Swollen Kidney

Michael and I were not perfect by any means. But we always knew when something was bothering the other. We had a friendship before anything else that set the foundation for us. We fought but we learned to talk it out, and we knew how each other got when something was wrong. After that fight we learned to be more patient with each other more now because of everything. He was more opened to my suggestions. I had plenty. I read so much I always asked him to try something to maybe potentially help him. He would usually tell me no, how the hell is that going to help me. But now he would tell me ok, ill give it a try it might help.

One of those suggestion was meditation. I asked him to mediate when his pain was high maybe I said it will help you.  He looked at me, I knew he didn't want to. I told him its worth a try? and I smiled. Ok I will try it. One of the times his pain was bad, he told me I'm going to give this meditation thing a try. He left and wen to the room, he was in there alone for a good two hours. I went in to check on him, he looked so mellowed out, I grabbed his hand and asked if he was ok , if he needed anything. I startled him, I've only been here a bit he said, no i told him you have been in here for a while. He looked puzzled , you where right he said. It works. Duh i told him, I'm usually right . LOL he laughed my mind was at ease and I felt my body relax, and the pain faded away. GO figure. Yes I told him this is awesome!

He had learned to meditate , it didn't expect progress that fast but somehow he went to a place of peace. I was damn happy. Even though he had discovered mediation he began to have severe back pain. I couldn't explain it, the surgeon couldn't either. In his colostomy bag he found a few stones, tiny. Oh I said maybe you are passing the gallbladder stones? I called the surgeon , he didn't think it would happen but he had no other explanation for what was going on. The pain came and went, it wasn't something steady. But when it hit him, it was horrible. The only relief was him laying on his stomach and he couldn't because of the colostomy bag and the drain from his gallbladder. I would massage his back and try to relieve some of the pain. It usually helped. But the pain was increasing.

I told him lets go to the ER, no he quickly responded. Michael lets not push things to the limit, let go. Why must you be so damn stubborn I told him. You need medical attention. What if we stay at the hospital, then we will stay at the hospital!. Fine he said. Off we went. He was seen immediately ,he was wearing his chemo pump, he was high risk. They took off his pump right away, started him on fluids, gave him pain medication and began running all the test. I had the routine down, it never got easy. It was always scary and nerve racking. I never knew what news we were going to get.

He had a temperature, which with chemotherapy is dangerous. His defenses are low, and if he has an infection he is high risk. Of course he would have an infection, it wasn't bad but the infection was present. You will be admitted the doctor told him. We looked at each other, ok he said what floor will we be in this time?..  Sixth floor oncology area. OH we had yet to be there he said. Well the doctor laughed, because you still have chemo in your system you will be under observation. Then the doctor told us that his kidney looked abnormal.

Chingao I thought, my heart sank my stomach turned. I looked at him, held his hand. We can never come to the hospital and not be given some worse news. I mean give him a damn break I thought!  The doctor wanted us to talk to the specialist to get more information. We were left alone, it was late maybe one in the morning, I couldn't sleep. He was had fallen asleep, I sat next to him and held him close. I prayed, please please don't leave us alone I thought.

The next morning, he was started on a new anti biotic, he was given lots of fluids. Finally the kidney specialist came in. Mr. Rangel I saw your chart and wow, you have been through a roller-coaster. Indeed he had. Well lets talk about your kidney, its a bit swollen , the right side is where you are having pain, and that were we see the issue.  Because of the chemo therapy and all the different medications you are on, its giving your kidney a run for its money. Its doing double work, The drain that we have coming from the right kidney to filter all those chemicals its very swollen.

Its harder for your kidneys to keep up now. So what does that mean I said. Well the doctor said, we have to help his body. How? well he said, we have to place a drain in it, to help the kidney and let it rest. Fuck I  thought not another damn drain. I didn't know how he was going to take this news, I looked at him his eyes focused on the doctor. Is there another way Michael asked? No the doctor said, you are still under going chemotherapy and that's the biggest stress on your kidneys right now. It needs a break, I  need a break too Michael said. I already have a drain on my gallbladder. The doctor looked at the gallbladder drain, we need to replace it ,  doesn't look so good. The procedure will be 15 minutes for both. I guess I don't have much of a choice? You do the doctor said, but the pain wont subside it will get worse, and if we don't help your kidneys they can shut down. We don't want that. Do it I  said. We have come to far for this to slow you down.

Well yea , he said I'm going to do it. But damn I have no control of my own body anymore, or what happens to it. The doctor left, me and him alone. Its going to help you I said, yea I know he said. But damn, now I have two drains I have to carry around. I feel so worthless. This will be the last time i said that you say that. You are not worthless. You are the most, amazing, caring strongest person ever. So no you are not worthless. What now he said? Well we keep going.

The drain was placed that same afternoon, he was in pain and uncomfortable from the incision. He wasn't able to lay on his back without having pain. He looked at me, well I  can lay on my back or my stomach, how am I  supposed to relax? I had no answers. Once it heals I said, you will. Well great he said. I'm sorry.  This is what we have been dealt he said, this is it. He looked at his body, it was broken, but it was going to heal.

He was having nightmares every night. He never wanted to tell me what it was. But they affected him, I caught him one night after he woke up, he was crying. You are telling me about these damn nightmares I said, if you talk about it they will go away. No he said, Michael tell me. No secrets I said. Fine. I'm dreaming that you and my moms, are at my funeral. You are sitting there crying, and I'm trying to tell you not to cry that I'm ok, but you cant hear me. All my friends are there surrounding me, but I'm ok, I'm not in pain anymore. I'm happy but I see you cry, and my mom I don't want you to hurt. I know being here you will. Nothing is going to happen to you, don't you ever tell me that. You will be fine, you are going to beat this. But what if I don't? Just the thought, brought me to tear, don't you ever tell me that again.

I couldn't bear the thought. He was going to be fine damn it. I never let those thoughts invade me, they were pushed out of my head immediately. Nope. He will be fine, I thought. I refused to listen, I got up and walked away. I couldn't do it. That's were I drew the line. He let it go, he knew I had shut down. He didn't push it.