A gift.

His hair was thinning. I used to run my fingers through his thick black hair, now it was like running my fingers through feathers. So thin, he was loosing it. He was getting white patches on his skin, discolor oration. He had lost more weight, he looked so thin, so fragile. I noticed but I didn't want to see it. I was always very hopeful my faith was strong. His faith was stronger than ever before. He saw the changes , he didn't like what he saw in the mirror. He didn't recognize this guy looking back at him. He would stand in the mirror, and just stare at his person. Look how much I have changed, he would look at his body, I ran my fingers through his scars. Every scar is a battle won I told him. These scars don't define you, these scars changed you , yes, but for the better. You appreciate life so much more.

The pain was getting so bad, he spent his days in the room, we both did. He slept most of the time, the medication was so strong but it just barely made an impact. He was pushing me away , getting more distant as the days went by. His nightmares kept coming, it shut him down. I wasn't ready to hear what he thought, I couldn't hear it. One of those night , it was me and him and Netflix. He turned and looked at me and held my hand. Why don't you look at me anymore? What do you mean I asked? well you don't look at me, you avoid making eye contact with me. I don't like it. I know that you deserve better than what I am , what I can offer. I'm sorry things are not better, you can leave I will understand. I wouldn't have expected anyone to be with me .

Michael , I'm sorry I didn't realize I was doing that, every time I look at you I feel hopeless, I can't help you. I don't know how t help you. It hurts me to see you like that. I'm not leaving, no one can make me leave, I know you are having those dreams, I cant hear them I refuse to. But he said, I need you to be strong ok?... I need you to be strong I know you will be good after a while, you are stronger than you realize.

I hated when he talked like that, stop please I told him. You will be fine. I am strong because of you. I don't want to loose you, I don't want you to leave me. Damn it , I was crying. See I told him, I cant even think about it. You will be fine, you won't give up, you promised. I did he said. Thorough our conversation he was in so much pain, he asked me to help with up . I went to the side of him and extended my arms, he was so weak, I had to lift him up. I asked him to sit on the bed so he wouldn't get light headed. I was waiting for him to be ready to walk when all of the sudden, he extended his whole body as if taking a deep and long breath. I saw a look in his face of contentment, of peace and then he started crying. 

What's wrong?! I asked, what hurts, tell me how to help you. I was so scared, my heart was racing. He was crying so hard, he held my hand for support, I thought he was going to collapse. Michael please talk to me, please! He finally calmed down, a bit. Lets go to the hospital I said, I was holding on to him for dear life, come on let me help you up. No , he said, I'm not pain. I  was confused, what is it then?

Zaira , I think I felt God. What do you mean I asked. Well I was sitting here and all of a sudden I felt this warm sensation take over me, I felt it get hot as if it was going through me, like I was being embraced, it was the most beautiful thing I have ever experienced. For those seconds all pain was gone, ALL of it. I felt normal again, I felt whole again. He shed tears as he told me, I was me again. I felt this sense of peace, I felt so much love. He was trying to explain to me what he felt, and he kept coming up short. I just don't know what words to use, it's nothing I can really explain he said. He looked at me, Zaira, he is listening to my prayers, he just showed me he is with me. How dare I think he isn't?

I have just received a gift. He showed me that I can be whole again. I was in absolute awe. I had no words, I saw how he reacted to this feeling, I saw his expressions. I saw the big smile on his face, a smile that hasn't been present in months. It was so beautiful. He needed this. Of course he is listening I said, you need to not doubt what he has planned. I don't anymore , I don't . Whatever he decides for me, I am ok. I was scared before, I'm not anymore. What I felt I will never forget, I don't know how to explain it. But I will feel that again. This is out of my control, I let it go. He has control and I'm ok with it. Whatever happens I am ok with.

The change in him was instant, he honest to God, was at ease. He wasn't scared of the dreams anymore. I saw what happened, he told me what happened but I don't know what he felt. But that feeling changed him. He gave up all control, he would do whatever he could but he knew it wasn't in control. I was happy that he experienced this, but it scared me. I was being selfish he was doing what he could but now he was ok with leaving me. I was scared, I didn't know what that sign meant. I was hopeful that it meant things where going to get better. But now I know that it was a gift for him. Showing him what was coming, the gift of peace, the gift of love, the gift of health.