Desicions

I sat next to him, holding his hand. I was quiet , I was thinking, so many possibilities. I was trying to stay possitive but he was in this dark whole his happiness, hope, faith all sucked out of him. His eyes were sad, I saw nothing but pain. What could I do? I felt so helpless. What if he doesn't want to fight I thought. I couldn't contemplate the thought, sadness over powered me every time. Tears rolled out of my eyes, I need to be strong I kept thinking. Don't cry , don't cry be strong he needs you to be strong. I wiped my tears I held on to him tight, I never wanted to let go.

I turned my head and leaned it on the rail of the bed, I just looked at him. What if he leaves me? No I thought how dare I think like this, he won't , that won't happen. No matter how hard I tried , I kept silently crying, tears rolled out, those tears that hurt your soul my god, how must he feel right now?. I couldn't say anything, what could I say? When he was ready he would talk. At one point he let go of my hand, I grabbed it , he let go again. I looked at him, he was facing the other side, please don't I said, I grabbed his hand again.  I'm not letting go, he hurt me he was pushing me away.

He moved my hand away and placed his under the covers. I felt rejected, I looked at him and stood up and moved to the couch. No matter what you do to me I said, I wont leave you. You want to hurt me, fine but I'm staying here. I sat there wanting to get my kindle and Google, but why? I didn't need to get any more negativity everyone's journey is different, he was different. Instead I looked in ways I could help him beat this damn cancer. I found websites so much information, I was overwhelmed.

So I prayed, I needed answers I needed comfort, I needed strength. Prayer and my meditation eased some of the pain. He finally wanted to talk. He called me over to him, I sat next to him I reached for his hand he moved it. Ok I thought, he looked at me, he was different. His eyes were so sad, he was so disappointed he looked defeated. I instantly started shedding more tears. Stop he said. I'm sorry I told him, I know you are hurting, I know you are disappointed . Let it out, you are holding it in. You don't know what I feel he said. He was angry, I know I said I wish I could switch places with you, I don't like seeing you hurt.

He didn't react he was numb, he looked at me and held my hand. Listen you don't deserve to be with someone like this, look at me and worthless, I'm done fighting, I cant go through more chemo, the doctor said I should be at a hospice. That's not good, he said that for a reason, why be with someone like me if all your getting is pain, stress, and uncertainty. Its stupid, you deserve better than this as he pointed to his body. He started crying, leave , I won't blame you if you do.

Those words hurt me more than he ever knew . Here he was, my everything and he was telling me to leave. I know it can from a place of hurt, but still it hurt me. I looked at him and I said no. I don't care what you think, I not leaving, I don't know how many times I have to tell you I'm here to stay. But look at me he said, why would you want to ? Michael I love you that's the only reason there is. I don't care how your body looks, I don't care about the stress, we are going through this together.

Well I'm done fighting he said. I don't see no point if the doctor said what he did it was for a reason. Listen I said, I don't give a shit what the doctor opinion is, we haven't talked to your oncologist, he is the one that matters right now, not the surgeon. I am sure the oncologist will have a plan ready to go, I trust that man he was sent to us for a reason. He won't disappoint us.

You can either give up and let this take over your life, or you can fight and take back the power. Its your decision at the end of the day. I can't fight for you, I can't take the chemo for you. but I can be next you . I will be your rock, I will be with you through it all , I promise. I have so much faith in you I told him, I have faith I want you to have faith as well.

You won't leave me? No I said, I'm here though thick and thin. Are you in for the fight? He looked at me, I saw a change his eyes changed his expression changed. I am he said. Through thick and thin. He finally broke down, I promise I will keep fighting and I wont give, I promise. He looked at me and said I don't want to leave you either, I heard you I don't ever want you to cry again, or hurt because of me. I will fight for you. No I said , you will fight for you. I need you to want to be better, not because of me or anyone else but because this is what YOU want it. I do want it he replied, ok then we have a fight on our hands.

Thank god, I thought he will fight. I was so proud of him. Now we had to wait for the oncologist to come in and talk to us. I was anxious to know what was next. He would know so much more, he had results of the test, he knew what medicines he could take. He knew what we were up against. Till then we were under this veil of uncertainty.