Stepping Out..

So many things have been happening. So much information , so much growth. I LOVE IT!..

This weekend I did something that , honestly I haven't done in years. Go out on a date. Never thought I would need to again. But you know , life happens. Well let me just say that I am no longer that old Zaira. Back then the nervous, the self doubt the damn anxiety would of taken over. I would of been shitting bricks!!! So much self doubt .. those negative thought would have invaded me. Made me feel unworthy of any attention. Would of caused me to go into this dark whole of self hate. Would of caused me to think .. is this a joke? He is just playing a trick on me. I had NO self love. NONE.

Its amazing to me how I have changed in so little. His death pushed me into this self discovery journey. That honestly I wouldn't off gone through. That my friends his how life works. We learn the most from our darkest hours. We grow because we have no where else to go but up. We have to learn to stand up again from our heartbreak, because life has knocked us down. My ass was on the floor.. I was there looking up not knowing if I would have the strength to get up, shit some days I didn't want to get up.I was so tired of fighting so tired of crying, so tired of life. I was ready to go with him.  But some how someway by the grace of god I did. It was not easy by any means. Shit I would fall on my ass several times before I was able to stand back up.

For the longest time I felt guilt, and no to long ago someone made me feel so guilty for talking to anyone. For being friends with someone that is a good friend to me. I fell in that trap. Guilt got me, I cried. Because what if they where right? How dare I do this so soon? I cried my ass off. But then I realized something . This is MY life. Who the hell is anyone to tell me how to grieve his death, when its ok to focus on me? We all learn differently, we all go through grief in a different way. How dare anyone tell me, its not ok to continue my life? I let those tears flow, but that would be the last time I would allow anyone to make me feel like I had to hold on to him. Like I had to stop moving because THEY were experiencing grief in their own way. Trying to make me  stay in their same path. NO. Its ok for me to move forward , he would have wanted me to be happy. SO many times he asked me to find love again, not to let this experience hold me back. "You are stronger than you realize, he said. " You will find happiness again"...

I get that there will be people that look at me and shake their head. Because I don't "fit" the mold they think I should be in. Its ok, shake away. I am at peace with me, with him. Because I know he is with me, he shows me daily. I know that death is not the ending but just the beginning. So go ahead and frown go ahead and shame me. I love you anyways. One day you will see what I do.

ANYWAYS ,.. haha back to my date. I was nervous because well I haven't done this shit in years! I got butterflies . Then doubt and self-esteem issues creped in. "What if I'm not good enough? What if, what if!! ahhh.. NO I cut that shit off. I looked at myself and said why not me? Shit I am awesome, I have risen from the darkens to this! If he can't see who I am , then well his damn loss. Not going to worry about it. I am. I am source, I am soul, I am beautiful. Oh I felt awesome. Like never before. The butterfly had opened her wings and seen her beauty. It was ooooh so damn liberating. SO many years of self hate, of people telling me I wasn't good enough, it all faded. I am good enough, I am strong, I am a warrior. See me fly you doubter you hater! Yes I also had those thoughts of would he be mad? What would he say about this? Then I sat down and took a deep breath. Well bubba I said, I am living life like you asked me many times. This is part of my journey and I know you want nothing but happiness for me. I know you are next to me, so lets roll baby!.. haha

The nerves faded away, I was ready. I met him, never once doubted myself. The date was good, I enjoyed myself. I stayed in the moment. I laughed like a fool, didn't care. Because this is me,. Love me or not. It does not matter if this date turns into another. Because he helped me step out, and realize how much I have changed. How this butterfly has opened her wings. Even if he just came into my life to show me that. I am ok with that!

Oh this journey has been such an eye opener. SO many aha moments for me. I know for a fact I would not be where I am , if I hadn't met him, or gone through what we did.  Nothing in life is coincidence, nothing is an accident. Everything has a lesson for us. Thanks to him this caterpillar grew her wings.

... love you

on butterfly wings...