I was talking to a good friend, miss Tricia last night and I am just so grateful to have her friendship. I sat there and thought about where I was and who was around me. I know her, my soul knows her. Talking to her is oh so very easy. We automatically just clicked. She is a soul mate I know it. I look forward to the day I meet her. Unknowingly she has helped me see things in a new light, a different perspective that I never thought about. She makes me realize and see those aha moments that other wise I would have missed. She gets me, gets this journey gets my spirituality. Love her so much.
I sat in my bed thinking about all the new people that came into my life after his passing. I am in awe of them all. Each came in bringing something new to the table. Something that they didn't realize was lifting me up from this whole I was in. I never expected to be surrounded by love by unconditional uninterested , genuine love and support. I needed it. I didn't realize that I did. But I am glad that all those around me covered me with the blanket of love and support and understanding.
In my life, it has always just been me. Going through this journey with Michael I was alone. He was with me, yes he was going through it , yes. But I was alone. He needed me. I became his confidant, I carried all his worry, all his sorrow, I took it all in for him, I carried that weight on my shoulders. I didn't care, I was able to. I would do it again. I carried the weight of his families worry, the frustration, I listened to their fears, the sorrow. But at the end of the day, I was left alone. With my own thoughts, their thoughts. I felt the weight on me, my knees where buckling under me. But I stood up and continued. I had no one to confide in that would help me express all those emotions to. To let me vent , to let me cry. To ask questions to. What do I do? What if this happens? What does that mean?.... I carried it with me.
That experience was terrifying to me. I had no idea what was coming. Nobody told me listen this is going to happen, and you will probably face this.. but its going to be ok. I didn't get that. It was me and him , walking in the dark tunnel. Not knowing when the light would come in. I was so protective of him, I didn't want him to hurt anymore, I wanted , needed, to know what was coming. But I couldn't know. Cancer didn't care , what I wanted. It didn't care that we had plans. It fucked our life up.
Michael knew I was carrying on lot on my shoulders, he often apologized to me. I knew I could handle it. But as things got worse , I felt my knees getting weaker. Nobody understood what we were going through, what I was going through. What I was feeling, all the questions I had, all the anger I had. All the frustrations, all my sorrow, my heartbreak. Nobody knew , nobody understood. I had no one to talk to . Honestly I don't know how I managed so many things. Michael was there but I could only talk to him about so much, I didn't want him worrying about me. He already felt guilt for all of it. He didn't need any more . All I wanted was for him to have faith and concentrate on his health .
Then he left. I felt worse more alone that I ever felt before. But being the person that he was, he never left my side. He sent in the cavalry like miss T said. Oh and did he ever. So many people surrounded me. So much love. So much understanding. I'm so grateful for the group that Jamie created. Because there was only so much that I could tell my friends.Don't get me wrong I love them all and appreciate what they did for me, but they just didn't understand. But after a while I felt like I could no longer talk to them . I felt they didn't understand. I felt judged. Some even said still?.. That hurt. I was expected to just be ok and be bouncy at back to what they wanted to see. No it does not work like that!.. I didn't even know who I was anymore. I lost me. I lost him. It was huge loss for me. I could no longer talk to anyone. Again I held it all in. I felt judged . I felt like maybe there is something wrong with me. Then "The Deafening Silence " came to life. Things changed.
I was able, I was allowed to be sad, to be mad, to cry. What a breath of fresh air that was. People got me!. They understood the pain I carried with me. This doesn't just go away, pain changes us. Those that haven't experienced loss, just don't understand the impact. The life changes, the transformation that happens. I was uplifted with love, I didn't feel judged I felt accepted . They understood what it was like to be up all night crying, to know what it felt when someone said " move on , its been a while" they understood my frustration! They understood that yes, we learn to live with the loss, but there are moments where the pain just knocks the air out of us, out of nowhere. And again, we cry and release and that's OK!!! It's ok for me to cry and release whenever the hell I want and feel like it.
This isn't something that we shut off. Nope. I wouldn't want it to shut off, I embrace it. I was embraced, I met people that I wouldn't of . Those friends like Ashley like miss T they came to me with nothing but love to help me heal. Knowingly or not they showed me love without expecting anything, they listened to my worries to my frustrations they allowed me to vent. God it felt so good to let it out. Writing has helped me tremendously but nothing compares to having a shoulder to lean on. This group allowed me to grow spiritually , to embrace, to question my beliefs to see beyond what we "think" we know to be true.
So I thank you all. For being selfless, for allowing me to cry to vent. For being beautiful souls. For being opened for supporting one another. For embracing those that need it, for accepting without judgement. Because you understand the pain. None of us deserve it but here we are, we embraced it and we allowed it.
.. on butterfly wings }|{
No comments:
Post a Comment