TPN

Its been a few days since my last post. Its hard to be so vulnerable. I don't know who is reading this, I have no control over it. Yes it is helping me heal.. I have no choice but do deal with all the emotions that comes with this. Some days are easy other days I feel like I can't breathe. Yesterday marked his six month anniversary to freedom. Free from pain. It was hard , today has been hard. I miss him so much. But he asked me to do this, and I won't let him down. I will write.

We had been in the hospital going on almost a week. He had his drain in gallbladder he wasn't happy but it was giving him the relief he needed. He hadn't ate either. I was worried he needed some nutrients. But his body was so used to not eating , he wasn't even hungry anymore. I asked the nurse all she would tell me he was to remain on clear fluids until the doctor changed it.

His oncologist came in to check up on him and as if he had read my mind he answered my question. Michael I don't feel comfortable letting you eat, your colon needs rest and it isn't absorbing nutrients like it should, I will like to start you on Total Parental Nutrition. What is that? Michael replied. Well its nutrients everything your body needs to function is in the bag, it gets hooked on to your port and basically feeds you. It will include sugar, carbs, proteins, electrolytes. This way I know you are getting what your body needs without risking or compromising your colon. You do have a tumor that is partially blocking your colon. This would avoid you getting blocked or backed up.. Yes you can eat if you are craving something but it has to be soft foods. But once you start the infusion you wont be hungry. I will have the nurses start you today and you will continue at home. Because this infusion is giving you sugars you will have to come into the my office and get your sugar levels checked make sure you are not to high or low.

Michael looked at me , I couldn't read his reaction. The doctor walked out. I looked at Michael . So tell me what going through your mind? So many things are being taken from me he replied. Now I cant eat either. This body is not good anymore. He took me by surprise I didn't know what to say. Well that's good I said this way you are getting all your nutrients and you wont get sick, and you can let your colon rest. Once you start treatment and they see the tumor shrinking then they will switch you over. Yea, we will see he replied.

That same night the nurse came in the changed his port , cleaned the area and started the infusion. It was a pretty big bag, I was surprised it was his daily dose of food basically. The nurse showed me how to infuse it, well I was being nosey more like it. It would run 24 hours straight and then he would start a new bag, no breaks in between. How do you feel ? I asked I feel fine nothing weird or unusual. How is this going to work when we get home he asked the nurse. Well a nurse will come to the house and teach either you or someone else how to infuse it. When to start it when to change it, what to do if the machine beeps, how to clean the port and make sure all stays clean so you don't get an infection. You will have a bag back where the TPN can be placed in so if you need to go anywhere it wont be in the way.

Wait ? So I have to carry this everywhere I can't pause it then restart it? I looked at him, like no its continuous, the nurse said yea you have to let the infusion finish. The only exception is chemotherapy the nurses at the doctors office will pause it for chemo and restart it once the treatment is complete.  The nurse walked away. I looked at him, I know what he was thinking. He looked at me what? he said. Its only temporary I told him, yes you have another thing that will be attached to you, but its ok this too is part of the plan that's going to help you. He took a deep breath as if he had been defeated. I guess he said, he reached for my hand. I won't give up ok? I know you wont I said, we got this. I need you to help me he told me. With what I asked well learn to do the TPN infusion , oh yea I paid attention so don't worry I will take care of that. Ok he said, we also need to figure out what we are going to do with money. We don't have any, how am I going to be able to pay for everything? My leave of absence is about to run out, I don't know if I can get an extension.

What if the insurance gets taken away?! I will probably not get chemotherapy or the medicines I need or this bag of food. He was so worried, nothing I said would take that worry away. He was right how are we going to make it through this?