Chemotherapy..

Chemotherapy. What a complex word. I have heard of a lot of people saying the had receive chemotherapy and heard many different things regarding side effects. But hearing it and living it are ooh so different. We didn't know what to expect, only what the oncologist had told us. Nausea , loss of taste, loss of appetite, but each symptom depends on the individual we are all different.

Michael started chemotherapy on a Monday. I had to work, I prayed that he would have the strength to handle what was coming next. I didn't know what that would entail . We would be in constant communication via text message. I finally got home and I asked , I was so anxious to see how his body had reacted to it. What he experienced. I walk home and he was eating a burger.. lol . This guy, I looked at him like ooh ok you can eat?!.. He laughed and said yea, I feel so good, this is going to be easy. Hmm I thought, maybe he wont be affected like we had thought, maybe he is one of the lucky ones. Of course I we both were wrong, nothing in our journey was easy.

He went to tell me how they hooked him up to his port and he sat and slept through it all. I park , fill up and leave he said. Well that was easy I thought. I looked at him and told him just to brace himself just case, and to eat healthier and help his body fight! I had by then become a detective , researched on the foods to eat that would help his immune system, what to avoid. Oh man I was ready!. I told him I will start cooking healthy stuff more veggies, he looked at me with his "wtf" face haha. I looked at him with I'm going to win this fight face, and he smiled and said fine but don't expect me to eat that crap daily. He never ate vegetables, god forbid someone placed those green things on his plate. He was a meat eater a pizza and wings once a week kind of guy. So for him to stop and switch was a big change , I understood. So we compromised like we usually did. Once a week he would eat whatever he wanted. I think back and I feel bad for not letting him enjoy his foods, knowing what I know now.

Chemo wasn't easy, and he began to realize it as the sessions continued. He had chemotherapy twice a week, it took a toll on his body. He stopped drinking water, something that was hard on him. He would drink gallon of water daily. His taste buds didn't like it anymore. He hated the taste. I would cook his favorite dishes and they no longer had flavor. He stopped eating as much. I started buying him fruits , he loved fruit. It was the only thing he could eat. Nothing cold was tolerated anymore. He was a foodie, and that pleasure was taken away from him. He would get home exhausted , all he wanted was to sleep. So he did. He slept his days away, I would have to wake him up so he could eat something. He would only wake up from the pain, he would take his pain medications and again sleep. I hardly saw him, we barely talked. 

I believe till this day that , it was his way of not dealing with what was going on. Sleep. He was under all those damn chemicals, then he had to take his anti nausea pills, his pain medications, stool softener, it was too much. I would sit there and watch him, that's all I could do. It was me and him, but those weeks it was just me. I cried as I watched him sleep, I felt like he was drifting away from me from reality. I could see him just lay there , maybe I was being selfish. But I missed seeing him watching sports, laughing, telling me his stories of him and his friends at the gym. I missed him. He was there but he wasn't .

While he slept I cleaned his wounds , made sure they didn't look infected. Because of the chemotherapy his stool was loose and often his bags would leak. So I would reinforce the bags. Often times they would rip or leak through oh he would get so mad. Look at this shit, how am I supposed to be normal, its bullshit!.. I had nothing so say, but its ok let me fix it. He would take his aggravation , anger out on me. I learned to ignore it. I would get mad, not my fault but I can help you.  So much was placed on me so many responsibilities, it was all new to me too. But I had to be ahead of the game, I learned to know what he needed before he did.

As I did daily I checked his wounds, and I noticed that under his belly button part of his wound was hot, and very red. I poked at it, like anyone would do. Well that didn't go over well. That hurts he yelled. I'm sorry I told him but this isn't normal, how long as it been hurting? why didn't you tell me it was red?.. ugh I became a nurse. I told him it wasn't good and we needed to call the doctor, he ignored me as usual. I would tell him every damn day, call your surgeon have him look at it. Ok I will ill text you when I get appointment... yep . It never happened. Then one night wound started leaking out blood. I looked at him like are you kidding me right now?! We rushed to ER. Because of his condition he was seen immediately. One of the surgeons in his team , saw him evaluated him. Then she said I'm going to have to open up this incision. He looked at me , and said I'm sorry. I should of listened. What could I do? Scold him?.. why? damage was done, he felt stupid and he learned his lesson, so I thought.

By this time it was two in the morning, I had to be at work the next day, he was sleeping I was just sitting there waiting. Come next to me and sleep he said, I cant I would tell him I want to know what's wrong. The surgeon came in ready to cut him open. He had to take them pain, it was already leaking out what looked like blood, so now she had to make the whole bigger. It was one of the nastiest things I saw, nothing but puss came out. She said yep you have cyst under your incision. You will be admitted.

I looked at him. He said nothing. This would be our third stay at the hospital, the sixth floor. We knew the nurses , we are back I said. The next day his surgeon saw him and told him the wound would stay opened until the cyst healed, he would have a drain pump inserted to his wound to drain everything out. He would have to have it on until he stopped draining. He agreed. Had no choice. A nurse would be scheduled to do home visits to change the dressings every other day. We stayed in the hospital for 3 days. He left with another attachment. He was positive through it all, he would often tell me , if this is what needs to happen for me to get better then bring it on. Its not going to slow me down, this does not define me. I will define it.