Infertility..

Getting back from California was a bummer, we had so much fun. He was able to remember what life was all about. Laughter, family, living in the moment. Coming home was coming back to reality, but he was ready. He had a new perspective on life, I loved it. As the days went on he was getting better and better.

His appetite was returning slowly but surely. He was craving food, he was maintaining his weight. Things were getting better. He hated all the pills he had to take, but I didn't care I gave them to him weather he wanted them or not. But he wasn't one to ever listen, to anyone. He only listened when I was mad, lol . Well to my surprise he had stopped taking his antibiotics for the gallbladder. I knew he had to had finished them but when I saw the bottle it was  half full, I asked him why would you stop taking these?...well I'm not in pain s infection must be gone.. yea because that was logical.. this guy. What would I do with him?

I told him that's great that the pain is gone and all but he needed to finish the pills, what if some infection was left you are going to let it get worse again because you don't want to take a pill?.. he looked at me and said yea.. I had no words I walked away. I dealt with that all the damn time. I was being cautious he just didn't want to deal with it. I was over arguing with him, I told him to do as he pleased. He knew I was upset , so he started taking the pills. I mean sometimes I had to be a total B with him. That's the only way he would listen. I didn't care, if it meant he would be taking care of himself then ok.

We had an appointment with doctor Zafar . He was going to get his blood checked make sure his levels where normal. The blood thinners he was taking started messing with his system. He started off with the injection, I learned to do it so I started giving it to him. It had to be given in the stomach, good times. He didn't like how I gave it to him, he said it was too painful. I mean how could I make it less painful , it was an injection? so I showed him how to do it, and he did it himself. Same pain. He just couldn't get mad at me anymore.. lol. The injection was too much for his stomach, he started bleeding from his colostomy, a lot. Like a third of the bag was blood, and his incision still hadn't healed. So it too was gushing out blood. It was a pain, constant blood , he had to change his bag at least every hour because it would leak through. I had to replace his dressing on wound three times a day .

When we  saw the doctor, he was told his levels where too high. They stopped the injection. They moved him to the pill form. That seemed to help, but he still was bleeding,. Not as much but blood was still there. Nothing we could do, he needed to take the blood thinners.

As days went by , I noticed Michael distancing himself from me. He wouldn't talk to me, I knew something was wrong. He was a talker, always had a story to tell me. Whether it was about his childhood, the stupid things him and his friends did , or stories from the gym there was ALWAYS a story.. I loved it, some I had heard so many times I knew them , but he enjoyed telling them so I always heard them again. I knew something was bothering him I asked, he sad he was fine just tired. I knew better but I didn't push it.

That night as we were getting ready for bed he looked at me with a sadness in his eyes. I asked again if he was ok, he said no I'm just tired. Ok I said, are you sure?.. Are you in pain? Tell me how to help you I asked. He looked at me and assured me he was in no pain. I got in bed and got my kindle , I usually read before bed. He finally sat up and said we need to talk... damn it I thought. I hate those words. I put my kindle down and said ok.

I looked at him, he kept looking away, he was scaring me. He looked down and said I had an appointment with the doctor the other day. I said you did? you didn't tell me, why? He told me he didn't want me to go, oh I said. I was hurt, not going to lie. He saw the disappointment and said it wasn't because I didn't want you there I just had to ask some questions , I didn't know how you would react. Goodness I though, I braced myself and finally told him ok well tell me what is going on because you are scaring me.

He still wasn't making eye contact. He said ok, well I don't want you to be disappointed I don't want to hurt you. You know that right?.. Yes I said, just tell me! He was getting emotional, he looked at me finally, and I could see pain, and tears building up. Ok I said , Michael what is going on !? He said well you know chemotherapy has side effects right?, yes I replied did you get a new one? He said no,.

Ok then , spill it already. I was so damn worried, and scared and so many thoughts were going through my head it was insane. He started talking and telling me that one of the side effects was him being left infertile. hmm I knew where he was going, damn it I started to get emotional. He looked at me and held my hands, listen I know how much you want to be a mom, and how much it means to you to have a family he said. OH crap, here come the water works I thought, breathe Z breathe..

Yes I told him, well I talked to a doctor and according to him, that wont happen. I know I told him, I knew what the side effects where.  He looked shocked, he said and you are still with me? I said of course the hell you think I'm going to leave you?.. he looked at me and nodded his head, that hurt me. How dare he think I would ever do that?! .. He saw the hurt, he immediately apologized , I'm sorry I don't deserve you, shut up I told him. I love you and that's what matters. If we cant have kids then fine, I knew the side effects. THIS is where I choose to be. So don't worry I told him. It hurts me that it wont happen, yes it does but you are more important right now. We hugged it out , he grabbed my hand and told me that he understood if this was a deal breaker and I wanted out. OHH this guy I thought isn't he listening to me?.. IM NOT LEAVING I told him. Deal with it. He laughed he said fine ugh. haha .

Little did he know, I knew about side effects as soon as he started chemo I did my research. When I saw that, my dreams went out the door. I was heartbroken, I would never have kids?.. That had never been a possibility in my book, but now it was there looking at me . What was I supposed to do?.. The day I found out I talked to God, I told him, I didn't ask, I said if he beats this, I wont ever ask to be a mother again, I promise, but just please help him heal. I mourned the loss of my motherhood that day, it was hard letting go but I did.

I never cried so much as I had these last few months. Michael was also showing more emotion than I had seen, the wall of protection he had build was gone. I was glad we had each other, despite everything that was being thrown at us , we managed to be strong together.