Let go

Seeing Michael like he was now, was hard. I never thought any less of him because of everything, I admired him. I respected him, but knew he was going through so much. I wanted to help but I didn't know how. His weight fluctuated, when he was on chemo he lost weight when he was off he gained weight. That's the cycle we were used to. His sugar levels where constantly being checked he was doing good in that aspect. His pain had increased. He was using fentanyl patches, he was given deluding he was now up to 6 milligrams of it , that was so insane to me. And yet it was barely making a dent , he was still in so much pain.

I had called his oncologist I told him he needed something else, this wasn't ok. He was constantly in pain. At one of his sessions for chemo he began to have so much pain, right before we were to go home, the nurses kept him at office and they gave him a injection of morphine. As if they had given him water. He was still in agony. One of the doctors in the office told him it was the chemo moving through him attacking the cancer cells, that's why he felt it more than normal. He can't do this , if he is going to constantly be in this much pain, he needs rest I said. He needs his body to rest, he needs to relax and be ok .

We went home, he went straight to bed. He wasn't able to do anything, if he laid down the pain was overwhelming, if he sat down the same thing. I gave him his pain medication, it helped for maybe two hours it brought the pain to a level to which he could tolerate but it was still there. I told him lets go to the emergency room, don't let it get worse. He didn't want to . That night was hard, he pushed me away, didn't want me to help him. I couldn't even if I tried. He got out of bed , and got on his knees and rested his body on the bed, trying to relieve some of the pain. I felt so hopeless. I just watched him, twist and I saw the agony in his eyes.

He looked up at me with tears in his eyes, why? he asked me. Why me? He broke down  he collapsed to the floor, I cant do this. I cant deal with this pain, its so unbearable . What did I do to deserve this? Why am I being punished? he looked towards the celling asking all those questions. I just want this to be over. I went towards him and tried to lift him up, I couldn't. I cried with him, I don't know why I told him. But this isn't punishment. Please I told him, get up I am with you. You don't get this pain im feeling, I feel like I'm being torn apart from the inside out. He looked at me the pain in his eyes was overwhelming. God please just take me already he said, I don't want to feel this anymore, I don't want to be a burden for anyone.

I was trying so hard not to cry, I was trying to be strong for him. But hearing say he was a burden to us , I couldn't deal with that. You are not a burden I said, we all love you. This isn't a chore for me, I will be with you through everything, we will be ok. YOU will be ok.  I held him, he cried. What if I'm  not ok? You will be, I said. You will be. I didn't want to hear him say, or think otherwise, I refused to hear it. I always brushed it off. He was going to be fine and that was that.

We were both on the floor, crying. I wiped my tears and said, you have got to let go. You cannot control this, you cannot hold on to any anger . Let go. You have to let all this anger you carry inside of you , forgive those that hurt you, apologize to those you hurt, let go. Pray, meditate, be at peace. I am a believer of prayer, I believe that our body reacts to our thoughts, to our energy. He was holding on to so much anger and resentment. He needed to be at peace with himself and those around him,  so he could finally focus on him.

He looked at me. Let go? yes I said. But I wont have control. Michael but we don't now, I told him. You have to have faith , I do. I have faith in you, I have faith in God. I let go. I cant control what's going to happen, I can't control anything in this damn situation, I can control how I react to it, and how we deal with it. That's all we can do. He looked baffled, you let go? yes  I said. But I don't know if I can. Well its up to you I told him. But when you do , you will have peace Michael , you need to be able to not think of all that negativity you carry I need you to focus on you. I need you to stop worrying about anyone else but you. Everything works out, look at us. So many problems and somehow someway they all have worked out.

I held his hand, I hugged him, I told him again  let go.