Dear Michael,

It had been a few days after you left , I sat in bed holding on to your ashes. Sitting there thinking this is reality now. How did we end up like this?.. Things were so good and just like that this tornado tore through our lifes.  I kept looking at the door waiting for you to walk in.. you never did. I needed to start packing I couldn't stay there anymore it was too much. I opened the door to the closet and this shoe box fell in my hands. I had never noticed it before. I sat on the edge of the bed and opened it. I looked through it and I couldn't help but laugh, smile and cry. I knew this wasn't coincidence.  I found movie stubs so many of them.  Some years old faded and ripped. Every single movie we went to you kept. You had saved momentos from vacations and from dates. I have no idea you had all those things. Every one of those held a memory , held happiness. It automatically took me back in time. You were such a closeted romantic.  Thank you for giving me those memories letting me know in that moment that I had the right to laugh and smile.

Two years today, I' m letting that sink in. .. Two years.. It baffles me. It feels like an illusion, like a cruel trick someone is playing on me. When will I wake up?.. sadly this is reality now. For so long I kept trying to hold on to time, grasp it in my arms not wanting to let it go. Trying to hold on to the memory of you smiling at me.. but time didn't want to wait on me, I felt every single minute coarse through me. So many days it felt like an eternity had passed me by. The memories seemed to fade. For so long I refused to acknowledge you where gone. We all heal in our own time. These past two  years I have healed, still am. Its a process. Some don't understand that, in order for us to heal we have to feel the pain, the sorrow, we have to process it and release it.

For a long time I was in denial but very much angry with you. You had promised me you would not leave me behind. Your death tore my heart apart, it shattered my faith. I was lost in a this brand new world without you. I didn't know how to be without you. I had to learn to love being alone, learn to sleep in the bed without you. It was so cold not having your warmth. I had to learn to find myself again. I had given so much of me to you, I had stopped living to take care of you. I will never regret that, for those months gave me more than you will ever realize.

But now it was my turn to live again. I was no longer in pause. I rejected that fact. I spent countless days in bed, crying myself to sleep, wishing that I would get just one more day with you, hoping and praying that I could wish you back to me. I kept hearing " don't cry " "are you ok?".. those words echoed in my head. Such lies I had to tell to console others . But little did they know the turmoil that I was going through. Then came the day, where I remembered what you said, you will get through this you said, you are stronger than you realize, I will always be by your side.

What an easy thing to say, I thought. But the more that echoed the more I realized I could do this. I needed to do this. You battled cancer and you fought so hard. That was the hardest thing you had to endure and you never gave up. Your loss thus far has been mine. Here I am Michael two years later. Some days are a blur, some days I still crawl in bed and cry, its part of the journey I am going through. I miss your smile on my sad days. I miss your stupid jokes , I miss the stories you told. I miss you holding my hand in the car, I miss running my fingers through your hair.. I miss the way you always held my hand while we slept. You never let me go.  The little things we all take for granted now are the ones that give me so much sorrow. I can still see you in those last moments as you held my hand , looking straight through me telling me you loved me letting me know that it was time for me to let go... Time froze I saw peace in your eyes I saw relief because you knew the time had come for you to be whole again.. Thank you for the countless laughs, the unconditional love. But most of all I am thankful for the lesson you thought me and the seeds you planted. I hope I have made you proud.

Alas my Miklo, my Bob the builder.., I may not always accept it but I acknowledge  the fact that you are no longer in this physical world . I get that sometimes our lives have to be completely shaken, changed in order  for us to grow and be in a place we're meant to be. I acknowledge that now you are this light in my path. You are full of energy and you make it known. Thank you for allowing me to grow, for coming into my life and loving me with all these flaws. For being the key for my change. I know now that your death in a way was my birth. I would of sacrificed that "birth" any day to still have you here. Things happen as they need to , to connect other things together. I see that, I get that. I have seen the connections, I have seen the seed you planted have now begun to blossom. You have awakened my connection to love , to the universe, to my true essence.

I miss you so, I love you so..

Thank you for the butterflies.