Bliss

Through everything we had gone, Michael hadn't learned to let go of what he couldn't control. The pain he felt, the treatments he went through, the emotional roller-coaster nothing seem to help him get the big picture. He was now cancer free. I mean what a blessing, he had been given a second chance. I was so grateful. He had this cockiness that I didn't like. I knew I was going to beat it he would tell me, don't get me wrong he did great but nothing it this journey humbled him. He still carried so much anger, resentment towards his family members , he could be a total jerk to people. I just hated how he could be.

I would tell him often listen, don't judge others you don't know what they are going through. He would look at me and tell well they need to stop acting stupid. I couldn't with him. How dare you I told him, you just felt what its like to be judged, and still you didn't learn? I was disappointed in him. He learned nothing. So many times I told him, be grateful for this, appreciate those around you, learn to let go ad forgive. Life is not meant to be lived like this, full of anger, judgmental. He didn't get it, he didn't appreciate me, I put my life on hold for him, he became my world. He wasn't grateful, he thought I should be by hi side, he thanked me yes in the moments he saw darkness, but now he acted as if nothing had happened. It was surprising to me. I prayed daily asked for his health and he got it, I was grateful I gave thanks. I often wonder if what came next was brought back to him, because his lesson wasn't learned.

After being told he was cancer free Michael was crazy happy, he should be he was CANCER FREE. it was bliss. He started making plans right away. I'm going to make an appointment with the surgeon, and I'm going to get this shit reversed, as he pointed to his colostomy. Ok I said. I'm so glad this is reversible I would hate it if it wasn't, I don't want to live my life with this, I would be disabled. fuck that he said. I looked at him and said disabled? how? you can still walk, work , live!.. I was so mad, listen I told him be grateful that you have a colostomy that CAN be reversed , others aren't as lucky as you, they have to live with this. And who  gives a shit if this isn't reversible, you would still have your health that's what matters, I don't care if you have that, your family doesn't care. You care why? because of the looks?! you don't want to be judged. Let go!

He didn't listen, as if I was talking to a wall. He looked at me ad said well I'm glad mine is. I had made plans to drive to Tucson, to visit the church that was up there. Saint Xavier, we had gone earlier in the year when he was first diagnosed, I had bought a candle to put in the Virgin Mary altar, to ask for his health. I wanted to return to thank her for listen to my prayers. We made a day of it the whole family went, I thanked Mary for the blessing we had, and thanked her for placing those doctors in our path they helped us so much. Michael gave thanks, he was never really religious but none the less . he gave thanks.

The land where the church is at over looks a hill on top of the hill sits a big cross looking over Tucson. He was determine to climb it. He did. He walked all the way to the top and climbed. Did you see that he said I just climbed to the top, it feels good to be able to walk without getting worn out. I was happy for him, slowly but surely he was getting back to normal.

Getting back to his normal life was great he was excited, he started lifting some weights he couldn't wait to go back to the gym and play basketball. He had scheduled the appointment with his surgeon, he was excited to get his surgery for the reversal, fix the fistula, and remove the gallbladder. The plans where set, he had goal to have his surgery by January. Nothing could slow him down.

I wanted to go up north , it was snowing, and I wanted to see and enjoy the weather, and maybe stop at the grand canyon. He said no. He wasn't one to travel anywhere, he hated that I asked. But I love to travel seeing nature, there is so much beauty that we have yet to see. I want to see it all. I asked him for a weekend, he hadn't seen the grand canyon, I told him you have to its one of those things you have to see, its going to be snowing, beautiful. He didn't care he said no.

I planned it anyways. Most of the trips we have gone on, he usually fought me on, no how I'm I going take time off from work, I cant. There are more important things in life then work I said. So I planned it booked a hotel, made the plans, and I told well ill see you when I get back because I'm going to enjoy my weekend take some pictures enjoy my life. He looked at me ad said your going? I told him yea. Without me? uh yea. He got mad. lol. I said well you don't want to go then stay, but why wouldn't you ill be your company all you need haha. He budget and we went.

It was absolutely breathtaking. It snowed while we were there, that is a sight to see, well for me anyway. He went into the Forrest looking at the trees and the snow al over was beautiful, we managed to get stuck in the snow, the car wouldn't budge. But we finally managed to find the road back. The grand canyon was just as magical. He was seeing it for the first time, he loved it. He was in awe of it, I think it brought life back into perspective for him. It was the last gateway we would have together. I'm glad I  forced him to go, I saw him laugh, enjoy himself for the last time, and those memories I will cherish.

He conquered the mountain.  

Grand Canyon