Numb

Walking into the house was weird. It was no longer my home. I walked in and I saw him in everything. I sat there staring at the wall. Sami came to me, I could tell she was uneasy. She knew. I was numb. I wanted to crawl in a hole and disappear. So many people came, everyone kept hugging me and telling me " sorry about your loss".  That you think or they thought would comfort me. It didn't. I sat there, while the family gathered, they laughed at memories they shared stories. It was too much. I wanted to scream to cry, to run away. I always thought , wondered how would I deal when the time came and I lost someone? morbid? maybe but it was a thought. I never thought I would be strong enough to handle the loss. In my head I saw myself running away.

But here I was sitting in the middle of the living room surrounded by people. I just wanted to be alone. Finally everyone left, I walked into the room, his room , our room. "Our" didn't exist anymore. Walking in there was the hardest thing, I could feel him, his energy, I saw him in everything. I closed the door, I sat on his side of the bed. I looked at his hat sitting in the dresser, I smelled his cologne. I never thought I would be here, never. I thought things would get better. All I could hear was him telling me to be strong. It kept repeating in my head. His brother came in to the room are you ok? No , I thought but I nodded yea I'm fine. I mean how could I be? I was devastated, my heart was broken, my soul was hurting.

By far the longest day, it was ten already, I got a phone call. Can I speak with Miss Herrera, who the hell is calling me this late I thought. But I humored her, this is she, it was a lady calling regarding Michael. He had signed up to be a organ donor. I didn't know he had signed up, he never told me. She wanted to get my permission to use his cornea's. My head was spinning, he had only been gone for a few hours and already they wanted to take his corneas. I talked to his mom about the issue, whatever you decide she said. OK then I told the lady she had my permission. He had signed up for this, it was his choice. I wasn't going to take that away from him.

I tried to sleep, I automatically went to my side of the bed. Sami kept walking  , up and down the room. She would lay on his side of the bed look at me and cry. I know Sami I know. She got up and went under the bed , I could hear her meowing. I extended my arm to his side, and looked at the door. I was waiting for him to come in, I have to wake up from this damn nightmare. I have to. I moved to his side, laid on his side. I could smell his cologne on the pillow. I cried, I couldn't take the pain anymore, the sadness overpowered me. The energy was so heavy, I felt so overwhelmed. I was having an anxiety attack. I couldn't breathe, my hand where shaking, my heart was racing.  I was trying to calm down. Sami sensed my pain. She jumped up and came to me, she laid next to my head , she had never gotten close to me like that. She didn't leave my side all night. She knew I needed comfort. She kept looking up and following something, and meowing. She would extend her paws and try to touch whatever she saw. I know it was him she saw.

I didn't sleep, I could sense him. His spirit was with me, I knew it. I could feel his energy. I'm a firm believer in life after death, I wasn't scared it gave me peace. I talked to him. I was in conflict with myself, I was happy and at peace finally because I knew he was no longer in pain I knew that cancer wasn't invading his body. I knew that the gift he had received was finally reality. He was whole again. But I was angry, how dare you leave me!, you promised you wouldn't leave me, you promised you would be with me. You fucking promised. How the hell am I supposed to do this?! Who the hell is going to be strong for me?!  So many thoughts so many emotions. I know you are here I said, I know you are, you better be here. I miss you. Please give me strength to get through this. Please.

I was laying there it was morning. I wasn't tired. I knew I had to be strong, I couldn't let his mom see me break down. I had promised. First thing I got a call from my mom. I could never hide my feeling with her, she always has a way of seeing past the bullshit. I couldn't pretend, I heard her voice and I broke down. She cried with me. Mija you have to let it out she said, the more you cry for him the longer he will stay around. You have to let him rest. He is ok now, you know that right. I nodded my head, she knew somehow I answered. I managed to talk, mom but it hurts. She broke down with me, I wish you didn't have to go through this, I wish I could take the pain away from you. Nobody could. It was something that was deep in my heart, my soul. I had to hang up I had to compose myself.

I sat there not wanting to face anyone, god please give me strength .