Colostomy..

My faith has always kept me going. I have always believed that what happens to us is for a reason unknown to us at those moments. When Michal was diagnosed I questioned my faith , my reasoning. But now I see that through the darkness if you will, Michael came out shinning. It was the hardest thing and the most draining experience I have gone through. I cant even imagine what HE felt. I just can't so many times I wished I knew so that I could help him, so many times I apologized to him because he was telling me how hard it was, I knew it was hard and painful. But so many times he would tell me "but you just don't know , you get it but you don't know."

Those words would always break my heart , I was always trying to protect him, to help him but I couldn't .

If you asked me dates of when things happen its a fog to me, two dates will forever be with me the date he was diagnosed and the day he left me. Everything else was a blur , it was so much going on in so little time. I remember how I felt through those moments, the sinking of my heart, the tears I shed, the prayers I said.

After the news of the cancer diagnosis, things began to sink with us. I heard and understood the news, but this "cancer" wasn't going to stop him, nope. Michael was scheduled into surgery that same week. It was hard for him to comprehend what change is body was going to go through with the colostomy, often times I became his voice. So many people walking into the room, with some new terms we didn't understand. The wound nurse came in to explain the procedure. "Sir you will be having a colostomy procedure done, this means that a stoma will be formed by drawing the healthy part of your colon through an incision in your stomach". Michael reaction was priceless his humor never stopped " so you are telling me my ass is going to be in my stomach?".. the nurse looked at him with a bewildered face, I started laughing and he did too. This was his way of not taking thing so serious his way of copping. .. The nurse laughed and said well if you want to put it that way then ok!...

The  next day he was scheduled for surgery, I had been sleeping in the couch in his room, I was there all day. I didn't want to miss a doctor coming in. In most cases I was the one asking questions, I would explain things to him after doctors left, he was hearing them but he wasn't listening. We prayed before surgery, and then he was off . When he woke up from anesthesia I looked at him and asked if he needed anything, he said no. Later that day his surgeon came in Dr. Smith, I trusted this man with everything, I knew he was meant to be with us through this. He told us that things came out good as he planned, he had to cut a good portion of his colon because it was so damaged. But that he trusted that his colon would heal nicely and that he had enough left to reverse the procedure when he got rid of the cancer. Always so positive.

He went to take the dressings off, he wanted his stoma to breathe and he wanted Michael to see and learn how to take care of it. Michael had been on a liquid diet, this was his first time on it but it wasn't going to be his last. The doctors where able to expose the stoma because of this. Let me tell you, when I saw it I was in awe of it, I was so curious. I put on gloves and got next to the doctor!

I looked at Michael and he smiled at me, he said you are too weird, lol. But I told him, "hey this is what you will have for the next few months and I will be the one more likely to have to learn to take care of it so I am learning!".. His stoma was o his left lower abdomen, he wasn't able to sit up and really see it , all he had was a mirror, the nurse went on to introduce us to his new colostomy bags.

The nurse was with us for an hour just showing us how to place the bag, how to drain it, what to use to clean it. So much information!. After the long day we sat and talked. He asked me how I was doing . How was I? .. I hadn't had time to think about me, I wasn't the priority he was. I looked at him at said I am good. Its a lot to take in but I got this I said. He asked me to come next to his bed side, tears starting to build, and he told me. This is going to be hard, this is going to change me, us, if this is too much you can leave. I will understand.

"I looked at him, and said are you kidding right now? Don't tell me what to do!.. I choose to be here, we are in this together I'm not going to leave you, and tough shit if you don't want me here. "
He looked back at me and laughed and said " you are so dam stubborn! I can't tell you nothing!"

Our circumstances had changed , but we hadn't. I'm not saying I'm  perfect or that he was, but we had each other.