Clogged.

Things seemed to get worse, Michael pain wasn't getting any better. Everyday was a struggle. He hardly left the room, if he did he would sleep in the couch. I felt so helpless. Sleep was a blessing when we got any , we shifted nightly from the couch to the bed, trying to find a comfortable place for him. He was meditating daily and reading the bible. I never thought I would see the day. But here we was reading it. We would listen to Joel Osteen every night before bed, and every morning before we started our day.

It was the thing we needed, it kept us both sane. We saw the blessing we had amongst all the darkens we saw what we had. We were grateful. He told me that reading the bible gave him a peace that he never had before. Reading calmed him down, mediation eased the pain, his mind was taking over the psychical pain. I was so proud and happy for him. He was able to take his mind to a new place away from all the pain, and the problems. He had good days , but he also had bad days. The pain would get so intense it would over power him.

His TPN continued, another day of chemo I had everything ready to connect him back to his "food". I hooked him back up as usual but this time there was a problem. The machine kept beeping I fixed it, there was air in the tubing. Michael was in so much pain his anxiety was kicking in, I had to relax him. Then all of the sudden his TPN started coming out of his port, it wasn't going in it was coming back out. I disconnected him and flushed the port with saline hoping to clear the line. I hooked him back up after few minutes it happened again. Michael was aggravated, I was so damn annoyed with this machine why the hell was it not working!!.

Michael was laying in bed , I could see he was having some hard time breathing, are you ok? I asked. Yea I'm fine he said. Is it your anxiety? I think so, I'm just in so much pain, I'm tired I want to sleep. The TPN isn't working, I'm so weak. I know, I called the nurse I told her what was going on, she said his port might be clogged up. She would send someone out but it would be late. Ok I told her, I need him to be ok he is weak and needs TPN. I asked Michael to go to the hospital, no he said. But Michael if your port is clogged and the nurse cant fix it you will have to go to ER. No he said. I walked out, why must he be so stubborn!.

The nurse came finally it was almost ten. I'm sorry about making you come so late I told her, but I don't know how to fix it. Its ok she replied, let me try. She attempted to fix the clog and was unsuccessful . You can go to the ER she said, I cant fix this. Or you can wait until Monday and go to your oncologist. Crap I thought he's going to wait, she shouldn't of said that. He replied I will wait. I rolled my eyes, well what can I do so he feels better he needs something. She told me to buy him Gatorades. The weekend sucked, he was barely able to walk. I gave him Gatorade , bought him fruits. He wasn't able to keep anything down. He kept telling him to go to the ER, no he would tell me. Finally Monday came and I took him to his oncologist, the nurses saw how fragile he looked. They worked on the port, replaced it and unclogged it. I had brought his TPN they hooked him up. He stayed there for an hour so he could get nutrients in him. He looked at me, we locked eyes he was looking into my soul. I'm so tired. I know I told him don't worry we will be home and you can rest. He looked at me, no I'm tired , my body is tired. My spirit is weak. Please don't I said, you will beat this, you will beat this. Cancer will not take over, you will take charge. How selfish of me. He was exhausted , worn out and all I cared  about was me not losing him.

I remember that day so clearly. It wasn't his anxiety that was giving him shortness of breath. I see that now, so many things that I now look back and I want to shoot myself for not paying attention. Why didn't I notice? That was also the day Talia Joy was sick, she had been in bed for a few days. Her family was asking everyone to send her some prayers. I remember reading that and reading about her story. She dealt with cancer for years. Here I was looking at this tiny little girl, with so much spirit and full of life. I showed Michael we watched her YouTube videos. How can this happen I said. Look at her, she is so positive and brave. I don't get why this happens. I was praying for her, I was crying because I knew what the family was going through. I knew what the family felt, it hit home. She dealt with it for six years. Six years. I was in awe. Here we were it was only months and I felt like I was falling apart. Here she was so young and with the biggest smile on her face, she knew she had so many obstacles but it didn't matter she was always so full of life.

I looked at Michael and told him look at this little girl so brave. He smiled I know, he cried. I wish she could be cancer free, I would take on more if it meant she would be fine. She gave us a new perspective. We followed her story through every thing, we kept her in our prayers. I wished and prayed that she would be cancer free, she had her whole life ahead of her, she was going to change the world. She did, with her positivity. She passed away two days after Michael.