Final moments

We were moved back to the sixth floor, I felt so safe there. He had nurses that had been with us since the begging. What a blessing they were to us. I felt so comfortable with them, they talked to me and understood us. He  wasn't  just another patient. His oncologist came in , he heard what happened and was baffled, he was going out of town. Michael I want you to leave this hospital! You will have the PET scan next week on Monday, I am sure you have improved I feel it!. God I loved that doctor, he was so positive, and uplifting.

Back in our old stomping grounds, he was more at ease in that floor. Again he sat me down, you will be strong ok? I just looked at him I will I already told you. I will be strong for your mom, I know. Ok then lets move on . No he said, I want to talk to you. Just don't make me cry, he laughed I'm serious I told him. You are too damn stubborn he said, yes you tell me that daily I said. He laughed, I just want to thank you. No need I do this because I want duh.. I got up to leave no sit . Michael I don't want to hear about nothing negative, I cant you will be fine. You will keep fighting, you promised. Its not that he said listen goodness. Fine. I rolled my eyes, he laughed ugh I can't tell you nothing! Listen I'm sorry for not realizing how much you meant to me sooner. I did take you for granted, I'm sorry you are more to me that you will ever know. Thank you for being a pain in my ass, because of you I left my comfort zone, because of you pushing and being a pain I came to the doctor. I traveled I lived life. I know you will be blessed one day, you deserve more than what I have given you. Now I know that you are my soul mate. All this coming from the guy that refused to talk about feelings. He was emotionally closed off I was shocked. lol I just needed you to know this, im sorry I didn't tell you sooner. I love you .

I we talked for hours, we told each other everything. He was so opened, he had always been closed off scared of being to attached to anyone. I never liked it, but I couldn't change him. This was him. But now he felt the need to tell me everything he held back. Why are you telling me this? You don't want t hear it he said, I did all the time  but why now? He looked away, just in case something happens I needed you to know. This guy, nothing will happen!

He was going to get released that next day, or so we thought.. That same night again another episode of the previous night, again an echogram was done. Again we were shuffled back to the second floor. I didn't know what was going on, I was damn scared. The next day the doctor ordered a scan on his lungs. The doctor came back and asked us what our plan was? excuse me I thought, well Mr. Rangel are you planning on transferring to a hospice? WTF I thought, who the hell is this damn doctor. Why would you say that I asked, shit got real I gave him attitude. Well he has blood clots in his lung that's why he is having trouble breathing and why his heart rate is elevated. Ok I thought so treat it. Well I recommend he be transferred to a hospice, I was done talking to that doctor. Michael knew, he told the doctor no, and that he wanted to speak to his oncologist. I was pissed. Who the hell does this doctor think he is, he will not tell you how to live your life. Michaels oncologist was not in town, his partner came in, I told him what the doctor said, and I told him I was pissed. He said he understood and he would check the results. First of all that doctor never explained to us the severity of the issue. Michael had clots before I never thought much of it. I wish he would of told us. I'm still mad at him. Michaels heart rate was still elevated his blood pressure was dropping as well. His oxygen had increased. The doctor had started him on blood thinners. Through out the day he was on oxygen, before he was off of it for a few hours not today. His heart rate stayed high.

We went to bed, I never slept though the night. But that night I did. I woke up to the nurse talking to Michael, she looked nervous. Michael was laying flat on the bed. Now I had four nurses in the room, they kept talking foreign language, all the medical terminology I hadn't heard before. What is going on ? Michael looked at me, he held my hand, he could barely talk , the oxygen mask was on him. I could see his heart rate it was so high. I looked at him, he told me I love you, then he said if anything happens to me you and mom make all the decisions. Those words cut me deep. Nope I said, I let go of his hand he saw the affect it had on me, he was calm. I ran out, I called his mom. You need to get to the hospital I said , is everything ok she asked. I broke down I hadn't cried in front of her before. He said If anything happens that me and you would make all choices. She calmed me down, he is fine mija don't worry ill be right there. When I walked in there were five nurses going in and out of the room. We are trying to increase his blood pressure, but we are struggling, his heart rate is too high. Ok what does that mean? it means we need to increase his blood pressure or it wont be good we are transferring him to ICU. My head was spinning, the ICU nurse came in and started unplugging all the machines, we need to move him now. Michael I am going to give you a medicine that will help increase your blood pressure. He nodded. I didn't understand why he was so calm. He was just looking at me, he knew what was coming, I saw it in his eyes. He held my hand, Be strong ok? Please don't I told him. Please I cant do this. He smiled and he was pushed out of the room.

The medicine was working his blood pressure had increased. He was a bit more calm but he was still breathing hard, as if he couldn't catch his breath. It wasn't ideal where he was but it was some what normal. I didn't want to get close to him, I couldn't . His family came, his mom and brothers were there. He asked to speak to each one. He talked to his younger brother first, then his older brother and mom. Those will remain private but he told them all what he had been telling me all week. You need to be strong. Things seem to get normal, his family left and I remained. I sat in the corner quiet, I was so emotional all I wanted was to cry, I couldn't I needed to be strong. All I could hear were his words echoing in my head. The doctor in the unit came in and saw Michael , how are you doing? I'm ok he said. He looked at Michael you know you have a blood clot correct? Yes he nodded, well its a bad one. It is? I said. Yes, it big and it both lungs. This was all news for me. Well I didn't know that I said.

I still didn't comprehend how bad it was, despite everything I didn't want to see it. Then the doctor told me it was referred to as the widow maker. My legs started to shake, I sat down Michael just looked at me. He didn't even react, he was so damn calm. The doctor came over to me, are you ok? All I could do was shake my head, yes. I was siting next to a computer , the doctor came over and said let me show you what I'm taking about so you can understand. I need both of you to be informed. Ok I said, lord when I saw, I knew. He pulled up the picture his lungs where black, minus two tiny white lines going through each lung. A line in the sand. You see those tiny white lines, yes I said that's the only oxygen he is getting. All of the black is blot clot. I turned and I looked at Michael, I didn't understand why he was still alive. I cried the doctor held me up. I shook my head, no, no no. The doctor looked at Michael, your body is trying to keep up with your heart. But its struggling. The best way I can explain it is this, imagine you just ran a marathon and you stop and rest and you feel your heart beating so fast like its going to jump out of your chest, you are trying to catch your breath. He looked at me, that's what his body is doing, he is constantly trying to catch up. This is placing a lot of strain on his heart and body. Michael in order for blood clot medicine to work, you would have to stay in this current state for at least a week. I cant be giving you more medicine to increase the blood pressure. This is also high risk for your heart, it is a lot of strain for it.

Michael stomach had started hurting the night before, I told the doctor. Did it just start he asked, yes. The doctor looked down. No more bad news I thought. Michael , this is a dangerous state I need to know if anything happens if you want to be resuscitated , brought back. I looked at Michael I nodded , he said no. I cried, the doctor asked ok so no? No he said, if anything happens let me go. He looked at me the whole time. I walked over to him, Michael looked at the doctor, I'm tired he said, my body is so tired. I know the doctor said. I asked why is he having pain in his stomach? The doctor said if its what I suspect its not good. I believe the blood clots are in his colon, they are cutting circulation, if that the case we wont be able to do anything for him. At the moment Michael asked for pain medicine please I cant take the pain he said please give me something for the pain. The doctor asked the nurse to give him a shot of morphine. It didn't even do anything he was screaming in pain. I went over to him, I was trying to calm him down. Michael breathe please, stay calm I don't want you to get worse.

He looked at me, I'm tired I don't know if I can keep this up, I know I told him. You don't have to anymore. He looked at me and told me he loved me. I turned to look at the doctor, in those seconds he went into a severe breathing attack. His was screaming for pain medicine, he looked at me he was in agony in so much pain. He pleaded for something to help him. I was trying to calm him down , please please I said stay with me calm down. His heart rate had increased , he was struggling to breathe, they had increased his oxygen levels. His blood pressure was dropping , getting lower fast. The doctor stepped in, I need you to call his family he will not make it out of this.

What? no he had to I said, he grabbed me he said please call his family. I walked out of the room I was standing in the hallway, I could hear him screaming , nobody was answering. I kept calling and calling it seemed eternal. I finally got a hold of his mom. I need you to get here as soon as possible. Please hurry. I hung up and went back inside. I was watching him slip away, I went next to him. please I need something for the pain , I looked at the doctor, I can but if I give him anything else he will slip away. Wtf was happening, this cant be real. It just cant. I couldn't see him like this, he was suffering, he was leaving me. He looked at me I'm dying he said, I'm dying. No I just couldn't bare it.

I walked out, stood in the hallway. I leaned on the wall for support my legs where shaking. I swear I thought I was going to die with him. My heart my heart was breaking. My knees gave out. I fell to the floor. The doctor came out, are you ok? No, I cant do this I cant. He helped me up, and brought me to a chair. Sit I need you to breathe. He left to attend to Michael I walked back to the wall, I watched him, I started calling my mom, I  needed her. His mom and brothers finally arrived she saw me and she knew, she ran in there they all surrounded him. I sat down, in the chair I was numb. I just sat there, it was like the butterfly effect everything around me was moving so fast, I didn't hear anything anymore. His brother came to me, they gave him medicine he is relaxed, I could say anything. Come with us he said. No I cant I said, I don't want that to be my last memory of him. I can't. Tears rolled out of my eyes, I never felt so alone as I did then. I don't know how but I knew when he left, I just knew. He passed away. He was gone I knew he was before they told me. I just knew it. I felt this peace surround me, I felt like I could breathe again. I was happy that he was finally pain free, but my soul hurt.

I sat there and then my mom stood over me. God I held on to her waist like my life depended on it. I cried , I felt like a little girl seeking my moms protection. But nobody could help me from this this pain was real. I didn't want to let go. This wasn't happening. Hours had passed by, it was time to go. His mom was still with him. I didn't want to go in the room. But I did. There he was, why did you leave me. You promised. I hugged him, I whispered in his ear. Waiting for him to smile. All this time I had asked me to let go, and all he was waiting for was for me to let him go. I did, I told him he didn't have to fight anymore. I know that's why he let go. He was fighting for me. I looked at his mom, we have to let him go. He wouldn't want this. I looked at his body, this wasn't him anymore, It wasn't him. I grabbed all of his stuff and walked out. What now? How am I supposed to be ok?

I was talking to Michael, in my mind from the moment he left. I felt alone, I was numb. There were so many people at the hospital , I just wanted to be alone. I walked out of the hospital I didn't tell anyone, I sat in his car and cried. He passed away on July 14, 2013 at 1:13pm  week to the date of his diagnosis.