Agony

What a whirlwind. Man oh man. Stress cant even begin to describe what we were going through. New treatment I thought, how much worse could it get? It was already bad enough, draining him, making him sick his body took a major toll. We talked about it, he wasn't worried. I'm sure it wont be as bad as the doctor is saying. Yes the first treatment was tough but I handled it. Yea I said but this is only treatment for patients that qualify for it. Its going to be different.

Its ok, I'm ready. The first time around Michael didn't loose his hair, this time the doctor said it could happen. Its ok Michael said ill shave it off, who needs hair? It grows back he said. His humor was back. The nurse walked in and told him he needed to start walking to get the healing started. Michael was not having any of it. I'm in pain he said, the nurse said I know, I can give you something to help but the doctor wants you to start walking. He said no, the nurse looked at me, I said its ok ill talk to him. She left and I talked , you have to walk a bit I said, we have to start on chemo as soon as possible. I don't want to give it a chance to spread even more. Please just in the room, baby steps.

No he said I'm in pain. You don't get how much it hurts. I was confused he hadn't told me he was in that much pain, I assumed it was the pain from the surgery. What hurts I said, my stomach he replied my gallbladder. Everything. I don't know why but I knew he was lying. God forgive me but I knew. I looked at him, he has anxiety I thought, he is afraid of feeling that pain again. He looked at me, zaira stop it don't look at me like that, how? I said like that. Fine it only hurts from the surgery. ha! Ok I said, your scared? Yes, I know once I start walking I might feel the pain again, It might get worse again. I don't want to feel that again. What could I say? Well you want to get better? yes of course he said. Well we shall walk.

I'm not rushing you but we need this scar to heal. Lets just walk around the room and go from there. He agreed. Baby steps, pain came back he was given medicine for it. Over night it seemed like all the pain that had gone away flooded back in to his body. He woke up in so much pain, in agony. The medicine he was on wasn't cutting it anymore. They had to call the on call doctor so many times just to give him an extra dose of medicine. I felt so helpless. I couldn't handle seeing him like that, it was too much. I wished I could trade places with him, he just needs rest I thought please make this pain stop.

The next morning, he was up no sleep all night. The nurse talked to his oncologist, he came in he saw him and saw the pain he was in. He ordered we talked to a pain specialist. He needed something stronger. He was placed back on the anxiety medicine. He was placed on blood pressure medicine, antibiotics, blood thinners, stool softener. So much crap. I hate taking all this he said. My body wasn't used to this.

It wasn't Michael never took any kind of medicine, he was always so healthy. I just don't get life sometimes. The oncologist sat down, Michael I know you are in pain, and I have given the nurses permission to give you pan medicine, but I cannot go past the limit. I believe the anxiety medicine will help you as well. But the faster you heal from this the faster we can start chemotherapy. We need to begin as soon as possible. I don't want to give cancer the chance to over power you.

Michael agreed. After that talk and the array of medicine something seemed to help. Michael began to walk, a bit everyday. Progress. I was anxious to have him start chemo. I was trying so hard to keep him motivated. I was so damn scared . We had so many bills, his insurance was about to run out. He was only on a year medical leave and that was about to run out. He had stopped receiving disability through work. How are we going to be able to afford this? All the medicines, the co pays for all the doctors, the medical supplies. So many things to figure out, I needed to fix this, make this work.