Round Two

Michael was ready for chemo, he expected the same as before. The doctor told him it was going to be stronger, he had it more often now. He was optimistic, I will be fine he said, I don't think its going to be as bad as they say. I went through this once I can do it again. Yea I told him but this treatment is only given to those that qualify , its going to be stronger. Ill be fine he said.

By this time I had stopped working. The stress from work, and life had finally caught up to me. I couldn't be at work without thinking about how he was. He was more important to me than work. Yes, we were struggling financially and maybe I shouldn't of quit, but I don't regret it one bit. I would do it again. I am grateful to have spent those months with him, he needed me. I needed him.

I would take him to chemo, I would usually drop him off. He didn't like when I stayed with him. He slept through treatment. But I stayed, the nurses would come around ask him if he wanted a pillow a blanket. He always did, they took off his TPN and hooked him up. The first day he received the same medicine he originally had gotten. He got Benadryl incase he had a reaction to medicine, anti nausea medicine. A cocktail.

He held my hand through treatment, don't leave me alone he would say. Never I told him. He slept I read. There where about 15 chairs in this small room, all filled with people from all walks of life getting treatment. I was in awe of them, I saw women my age sitting there getting treatment it was so real. So sad, that all these people where going through the same thing we were. Why do they have to suffer? I thought. Nobody deserves this. Bodies ravaged by cancer.  I just didn't get it. I looked at Michael as he got treatment, I could imagine what his body was facing, the internal battle that was happening. Cancer killing is organs, and here was another chemical trying to defend it , but yet hurting him too. So many side effects from chemotherapy. Yes it helps kill cancer, but it also damages other organs in the body, you get healthy but then sick from something else. Its ridiculous.

We have come along way with medicine, but there is still so much that has to happen. So much research to be done. Its a never ending battle. His sessions usually took about two hours, I woke him up. You are all done, are you ready to go home? Yea he replied, I just want to sleep. Ok I told him , lets get home. He was so weak, I helped him up he was dizzy, nauseous , his body was exhausted.  As soon as we walked inside the house he went straight to bed. I made sure that his incisions where ok, nothing leaking. I changed them if need be. I had to make sure all his pills that he needed to take , he took. Then I let him rest.

I would lay next to him, hold his hand. I was so scared , I didn't know what was going to happen. I had so much faith in him. I knew it wasn't going to be easy, but I knew he was going to be ok. I just prayed that he had the strength to deal with everything. I would place my head on his chest and hear his heart beat. Those moments are so precious to me, they will forever be with me. He slept most of the day, I would help him get up and use bathroom, he was so weak.

He was sent home with a pump , the stronger chemo medicine, he looked at me and told me this is harder, I feel the chemicals through my body. My body is fighting, I feel it. It so much stronger than I thought. I felt hopeless, I couldn't help him. He wasn't on TPN so he wasn't getting any nutrients, I tried to get him to eat, he couldn't. Although he had the anti nausea pills, they did nothing for him. He couldn't even drink water. He was to have this pump for two days then return to oncologist office, to remove it. So for two days he wouldn't eat. I bought him fruit, the juices they gave him at the hospital, soup. If he ate maybe half of a banana. He had no appetite, it was a horrible cycle. Chemo drained him of everything, but it also didn't allow him to eat. So he got weaker. I hated it.