Funeral home

His mom was so much stronger than me. She held her self up, at times she held me up. Here I thought I was going to have to be strong for both of us. But she was strong for us. I spent time my day in that room, crying. Family came in and out of the house, I just didn't want to deal, I didn't want to pretend I was ok, I wasn't. But I faced everyone, I smiled I sat there . My mind was else where, I was still talking to him. I was going through that day over and over again. Why didn't I listen to him? He knew this was coming, why didn't I see the other signs? I knew he had stopped fighting because of me. I told him he didn't have to fight anymore.

I felt so guilty. I was in so much conflict with myself. But I knew that I had to be selfish, I had him promise he would keep fighting because I was so scared of loosing him. But how dare I? He was suffering, he was in so much pain. How dare I ask him to keep that up. He wanted to make me happy, he didn't want to see me in pain. We were both trying to protect the other. I had to let him go, I had to let him find peace. He did, I was left behind broken. But he was restored now.

We had to plan the funeral, I didn't know how I was going to hold up. We all sat in the funeral home, I was surrounded by earns, and a casket. I could feel my tears building up. It was so surreal to me that I was here. We, me and his mom had decided to cremate him, he had told me that he wanted me and his mom to make all decisions. No pressure. I didn't feel right about that, who was I to decide? He had his family. I know not everyone agreed with cremation , we had talked about this before he got sick, we both wanted to be cremated and set free in the ocean. So I decided he was going to get cremated.

The funeral decisions where hard, everyone looked at me when something was asked. What kind of flowers? I looked at the lady and his mom, he wouldn't care I said, I don't care. You pick.. everyone looked surprised. But I knew him, flowers where not his thing, he care about them if he was giving them to me or his mom but for him? shit he wouldn't of cared. He probably enjoy it more if he had basketballs and footballs around his casket. This has to be about him, not about what we want. Yea they would look nice, but it didn't matter.

I picked his earn, it was a solid color a bronze and it looked nice not to fancy but good and solid, I saw it when I walked in that room I knew that's what he would like.  While we were siting down, everything began to overwhelm me . I wanted to leave, but I couldn't we weren't done yet. I lowered my head and prayed. I needed strength , god I needed it so bad. I was holding on to so much, I was getting anxious. Michael please I need you with me right now, don't leave me alone through this, please. He always gave me strength through everything I was strong because of him. I needed him now more than ever. Tears rolled down my cheek I couldn't help it, I couldn't hold it back. I looked at the ceiling be strong you have to be strong I thought. Then the lights started to flicker, I smiled . All the time we had been there and this started to happen. It was him. That gave me a sense of peace, I knew he was with me. I composed myself and continued, the poem. Why all of them where so sad.

But I got to one, that hit me to my core. I read it, and again the lights started flickering, everyone looked around did you see that, I had. The lady from the funeral home apologized I'm sorry she said I don't know why this is happening, it never has. I did. I continued with the poem that did it, I stopped reading it, I broke down. His mom gave me comfort. I was so mad, I promised him I was going to be strong, I promised. I'm sorry I said, I'm disappointing you.

Being in that house, was hard. I didn't know if I was going to be able to stay there for much longer. It was too hard, I felt like I was suffocating. I was still waiting for him to walk in. Stupid of me. I had just planned his funeral, and here I was sitting here waiting for him to walk in . I felt like an outcast without him, I felt like I didn't belong anymore. I felt judged. I was making all the decisions I felt like some family members where upset with me. Why did my decision matter and not there's? Nobody said anything, but some just didn't have to.

So many people in and out of the house, I wanted peace. But I needed distractions. I remember cleaning the room and this person looking at me, she walked in the room. Mija she said cry its ok. But its not I thought I have to be strong. She looked into my eyes, I see this overwhelming  sadness in your eyes, your heart is in pieces, cry let it  out don't let it consume you. She gave me a kiss on my cheek, and walked away.

It was consuming me. Slowly.