I will turn 28 in a week, I had thought we would celebrate that together.. but things change. Now I am unsure on how to feel about that. All I know is that you will be there, in a different form but very much present. (or else lol)
This past weekend I went to San Diego to celebrate him, and my ancestor in the Dia de los Muertos day. I went in not knowing how it would be , in regards to my emotions and all of that. I had been to old town before and it was fun and I laughed brought back so much happiness to me. I expected that again. I was nervous though being back, not sure why. I could feel some anxiety building up. I haven't felt that anxiety in a while, so it took me off guard. Throughout the drive I talked to him. Asked him to please be with me that night. Yes I said I know you are always with me , I get it but can you just please show me.. please.
Throughout the trip its like I knew what he was telling me and I always replied back. Usually with sarcasm. The day of the event I was anxious to be in the mist of the festivities. I painted my face, half skull half me. To me that's how it has been, me living this life but in a way still holding on to his , life and death together . Ying and the yang. I walked out of the hotel and walked those two blocks , people passed me by some with sadness in their eyes. I recognized that emotion, I know who you are I know who you serve I whispered. As I got closer I saw marigold flowers everywhere so beautiful adorning the altars for those that have moved on. It was so many mixed emotions. I was in awe of the beauty, of the gold pedals everywhere , of candles of those beautiful gifts left for them.
So much love goes into creating these altars, making sure the essence of that person is seen. The pictures of them laughing , hugging someone just full of life. I loved it. I was sad that I didn't give him that. I walked and passed so many people all honoring so many other, it was us a beautiful site. The more I walked the more alone I felt. The flashes of us walking into a store or sitting under this huge beautiful tree just flashed before me. My heart was aching.
I sat under a tree and just cried. I was trying not to. I could feel him telling me not to cry that he was fine and happy and that I knew this... I know I replied but dammit I need to cry, I know you are here I know you are happy and all that crap. But I miss you and I need to cry so I will. Maybe just maybe he did tell me those things or maybe it was just me. While I sat there my friend found me , we walked some more then I found the church. Oh this church. I walked in and sat down.
The lights where all off. The light that came through were candles in the church it was breath taking. I walked in and just sat down. My body tingled, Goosebumps invaded my body. Hi bubba I said. Instantly so many emotions I went with it. I let the tears flow, it was becoming so overwhelming. Last time we where there he was sick, I looked at the front of the church and I could see us sitting there. Just being , not talking not anything , just being. Praying and just breathing. I really thought you were going to beat it , I whispered I really did. I sat there and let my tears flow.
I walked out to the side door took a deep breathe and continued. I saw so many people like me. Knowing the sorrow I felt and the happiness. Some days conflicted by it all. See people don't always understand this sorrow. Daily life goes on , it has to. There are days when I just want to lay in bed and cry and say fuck it! Then I have days when I wake up with so much happiness and see the world with the eyes of source. This is life. Nothing is set in stone, nothing. I love you so. I honored the life you lived and the lessons we learned and the lesson you taught me.
Below are two picures of some of the altars I saw.. and me
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Zaira
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