Revealing the truth

I couldn't look him in the eyes, I couldn't . How could I? Once he knew the truth I would break his heart, hope would fade, fear would sneak in. I was taking a deep breath getting ready to tell him, when he took hid blankets off. He was laughing flat in the bed he couldn't really see. I covered him back up, please Michael I said. He grabbed my hand I looked at him and tears rolled down my face. I didn't have reversal did I? I shook my head, I couldn't even bring my self to say anything. I couldn't I know I wouldn't be able to tell him anything.

Looking at him and seeing the disappointment, and realizing that I might not see him again broke me. I started crying the one thing I tried not to do, I did. I hugged him, I cried so much, he comforted me. Please tell me what is wrong. I stood up I wiped my face and I told him. No you didn't have the reversal, so they did find a tumor in my gallbladder so that why he didn't do it? he asked. Yes I said. Well then don't worry im not happy but I can get chemo. Tears kept coming, Michael that's not all I said.

He looked at me with a confused expression, ok he said. Listen im going to tell you this but lets not jump to conclusions this is one doctors opinion you have the power to make things happen. The cancer spread, its on your colon, the reason why he wasn't able to check earlier was because a tumor was blocking the device. Its around your gallbladder, that's why you have been in pain, and its on the lower stomach and on the lining of your stomach.

I stood still focused on him, on his reaction. He looked at me tears rolled down his cheeks. Why ? he asked . I had no answers, I cried that's all I could do. What else did the doctor say? I didn't want to say it , telling him what the doctor told me was me giving up on him. I refused . I didn't want to repeat it. But he knew. You are not telling me something say it! he was mad,  no lies remember. Well im not lying I just don't want you to give up based on what he said, its not the end. Just tell me!. Michael he said that we should discuss your options now, that you should be placed in a hospice.

I looked at him and I saw him process everything I told him. He was angry, he broke down and cried. Why is this happening to me? Why am I being punished ? What did I do to deserve this?! Nothing I told him, I don't know why Michael but I know that you can decide not to let this beat you and fight. There is no point he said, I'm tired of fighting. I don't want to have chemo again. I'm done he said.

No I said your not. If you want this to be it then it will be. You have the choice here, if you want to fight then we will fight. But the choice is yours. I don't give a shit what the doctor said I told him, you decide what you want. He looked away , I'm done he said. If this is it then fine. I sat down, my fear crept in. I was fighting my own thoughts. I cant force him to fight I thought, but I cant watch him just give up. I never imagined him not being around me. Never did the thought of death and him cross my mind. Even after everything I had heard I still had hope. I had faith. But in those moments when I heard him tell me he was done, it happened.

I cant loose you I told him. You cant leave me. I looked at him, my eyes full of tears, I can't. I walked out of the room. He needed to be alone, I needed to pray. I walked towards the elevator his family was there waiting, I couldn't, talk I needed to breathe. I walked to the chapel, I sat on my chair, I looked at the cross. Why I asked? Why him? Why is this happening? I was mad, I questioned everything. I broke down. The priest sat next to me, I didn't even notice him walk in.

Cry he said, let it all out, scream if you need to . I got you. My prayer had been answered. God works in mysterious ways. The priest told me, I don't know why this is happening, but know that you and him are not being punished. He would not hurt you like this. You will be fine, pray when you need to. I will pray for you both. You are caring the world on your shoulders, I see it he said, give all your worries to him. You can either have worry on your mind or faith. There is no room for both.

In that moment I decided to have faith. I gave all my fears to God, I wasn't scared about the future. I was worried that Michael wouldn't see what I saw. I thanked the priest and left to see Michael. His family had left, I walked in he was pretending to sleep. He didn't want to talk. I didn't want to force him. I told him I know you are awake, I'm not going to bother you , I'm just going to sit here. When you are ready we will talk.