Darkness

Finally home, what a relief. At times being at the hospital gave me security, I knew he would be ok regardless. Being at home there was only so much I could do. His anxiety while at the hospital was high, he was having more frequent attacks. He didn't like being at the hospital and with everything attached to his body he had lost control. His pain had also increased we had an appointment to see a pain specialist. What his oncologist had prescribed was no longer strong enough.

He was more at ease at home, still fought with him about him taking all his medication. The chemo was making his hands lose the pigmentation they were becoming lighter. His feet would swell up a bit, he would itch a lot a side effect. He used a special lotion . I would massage his legs to help easy some of the pain. When I did, I noticed how thin he was, the muscle in his legs where gone, they didn't look defined as before. I don't know if I just didn't want to see it, or if I was so caught up on everything else to notice. But in those moments I saw it, cancer was in him, his body had changed. It clicked, yes his body had gone through changes and I saw so many " attachments" but I guess I never wanted to admit that his body was deteriorating. If that makes sense?.. its s hard to express how I felt and what I saw.

His nightmares were constant, he didn't want to talk to me about them. It was my fault I refused to listen to him before. I would have to wake him up, he was talking and moving around so much. I would tell him it was ok, he was ok. No he would tell me I'm not.  It was just a dream, but it was much more than that, I think its going to happen. What's the dream? I asked. He shook his head I don't want to talk about it. Well we are both up, so might as well talk I told him. Well I keep seeing this dark shadow chase me, he gets a hold of me but I keep running, I can see it taking over my body. I'm so scared of it, all I see is darkness, then I'm standing at the funeral, I'm standing next to you. You are crying, I cant stand to see you like that. I see my body in the casket. I over you trying to tell you I'm ok, but you don't listen. Then I wake up..

The darkness is cancer he says, its taking over. I'm running from it, but its getting me. He through all this didn't look at me, I was listening trying not to cry. He was describing my greatest fear. He finally looked up, I looked away. I didn't want to hear what he had to say, I knew what he was going to tell me. Listen he said, he grabbed my hand and with the other he gently lifted my head up we made eye contact. I need you to be strong if anything happens. I need you to be strong for my mom. Strong for what I said you are going to be fine.

He looked at me in a way that he never had before, I knew instantly what it meant. He knew he wasn't going to be ok. That look made my heart sink. No I said, don't. You will be fine, you will keep fighting. I will he said, I won't ever stop fighting, but I need you to be strong. I am I told him I will be your rock. That's not what he meant, but that all I had to say.

The following day we met with the pain specialist. He was so weak, he was having a hard time breathing, any walking got to him. He sat down at the office trying to catch his breath, the nurse had to give him oxygen, she let us into a room right away so he could rest. Looking back now, that was a sign I missed. It kills me to know that I didn't see it then. The doctor came in and asked him the usual questions, then he asked him where his pain level was. Now he said its a ten. The doctor went down the list of medicines he had available at home. Delaudin 6mg, fentanyl patches 150mlg total, vicodin, Percocet is that correct? yes Michael replied. What do you take now and how often, well I answered he is on the patches now, I changes those on the third day, he takes the delaudin every 4 hours. It controls it for a bit, but sometimes none at all. That's very powerful medicine he told him.

Yes , I know but I'm still in pain. I'm ok after the pill kicks in but after two hours it fades away and I have to be in this horrible pain until I'm able to take the medicine again. I can't take that pain anymore.  The doctor gave them an option of having this pain pump surgically placed in his back, the medication would go straight to the nervous system and that would stop the pain in its tracks. It was something for him to consider. He gave him a prescription for a fentanyl spray. It would go under the tong for those in-between times he needed relief. It was another very high dosage medicine. The insurance would have to approve it. It was also ridiculous expensive.

I went to the pharmacy, well several nobody had it in stock. Because nobody ever had that prescription. I had to leave it, so that the pharmacist could place an order for it. At this point that pharmacist knew who I was. He asked do you know how much this cost? no I said. Well its not cheap we have to send the insurance a request for approval before I can order it. If they deny it are you going to be able to pay for it? umm well how much is it? its $1,500  he said. ... wow I had no words. What the hell I thought, I hope and pray the insurance covers this. The pharmacist told me it was rare for them to order this medication, in fact I was the first one to bring him that prescription all year.

We definitely could not afford that if the insurance didn't cover it. No way. But he needed it. Again we were stuck between a rock and a hard place. The pharmacist told me to call the insurance when I got home, and see if it would get approved. This was something I didn't tell Michael, he didn't need this stress.