test, he had no choice. He was scheduled to have all those test done, and if everything was good he would have his surgery by February. He would also have his gallbladder removed. We walked out of the office to the car. Michael was silent. What's wrong I asked? If looks could kill. SMH I'm not going to get the surgery, didn't you hear what he said?! He doesn't want me to get this surgery, I don't think he wants to do it!!..Wait what I thought, are you kidding right now I told him?

Michael I said, he what's you to make sure you are ok, physically . Your colon needs to rest and heal from all those chemicals, if its not safe I don't want you to do it either. Out of everything all he heard was that "I didn't want him to have it either" He was so mad. So you don't want me to have it either!?  Umm I do I told him, but not if its not safe, I'm not going to let you put yourself in danger. Its not worth it! Well I'm going to find another doctor then, good luck I told him. I just pissed him off more. He didn't hear reason as if I was talking to the damn wall. I let it go , I was arguing in vain. He needed to calm down, and understand what the doctor said, right now he was overanalyzing everything.

After that I got the silent treatment. lol We got home and he sat and watched sports, he was seriously mad at me. I didn't even know why, nothing was said to offend him , it was all for his own good. He was too damn stubborn. I made him dinner, he still ignored me. Whatever then don't talk to me I told him, I'm not going to anymore appointments with you, I don't even know why the hell you are mad. I love you and I'm just telling you the damn truth. You think I want you to risk your life? I walked out, and took a drive.

So much to deal with, sometimes I didn't know how I made it through. So much stress , I felt the weight on my shoulders. So many things that we kept between us, he didn't want to worry his family I was his outlet. But who was mine?.. Nobody I kept my fears, frustration locked up. I didn't have time to think about it. Michaels thoughts, concerns, fears all of it he told me. I reassured him, I kept him positive.  So may times the only time I had for me, was in the shower. My whole life revolved around him, around this new world. But I would do it all over again.