Lessons.

Finally we had received the TPN and the nurse was scheduled to come that day. He wasn't  worried about it, something to add to his collection of accessories. I was kind of nervous I had to learn how to hook him up and everything that came with it. Let me learn this correctly  I thought and let me do it right. We got so many supplies. I had no more room for supplies. As it was we were cramped, I had bought a four drawer organizer for just his colostomy supplies. We received bags of saline syringes, bags of blood thinner syringes, alcohol wipes, batteries for the machine, needles, I mean so much stuff . I didn't realize it was going to be that much plus a weeks worth of TPN bags.

The nurse came in , she asked who would be the one to learn about TPN and how to properly connect him. Michael pointed at me , I am I said. Ok she said put on gloves and I will walk you through the process. Ok I said, I did as she instructed, I had to get the bag out and inject into it his vitamins, shake the bag, place it through the machine that would pump it into him. I cleaned his port area, she inserted the needle into the port, even if I could I don't think I would of been able to. Once she did that I was the one that connected the port to the TPN. I learned to set the timer on the machine.

It would run 24 hours straight he had to learn to sleep with that contraption. It was easy but I was nervous, I didn't want to hurt him. I watched as the nurse did it the first time, she would be back the following day and I would do it alone. The nurse turned it on and watched Michael to make sure he didn't have an allergic reaction. He didn't. She took his vitals his blood pressure was a bit high, she made sure he took his medication.

Like that it was done. She left and it was up to us now. It was weird seeing him with the bag next to him. It felt like we were in the hospital. The sacredness of home was gone. This hospital feel had taken over. I sat and watched him, how crazy life can be I thought. Who would of thought in a course of a few months we would be here. I know I never saw this coming. Things can change in a second. Oh well I thought this is what we have been dealt. Why sit and pout? We have to continue this journey and succeed . I brushed of the negativity.

I sat next to him and played with his hair. He loved when I did that it usually relaxed him and he dozed off. I wouldn't change anything, we were together, it wasn't easy by any means but we had each other. As I was playing with his hair he asked me, is it getting thinner?
 No I said, but I see some new hair color, I see some reds in here. He laughed oh I'm going to be a ginger! OH I said, how cool is that!? he laughed . My hair might fall off he said, its ok I said I have plenty lol. If it starts to I'm going to just shave it off. Ok, I said. Will you look at me differently? he asked.. well ill notice your big head more, I said but its alright it just hair. My big head?! lies you tell he replied. We laughed, I held his hand , I didn't want to let go, I love you I said, I am so proud of you. I know this isn't easy and I know you are in pain most of the time, I know you try and hide it from me, but don't we are in this together.

I just don't like to see you cry he replied. I know you hate seeing me in pain, and I know you cry at night, I'm sorry . Don't ever be sorry I told him, I cry because I feel helpless and I wish I could take the pain away from you but I cant. But don't stop talking to me because of that, we need to stay strong through this.

We had family to lean on and some friends. But nobody really understood what our daily life was like. What he felt, what I felt. What we saw, our fears, our hopes. You hear about it but unless you are experiencing this world, you could never really comprehend the struggle. I know I didn't, when I heard people went through this my heart went out to them but I could never imagine what it was like until now. Now I get it.