Goodbye

The day of the funeral was coming, I was so busy running around I didn't have time to think. I liked it like that. But at night shit got real. I had no choice but to think. I hadn't slept since he left. I couldn't being in that room was too much. I felt his energy, I was drowning in sorrow. I was having anxiety attacks. I didn't know how to be alone. So much time spent together, I missed him. Sami missed him, she would be up all night with me, meowing and following something, invisible to me. I knew. She felt him, probably saw him. I looked through our pictures , I kept looking at my phone waiting for him to text me. As I looked at my other hand, I held his phone. Why is this happening. I just want to talk to you, why cant I just send you a message?

I started talking to him, I needed him to know I missed him that I was going to be ok. I didn't believe that then though. All I saw was the darkness surrounded me, I had always been positive always tried to see the silver lining. I couldn't see it now. Michael I said, I hope you are happy, I hope you have peace, I know that you are now happy. I hope you approve of all the decisions I have made. I hope I have made you proud. I get that you are better wherever you are , but I miss you I wish I could see you. Show me that you are around. I need you to help me, I don't know if I will be able to handle all of this.

I knew he was around me but I needed confirmation. The day of the funeral had arrived, I didn't want to go. I sat wide awake all night thinking about it. I didn't want to be there, I didn't want to see his body. It was no longer him to me. That was just his vessel like he would often tell me. I didn't want to see it.  I sat font row surrounded by his mom and family. I gotta keep it together I thought, keep it together. I saw the casket being brought in, I couldn't  contain all the emotions, tears rolled out. Please I need strength. I knew I would lose it when I saw my mom, she is the one person that sees beyond my wall. Sitting there was hard, I avoided looking at the casket I didn't want to see his body like that. That body that was full of cancer , poison it took him away from me.

Every time someone came up to me and gave me their condolences I shed tears, when I was hugged I broke down. Every single one of them was reminding me that this was real. This was happening. HE was really gone. I knew it, but it didn't sink in. Stupid? denial? yes and yes. I didn't want to believe he was gone, because in essence his spirit was with me, so no he wasn't gone.  Physically I would never see him again. That thought and realization hurt my soul. I would never see his smile, hear his voice, hear him tell me those stories. That was a lot.

I saw all his friends surrounding him, it was a beautiful site. But it also brought back something Michael had told me, he had dreamt this. His friends surrounding him, me sitting next to his mom crying. Gave me chills, he saw this coming, I didn't want to listen.

We all headed back home. "Home" it didn't feel like that to me anymore. He was home. I didn't know how long I could stay there, it was too much for me. All the memories all the time, I saw him in everything. I knew I wasn't going to be ok unless I left. I hadn't slept I was exhausted physically and emotionally. I felt like I couldn't breathe. I was suffocating. On Thursday I went to pick up his ashes.  I walked in, it was surreal to me that I was standing here waiting for his ashes. The lady handed them over to me, his body in this earn. Crazy how life works. I sat in the car staring at it. You are more than ashes I said, but this is all that's left. I couldn't even comprehend. I hugged this heavy bronze earn. I miss you. I cried and cried until I couldn't breathe.

That same day I took off to California. I needed to think, to breathe. I was running. I thought I would feel better, I didn't. I sat in front of the ocean , just staring at this big beautiful sea. Every time I went to California he was with me, I looked to my sides looking for him to come to me. He never did. The ocean made my problems sees so small, like I can conquer the world. But this time all I saw was him.