Set backs.

Being in a hospital is draining, emotionaly physically . We had been in the hospital for almost two weeks. My back was aching from sleeping on that hard, couch/ bed I had. No sleep that was the norm, nurses coming in and out all night. Wake up at 5 am shower in that small cold hospital shower get ready and I headed to work. That had become my routine.  But who was I to complain?..

Michael was ready to go home, a day after surgery he started walking. He wanted his wounds to heal was anxious to start chemotherapy. The doctors and nurses were surprised at how determined he was. The surgeon came in to check his wounds and see how he was doing. He was happily surprised things were healing beautifully.

The doctors had also started him on soft foods, he was so excited he hadn't ate in forever! With food being tolarated and his colostomy working he was ready to go home. He was released and we went home. Chemotherapy was scheduled in the beginning of August, if the follow up with surgeon went well and he cleared him for it.

First days back, Michael wasnt able to sleep in the bed , he wasnt comfortable, he didnt trust his colostomy bag. So he slept on his recliner I slept on couch. Those days were hard, he was in pain , kept getting up because the bag either leaked or his back was hurting. I would often pull a chair next to his recliner and hold on to him, I got my kindle and read. I was so scared of loosing him I just sat there snd watched him. Make sure he was ok.

One of those sleepless nights I didnt see him in his recliner the light in the bathroom was on, I got up to make sure he was ok. I saw him looking at his reflection, he was just standing there looking. I didnt know what to say, he was looking at the change in him his acquired scars, his new accessories, accepting his reality. He saw me standing there and just smiled, "its only temporary". I said of course you got this.

I checked his stoma daily , doctors gave us a list of what "normal" looks like. It wasnt looking good, he started having a fever . He said he was fine not to worry. I worried. I called surgeon explained what I saw and that he was having a temperature. He told us to go in immediately. Michael wasnt happy with me . I didnt care , he needed help. Surgeon told him he had an infection, he was sent back to ER. He was supposed to start chemotherapy that week. The surgeon talked to the oncologist chemotherapy has been postponed. His expression changed . He was mad, scared. There was a possiblity that the cancer could spread if he delayed treatment.

How long will I be in the hospital?..
Can I start chemotherapy like this?
What if i delay chemo , how will that affect me?

So many questions, no good responses. His oncologist was direct , he told us it could spread, but nothing could be done while he had infection. Nothing. The impotence we both felt was horrible. I stayed positve and told him he would be fine, that it wouldn't spread. He was scheduled for a body scan to see ifbthe cancer had spread.

Every night I prayed. I didn't let him see me worry. I always stayed positive for him, if he doubted anything I reasured him. If I had doubts I brushed them off and prayed. If the chapel at the hospital could talk, it saw my breakdowns, it saw me pray, or it saw me sit there and breathe. It was my escape. I was so worried that the cancer would spread.

A week later he was told his test were back to normal , he could go home!! The same day we got the results from the scan.

I remember that day so clear, Michael amswered the phone his voice had that worried tone. I sat there praying , "please ,please don't let this be bad news, he needs a positive anything right now, oh god please".. my heart was racing my palms were sweating, I stopped breathing.

Michael asked so did it spread? I heard no , it didnt it still where we found it. Best thing we had heard in a while, thank god I said . The doctor then said he would start chemotherapy on Monday, I dont want to give it a chance to grow he said. We agreed Monday was the day he would start the fight.

He hung up the phone I grabbed his hand, and looked at him. We will give thanks I said, pray with me. He agreed. I was so scared I told him . He looked at me, tears rolling down his eyes, zaira he said I am.blessed.

He has cancer. He has set backs. But he acknowledged his blessings. The silver lining.