Anxiety..

We are in the hospital our third morning in, I was so anxious to hear from the oncologist. He still hadn't came in to explain or tell us what our next step was. The only one we had seen was his surgeon Dr. Smith. I expected what he said. He basically told us , he had to deal with the gallbladder pain, it was way to dangerous to go in and try and remove the gallbladder. Dr Smith didn't think it needed to be removed, he was positive it was the effects of the chemotherapy that was causing the problem. He had an infection as well so that didn't help any. So he started him on antibiotics.  Now a days the gallbladder can be removed without having a major incision , but because everything that Michael had it wouldn't be possible. He would have to have major incision and that was not going to happen.

Michael was at this point so drugged up. He slept , I would talk to him but he wasn't listening, he was in his own world. I understood, he was trying to process everything, trying to be strong, trying to cope with the pain. But he was drifting to a bad place. He was loosing hope. I was going to be damned if he lost hope. Not under my watch, he needed to keep is hope, his faith. The doctors would come in and he was always sleeping, I would try and get him to walk, or just sit up and he didn't want to. I had to be his voice with the doctors. They started to ask me all the questions, what is bothering him? How long has he been sleeping? How is the colostomy working? I had to make decisions for him, they explained what they had to do , the test they needed to run, the medicine they needed to give him. It was so much, but I had become his voice.

My days in the hospital blended together , I never left. Looking through the window was my only connection to the outside. I would walk the halls, visit the chapel. At this point I had a bag ready for hospital stays with everything I would need. I showered there , got ready for work. Michael would only wake up when he needed more medicine. He would automatically look at me and ask, Is it time for me to take my next dose?... if I said yes he buzzed the nurse if I said no he would go back to sleep. I hated this! There was something off, I didn't like what I saw.

I finally had enough , I woke him up. He was mad, I didn't care. I just wanted to shake him, get it together! I told him, talk to me say something!.. I cant do this alone. He looked at me mad, wtf do you thing im doing he said not dealing with reality I told him. I went off, god forgive me but he needed to hear me. I told him, listen I know you! and you need to stop with this bullshit. His eyes got big he was pissed. I told I know you were in pain, but I know that its under control, and you need to stop over doing it with the meds already, all you do is sleep! I get it this is a lot to deal with but this fight isn't over and you thinking its going to fade away when you sleep? well that's a  damn lie. SO STOP IT.. talk to me , talk to your friends talk to someone!.. I was done.

Woah that was intense, I was waiting for his wrath, looking back I don't regret it, maybe I was  too blunt but we have always been honest with one another. I wasn't going to start lying now. He looked at me his expression changed. He said I know. I need to stop, I'm sorry .  He told him he didn't want to worry me, he didn't want to tell talk to me , I had enough stress with work and now with this situation. He was protecting me. Chingao I felt like shit. I told him , you need to talk about what you feel, I don't know . If you don't want to talk to me talk to someone. I don't want you to start building all this emotion and frustration. He agreed , he promised to talk to me , I didn't care about anything but him, work I could give a shit about . It was stressing me out, but I had that down, or so I thought.

While Michael was sleeping I saw his oncologist outside our room. I went and had a conversation with him. I told him that yes Michael was in pain, but that I didn't know to what extent. I told him I thought he was having bad anxiety, pain was being controlled yes, but he was so scared of getting that pain he took the medicine even if he didn't need it. I was worried. The doctor was worried, he was pushing the limit on the meds. To put it in perspective a "normal" person can only take 4 mlg of delaudin MAX, he was taking 4mlg every 4 hours plus a shot of delaudin if needed every two hours! And he still had 150mlg of medicine via the fentanyl patches. I mean this would of overdosed anyone else. He was pushing it.

The doctor finally came in. Dr. Zafar is by far one of the most honest and optimistic doctors I have met. He was meant to work with us. I trusted him and so did Michael. He sat down , and told Michael that "this was only a bump on the road, I don't want you to get discouraged because of this. Stuff like this happens, we deal with it and we move on." this is what a doctor should be, uplifting. Michaels whole expression changed , you are right he said. He needed to hear that.

Dr. Zafar said that he was going to continue on blood thinners for the next 30 days, and then he would get another scan, then they would go from there. He would be discharged the following day, he was to take a week off chemo and then start it back. Last thing we need is to stop chemotherapy and give cancer a chance. In regards to the gallbladder he needed to finish his antibiotics that were going to give him and then have a follow up. He would get a prescription of his pain medicine , both patches and pills. But the doctor told him clearly not to over do it. Only take them if needed. He looked at Michael and told him, what's going on? I know you don't need this much medicine, come on man you have this don't start depending on all these pills.

There was a silence, I looked at Michael he looked at the doctor. He said I've been having a lot of anxiety. The pain is gone, well not all gone but not as bad as It was. But I don't want to feel that much pain anymore, its too much. When my next dose's time starts coming up I start having a hard time, what if the pain comes back? I can't my heart starts racing. Tears ran down my face, I asked god in those moments to please let me have the pain, please let him rest. My heart broke. I couldn't imagine what he felt, I still cant. But I would give anything to take that pain away, anything. The doctor looked at him and said ok, I understand how painful this is can be but we can help you deal with this anxiety, it happens. Don't think you are alone, your not. You have her, as he looked at me. I see so many people and I deal with all sorts of cancer and the worst thing anyone can do is be alone or try and face this alone. Don't.

He was started on anxiety medicine. I saw a change immediately. He apologized to me, I apologized to him. He told me that I always knew when he needed me to be stubborn and not give up. He hated it though when I told him shit he didn't want to hear, oh I would annoy him lol. This was our struggle he tried to avoid things or pretend it didn't matter, I made sure he faced them . Ying to his yang. 

 He looked at me and said, this is just a bump on the road, we got this. He was back, thank goodness.