California..

As days went by Michael pain started to get better. He was taking so may pills I was loosing track. He didn't know when to take them, I was always the one giving them to him. I kept a notebook I wrote the times each pill had to be taken , I wrote down what could and couldn't be mixed. Work and life was taking a toll on me. I never told him. I didn't want him to have to worry about me I didn't matter he did. I was staring to get horrible migraines the stress was adding up. I didn't sleep, because of it, which in return gave me more to think about and more stress. It was a cycle, a bad one.

Here I was trying to hide it, he knew. He knew me. He started staying up with me, we talked, I got him hooked on Sons of Anarchy lol . It was those moment I miss, just being together talking .He was taking care of me, I didn't like it. But he didn't care, he did what he wanted . I often wonder how we manage to stay together , man we were both so damn stubborn we always clashed. So annoying, and those times that we went our separate ways, we always went back to each other. We had this pull on one another. We couldn't stay away, he often said we were meant to heal each other, to go through this together. He told me so many times he didn't  know where he would be without me, he said he would of stopped fighting. He hadn't stopped because he didn't want to see me cry or suffer he was fighting for me. Truth is, I needed him more. He was the one person that knew me, and understood me. He was my best friend, my partner in crime, my partner.

Weeks went by he was doing so good, i got home from work cooked dinner. I often ate alone. He was eating a lot of Jello and soups, or nothing. It depended on the day. But he would be excited, I would get home and he would tell me he was starting to lift weights, strengthening his legs, he was looking good. One of the side and more common side effects of chemo is the loss of hair.. He never cared if he lost it, it didn't matter to him, he had bigger fish to fry. But he never lost his care, he was growing more. It was crazy and it started to get thicker and red. He often joked about it, telling me he was going to turn into a red head. Things were back to some sort of normalcy , his days of chemotherapy he would sleep it took him a day to completely recover, that whole day he would sleep. By the next morning his body was recovered. Then he had a few days off he would get a break in between that helped him.

He still had stress though worried about work, about trying to help financially, he felt less than a man because he wasn't providing or helping with bills. We often argued because of it. What can you do I said , shit happens. I'm working I got this. Don't worry. He didn't like my answer he walked away always. He was having a break from chemotherapy my cousin lives in California, I told him lets go for a weekend just to relax and get away. He didn't approve but i'm very persuasive.

California was what he needed. Standing in front of the ocean made our problems seeing tiny, and we reenergized our souls, our mind . It was great. He let go for the first time in a looong time. It was nice to see him laugh, bullshit, enjoy life again. He wasn't always comfortable though , his colostomy bag held him back . He was always worried about it ripping or something going wrong. I told him listen who cares, enjoy yourself, if it rips then we fix it and keep going, no biggie.

We decided to go to universal studios, best decision ever. My cousins kids where with us three boys, he had a blast. I hadn't seen him laugh that much in a looong time. He got on every single ride, more than once. He forgot about his bag, about chemotherapy. He was enjoying life. I loved it, his bag did rip that day, because of one of the rides, I thought he was going to be upset, he laughed and said let me fix this so we can eat!!..Mission accomplished. We ate, did some more sight seeing, before we left he had to stop by in San Diego, that's our spot. We have been going to San Diego since 07' we loved it. Never got old. We stayed a night in San Diego, walked through Old town, went sight seeing. Ate at his favorite restaurant, he ate like I hadn't seen before lol. Things were great, we had the best time.

We both needed to let go , of things we had no control over. We learned to appreciate the things that mattered. We took control of our life.