Christmas.

Christmas was approaching , things where good. He had some pains here and there but nothing major. He looked healthy again, he was eating more happiness was embracing us. He was anxious though he wanted his surgery. He wanted to feel normal again, fully. He was only going to be normal once his colostomy was reversed. Out of everything he had gone through having the colostomy was the one thing that made him feel like an outcast, less than a man. I didn't see what he saw. To me he was more of a man for fighting and staying strong. His physical shell didn't define him.

But making him understand that was something else. Being angry was an understatement , what made him ease the frustration was him knowing this wasn't permanent. So many times he would tell me I don't know what I would do if I had to live with this. I would tell him, nothing, life is about adapting and moving forward. Easy for you to say, he would say you don't have this shit, how do you know!. I said nothing, he was right I don't know. But I wouldn't let that slow me down and I didn't want him to feel like that mattered, because it didn't. But to him that was his scarlet letter.

If I learned anything from what we had gone through is to let go, change will happen, shit will happen, life happens. I can't control or predict the future, but I can control how I handle the situation, there is always a silver lining we just have to find it. It was hard for him to see it, but we had so many blessings. Cancer wasn't going to control our life, nope.

He was so worried about his brothers. It was always a topic of conversation, he didn't want them to suffer the pain or go through what he was going though. Knowing his cancer was genetic, worried him. He just wanted them to learn from his mistakes. He didn't think they understood. So many nights he would tell me, they don't get it. They don't see , they don't get it! Why ? I had no answers, I would tell him to talk to them. Tell them. Why?! he would say, they see it. They don't care , they don't even ask me how I'm feeling, they just go in and out and they see me just laying here or sitting in the living room, and they don't even acknowledge me sometimes. They rather go out then talk to me. That hurt him. All he wanted was to protect them. They love you, I would tell him they do care, they just don't know how to handle this situation. You are the big brother they look up to you, they don't like seeing you in pain. This is their way of dealing with it I told him.

Christmas had arrived, it was so good, seeing him laugh and enjoy life. We spent time with my family and his. My niece and nephew loved him. Where is Michael alla, alisson would always ask. Him and his star wars toys , my nephew loved it. He was teaching him basketball it was a good times. Family is so important , they are our shield our strength. We were so blessed to have unconditional support from his mom and mine. I am strong because of my experiences, and because of my mom. God bless her. Michael's mom was so strong through it all, we gave each other strength when I could deal with his stubbornness she stepped in haha. He knew I was done when I sent his mom in .. Anyways, Christmas was a beautiful day. I never thought or expected that to be our last.

His follow up with his surgeon was approaching, man you couldn't tell him nothing!. He was making so many plans, we are going to go to the movies, haha. We hadn't gone out to do anything since he got sick, we were always out. He promised he was going to take me out on a date. Where do you want to go?! he would ask me.  We are together now, that's all I want I said, Ugh he said fine, ill surprise you.  I would give anything to hear him laugh again, to just here him tell me one of his crazy stories.

Writing this has sucked. Lets be honest. I am reliving everything all over again, and this so far hasn't begun to describe half of the bullshit we went through. This half was a walk in the park compared to what life had in store for us, he were so oblivious to it.