Staying Positive

   There we were left with those ominous possibilities. We looked at each other, I took a deep breath and said its ok, we don't know what that can be. Please lets not worry. He looked at me and his eyes said it all. He was disappointed , scared , a new worry. He smiled and said yea. He wanted to sleep he said he was tired. I let him be. I told him I would leave him for a few minutes and I would be back. I was so frustrated with life, with God, with everything. This cant happen I said, nope. He is fine, he beat this shit already. Why are you freaking out ? You don't even know what the test showed, hell the doctor doesn't even know what it is. I kept telling myself over and over that things would be good. I took a deep breathe and walked back in the room.

Before I walked in I looked through the window, Michael was crying, he wiped his tears from his face. My heart hurt for him, I needed to be strong I couldn't break in front of him he gathered his strength from be. I knocked and walked in. He smiled glad your back he said, I missed you. You did I responded I was only gone for a few minutes. I know but it felt like an eternity. This guy when he wanted lol he could be so damn sweet. He grabbed my hand and told me, im upset but I don't want to jump to conclusions, but I also want to be prepared for what happens. Ok said, lets be aware of the possibility, but I believe things will be fine. I have faith.

Michael was never religious. He was raised catholic but didn't really practice it. He was angry at God, things didn't make sense to him, this was before the cancer. I'm not one to judge other beliefs or lack there of. To each his own. But I  have my faith , I was raised in a very traditional Mexican family. Growing up and experiencing what I did, made me question my religion, but religion and my faith also got me through my issues. It kept me together and gave me the strength to get through this past year. I pray , I meditate , I seek guidance, I am spiritual being. Michael never judge me either, like I said we each respected each other belief's.

I prayed in the hospital at home, he respected but usually never joined in. He did start t change though his views , I don't know why he did but I'm glad he did it. He slowly asked me to help him pray, what do I say? he would ask. Talk with your heart I would tell him, he knows who you are.

This day we prayed, he grabbed my hand and asked me to pray I did, he added to the prayer. I need strength he told me, I'm here for you I replied. I know, he said you have been my rock I don't know where I would be if it wasn't for you.

His surgery was scheduled for the upcoming Monday. Through the weekend he was anxious, his pain was gone. I feel so good he told me , there is no way cancer is back. I remember the pain I felt when I had it, and I don't feel that anymore. I'm going to be fine he said. I think I learned my lesson. He laughed. I told him , you haven't let go I told him. He looked at me what do you mean? Michael I said you still have so much anger and resentment inside of you. You need to let go of it, no need carrying all this bad energy around. Why? the only one hurting from it is you. Let go, make peace with those you need to, forgive those that don't deserve it, apologize to those that you hurt.

Live your life without fear. He looked at me and smiled , this is why I love you. But I can't I'm angry. I know I said but look at what you have been through, does that really matter right now?.. Well no he said I matter more. Exactly I said. I believe our body responds to our thoughts if we are negative we attract negativity and etc.. My beliefs, agree or not this is me. He smiled maybe, he said. I tried all I could do.

Monday was here , I didn't sleep that night, I was anxious. I didn't know why but I just had this feeling. I brushed it off, got up Michael was awake. Today is the day he said. I will be back to normal in a few hours. He beamed . He was so anxious he kept asking the nurse when he would leave. Call down Michael you will get there. Finally the doctor came in, are you ready he asked. I have been waiting for this day since I had this other surgery. The doctor laughed. Ok I will see you in the operating room, and again I don't want to give you false hope, the test where unclear so I wont know until I get inside. Ok he said. The doctor left. He looked at me and said, I'm going to be fine, I know it.