Devastated

Michael was taken to pre-op , I walked to the second floor waited in the waiting room. I would be able to see him before they took him in. It was me his mom and his aunt. I walked in, saw him he was ready. He was nervous, this surgery he said will define my life . Why I said? Well what if I don't get my reversal? So I said, I don't care you will still be ok, life goes on. But that's not what I want, I know I said but we often get what he don't want. Just stay positive don't be negative. What if I have a tumor? Then we will fight.  You always have an answer don't you, no I said but I have faith in you. We will get through whatever. I know he replied I know I'm going to be fine, I just know it.

We hugged I prayed, he joined in. I watched them take him to the OR. The nurse told us it would be about four hours. Ok I said, I will be waiting. It was just the  three of us sitting there in the back section of the waiting area. It was cold, I could hear the televisions each one on a different channel. Slowly more people filled the room. I meditated , I tuned everyone out and just went to a peaceful place. The voice of a nurse brought me back,  " The family of Michael Rangel?" she said, I stood up. Yes?.. It was only two hours I thought. I walked up to the window the doctor would like to speak to you and the family she said. Umm ok I thought, is he coming out? No she said you can wait in the conference room. My heart sank at that moment, my hands began to get sweaty, lord give me strength I said. Ok I told the nurse is everything ok? Ma'am im not sure I was just asked to gather you all.

Me his mom and aunt walked in to this tiny white room. There was a table in the middle and five chairs, the door slammed right behind us. There was another door, for the doctors and nurses. My heart was racing, I was shacking. This is what movies show, right before the character gets the bad news. I'm shacking now just thinking about it all the emotions are rushing back.

Dr. Smith walked in with his resident, he didn't make eye contact, first thing I noticed. The resident did, her eyes where sad, she looked away. I took a deep breath , I was trying so hard to stay calm. The doctor looked at me and said surgery is over, I looked at him like what?.. He said im sorry to have to tell you this, those words I thought the worst god please let him be alive and ok. The doctor looked straight at me, his cancer is back, it has spread, I wasn't able to do anything to him. My face im sure was without expression. I didn't know how to react what to say, I was in utter shock.

He continued, his gallbladder is surrounded by a tumor, I wasn't able to remove it ,if I tried he wouldn't of made it. His colon has several tumors, he has a tumor in his lower stomach, its all over he said. The resident shed tears, his mom broke down, she was devastated. He continued , in my expert advice I think you as a family need to decide what the next step is. What do you mean I said? Well based on what I saw, he should be in a hospice. Tears rolled down my eyes.

This wasn't happening, I kept looking at the door I just wanted to run out of there. I didn't realize how bad it was until he said hospice. The doctor looked at me and said I'm so sorry Zaira, I told Michael what I told you , but I don't think he will remember the conversation. I will be back later today and tell him or tomorrow morning. I just sat there, my heart was in pieces, I wiped my face, and shook my head. I saw everything and heard everything but I was just sitting there. They walked out and left us there. His mom was crying so hard, I didn't want to break I couldn't she grabbed me and cried, I needed to be strong. She asked me to explain what the doctor said, I did. She didn't get the severity of the situation she didn't understand why the doctor said hospice.

Honest to God I don't know how I kept it together in those moments. I kept looking at the door,  I felt sick to my stomach, I wanted to scream, I wanted to cry , I was mad, I was hurt, I was broken. He  can't be dying he cant , I thought he cant leave me. Another nurse walked in and told us that he was being moved to his room. Ok we said , we walked out of the room, I looked at those in the waiting area smiling and laughing. I was mad how dare they laugh?! I saw the world so different so dark. I told his mom I would meet them at the room  I needed to use bathroom.

I walked in to the bathroom, and my legs gave out, I fell to my knees, I cried so hard . Why is this happening ? WHY? I was shaking . I was devastated, what am I going to tell him? HOW am I going to tell him this? This would break him. God give me strength I didn't know how I was going to tell him this. I was physically sick to my stomach. I stopped crying cleaned up and decided to be strong , he needed me more than ever I thought. How is he supposed to get through this if he sees me scared. Hell the doctors can say what they want, he is not giving up. I am NOT giving up on him. He has the last say.

I walked out of the bathroom and got into the elevator. Tears rolling down my face, I couldn't  stop them, my heartache was overwhelming. I stopped at the chapel, I got on my knees and prayed. I broke down again. I don't know why this is happening, I said but please give him strength to get trough what is coming, because I know its not going to be easy, I know he is going to want to give up, don't let him. Give me strength and his family I said, our journey isn't over. I cleaned my tears away and got up.

I walked into the room, his mom was there and his aunt waiting. They still hadn't brought him up. She told me to be strong for him, I know I said. But once he seems my face he is going to know. Just smile she replied, he will know I said. I was going to end up telling him, I was sure the doctor wasn't going to come back today. I was going to break his heart. I didn't want to tell him, but I knew I was the one that had to.

They brought him in, he was still sleeping. He woke up from the pain, and they gave him some medicines and he dozed back to sleep. His brothers had arrived , other family members as well. We sat there waiting for him to wake up. I didn't want no one there when I told him, I knew how he was going to take it, he needed to feel comfortable crying , hell screaming. Everyone left to the waiting area. He was finally up, he looked at me, I smiled. He stretched his hand out, I held his hand, so how do I look he said? I'm back to normal huh?. He smiled, my heart sank. I smiled and told him to sleep and rest.

He looked at me, I looked away. Look at me he said, I turned why where you crying? Well because I said I cant cry? Zaira what's wrong? Nothing I said. Tell me anything what happened ? I know there is something wrong I can see it in your eyes. I looked at him, he looked back at me with fear, when just a few seconds before there was nothing but hope..