Obstacles..

I know Michael asked me to write this but its getting so damn hard, he wanted to help someone else avoid what he was going through. Nobody really understood what it was like, he was hurt that we could truly understand his pain, his struggle. So many times he would get messages from friends wanting to hang out, he always said no. I would encourage him to go , have fun!.. I just wanted some kind of normal for him. He always said "they don't understand" , so tell them!!! I said. He never wanted to make anyone feel sorry for him, his pride was too big. He missed them. He missed basketball. He missed the bullshit they talked about. He needed his friends. But he put up a wall.

He was doing chemo, he was getting stronger, he was starting to do weights, his sense of humor was coming back. I was happy. HE was happy. He would bounce that damn basketball around the house, he wanted to get ready he said. I miss the game, I want to shoot some hoops.. but every time things seemed to be getting better, they always took a step back. Life is so cruel sometimes. He was happy and life kicked him back down. His pain was basically gone now he had stopped taking ALL pain meds, he was alert again. But then slowly he started getting a back pain, it started it off  like a inconvenient nuisance  and he and I both assumed it was a side effect of the chemo. His bones would hurt once in a while , we figured that's all it was. Our mistake , my mistake was assuming. So many things in hindsight I should of seen, maybe it would of made a difference?... that absolutely kills me. What if I had noticed ? would things be different now?!.. I hate this feeling. Hopelessness.

The back pain got worse. He couldn't even lay in bed anymore, he had to sit. When he sat for too long it bothered him. We still didn't think anything of it, I asked his nurses they all assumed it was the side affects. He would wake up in the middle of the night, and just sit on the bed, he would wake me up. Can you please massage my back , its too much I just want to sleep. He would lay on floor, bend over on the bed just to try and get some relief. My massages would ease it but never took it away. As the days progressed it got worse, his right side of his abdomen was hurting now too. God what now? I would pray like my life dependent on it, it did. Because of this new found pain, he was now unable to eat without throwing up, it was tender to the touch. I asked him how he felt, I told him I think its your gallbladder.

He wasn't able to walk anymore from the back pain, from his abdomen pain, he was crippled with pain. I took him to the ER. They ran so many test, one because of his condition. They needed to make sure everything was ok. He was mad that I had taken him to the ER. I didn't give a shit, he needed help. But always to damn stubborn to ask for it. One of our regular doctors came in, well Mr. Rangel I am sorry to hear about what you are going through but we have two things to discuss... My heart sank, we locked eyes. He grabbed my hand and we braced ourselves yet again.. What now!!!??

First of all , we have found the reason you have the back pain, and abdominal pain, its your gallbladder, its very inflamed it might be because of the chemotherapy . We didn't see many stones in there that would cause this pain. So Michael asked am I getting it removed?... No doctor replied under your conditions its to risky, you are under going treatment for cancer. So I have to deal with the pain?... I'm sorry the doctor said. FUCK. That's all I could think. He has to suffer through this bullshit too!.. The doctor went on, I'm glad you came in though, because he have found a massive blood clot in your leg.

I'm no damn doctor but I knew those damn blood clots are no joke. He went on to say that the blood clot was in his leg/thigh area, that artery went straight to the lungs and heart. If he hadn't gone in , I would of traveled up and killed him. My head was spinning, his mortality again tested. He was getting admitted to start him on blood thinners.  He was in shock, he asked me over and over to explain to him what the doctor had just told us. He said again, because of you Im at the hospital, you have saved my life again. I told him , this is why you need to stop being so damn stubborn. Another stay this time on the 3rd floor, in the oncology section of hospital.

Because of the clot, chemo came to a complete stop. The doctor had to figure out how to handle this new nightmare. Both actually the gallbladder and the blood clot. He was now taking soooo many pain meds to help his pain, morphine was doing absolutely nothing for him. He moved on to delaudin. The mother of all pain meds. So strong and it barely made a difference. So they ordered fentanyl patches. At this point this amount of pain medicine should of overdosed any person, according to our nurse. But for him it was barely making the pain manageable. He had two 50mlg patches on his stomach, to help with gallbladder .  But that wasn't enough to help him, he then was taking 2 daludin pain mills, 2mlg each. and every two hours he as allowed a shot of delaudin. I mean, wow. Having all that pumped in his system was crazy , he slept all day, it was scary to me. Plus he was on his blood thinners, and then some other crap I don't even remember names for.

I never left his side, I couldn't. To this day I have no idea how I stayed strong and didn't break down. I saw so many things in that floor, I learned so much. The nurses where so good to us, I asked so many questions I wanted to know everything,. They helped me, at one point I basically became his nurse, the only thing I didn't do was give him his medicine. As he slept his days away, I waited for the plan....

What did the doctors have in mind?

How were we going to tackle this new obstacle?

What could I do to help him ? So many questions, floating around in my head. I needed answers.