Uncertian.

I think we were in our fourth day in the hospital, my days are blurred. So many things happen so close together I forget the dates, but let me make one thing clear I will never forget what happened the information received. Having to write this forces me to remember things to be honest I completely blocked my own defense system. Protecting myself from the pain. Yet I'm hearing digging up all the memories opening up my covered wounds. Because those wounds haven't healed yet.

One of the test Michael had taken came back good, he had enough healthy colon in his rectum to be reattached. Great! I thought lets get the other test done. That day he would have the colonoscopy done it would check his colostomy make sure the colon that they had attached to his stomach was healed from chemotherapy, make sure it wasn't swollen or anything. It would also let the doctor know if he had enough length to attach to rectum without being stretched too much. He would also have his gallbladder checked. Make sure the antibiotics where doing what they were supposed to.

Great I thought things are moving along. His pain had minimized a lot. He was back to joking around, his diet was restricted because of the gallbladder, he didn't care though. I don't know how many visits or stays we had at the hospital. The hospital the first time we were there they had started building a parking garage, we could see it from our window. By this visit that garage was done, and they had begun construction on the nurses and doctors garage. I saw that building go up, that's how often we were there. Being at the hospital made my days long, he would sleep most of the time, I would read. Even though we were at the hospital I cherish those moments, it was me and him. We talked about everything, we laughed we cried.

I am grateful for those that took the time and visited him. He acted though and acted like it didn't bother him that no one visited but it did. He hardly had visitors, I hated it. I could only be his entertainment for so long, I knew he needed to talk to someone else. But what could I do? I cant force no one to visit someone . Those that visited him or even took the time to call or reply to his messages, thank you. He needed to hear from the "outside" world. He needed to have some sort of normal in his life. He light up when he had visitors they distracted him, they made him happy he was able to leave this world we were in.

The nurses came in and got Michael ready to leave for the test. it would be about an hour or so. He told me to go out and take a breath of fresh air. I went down to the chapel the garden was opened. I sat there and exhaled. God I thought, I never thought I would be here in this situation. How crazy is life. One moment you are filled with joy the next it sucked out of you. What a whirlwind. I returned back to the room, Michael was back. The nurse told me he was groggy they had given him something for the pain.

He knew always when I stood over him. What a creep, lol but I stood over him just looking at him. What a difference a few months can do, what a difference a decision can make. I looked at him in awe. I was proud of him, he was a fighter a stubborn one but a fighter. He opened his eyes, and said goodness I know I look good but damn.. haha . I miss him..

I asked the nurse when we would know what results showed she said she would be able to see them in her system, but wasn't really able to explain it to us. But that she would be able to tell if it was good or bad, and she would let me know.

Dr. Smith came in I couldn't read his face. He said his colonoscopy test was unclear. Hmm I thought why? He said he knew he had a ulcer in colon, and the ulcer had blocked the tiny camera from going all the way in his colon to check. The parts he was able to see looked good, but he wasn't able to check all of it. The gallbladder was also unclear. He saw a lot of stones and he knew that they had to come out, but something was off. He saw something next to the gallbladder that concerned him. He didn't know what it was but he thought it could be a tumor.

My heart sank. See how life can be? So cruel. We were full of happiness and here was life punching us in the stomach taking it all back. Michael face went blank. Again the doctor repeated he didn't know for sure, but that's what he thought it was. So he told Michael I wont know until I physically go in and check. I cant tell you for sure that the reversal is going to happen, it might I just don't know until I go in. If I can reconnect you then believe me I will.

What if its a tumor I asked what then? But the PET scan showed all clear so what's going on? I had so many damn questions! Well the doctor said, if he does have a tumor, depending on how it looks I will either remove it or leave it alone. If I can remove it without risking his life then I will but if I cant I will leave it. If I leave it then a drain will go in his gallbladder to drain all acid in the sack that will prevent him from having the pain. As for the reversal he continued it depends on how the colon looks to be honest . I wasn't able to really see all of it.

He looked at Michael I'm sorry he said. I will do whatever I can do give you what you want. Do you have any questions?.. Michael was in shock he said no.