Life.

I moved out when I got back home. I had to. I knew I would be able to heal there. It was too much.  As soon as I walked in I felt this thickness in the air, it felt heavy. I had finally slept while I was in California, when I got back home that night I was wide awake again. The days that I was away, I was able to breathe and not cry. But being surrounded by his things, and feeling all this energy around me it was too much. I cried all damn night. The worst part was seeing the earn sit there. He was there, well his physical body. It was so hard, I held on to that earn all night. I knew he was there I could sense him. No, I'm not crazy, I wasn't loosing it. I know what I felt, and what I saw. This is what I believe to be true.

I talked to him that night, I cant be here anymore I told him. It's to hard, I need to heal and I can't here. I don't feel like I belong here anymore. I hope you understand. I cried, I felt like I was letting him down. I'm sorry I told him I'm not as strong as you asked me to be. I talked to his mom, I told her I couldn't be there no more, she understood. I moved in with my mom. She saw the sadness in my eyes, she sat me down. Mija she said he is ok, I had a dream he is fine. He told me to let you know he is fine, and not to cry for him anymore. Well fuck I thought. You don't know how I'm feeling , you don't understand the sadness that my heart feels. Don't tell me what to do. I looked at my mom and cried, I feel like a little girl when I am with her. My barriers brake down, she sees into my soul. She held me, I held on god why cant she make this pain go away! She told me to let him rest, she believes that when he hold on to someone after they have passed or cry for them or not accept their passing that their soul will not be at peace. He is at the house , I sensed him already. Let him go.

I looked at her. Let him go? ... so this is how he felt when I kept telling him to let go.. I don't like it. I nodded she left me be. Let me tell you, shit got weird at the house, he was very much with me.  It was still hard for me to get any sleep. I was having anxiety I didn't know how to sleep without him. I started taking his anxiety medicine. Not good , I know. But I did it. I didn't want to cry anymore, I was exhausted . I stopped taking it, I didn't want to depend on that.

It will be six moths on the 14th. Six months. It still so surreal to me. I miss him everyday. Because of this blog I have healed. I learned so much this past year, I grew so much. I wont sugar coat this, shit is hard to deal with. Every damn day was a struggle. I cried myself to sleep for a while. I talked to him every night before bed. I talked to him on my way to work, it helped me. I know his spirit is with me always, I know he listens to me. That brought me peace, that helped me mourn. I get that he is gone, but he is here. I get it. But that still didn't help my heart. I was heartbroken. There where days I didn't get up, I spent my days in my room. Days went by and I didn't do anything. But then I thought what am I doing?

He would not be happy looking at me doing this. IF I learned anything through what we went through is to live life. We are here to love to learn, to grow. I learned that. The best way to honor him is by living my life to the fullest without regret. I learned to forgive, to accept other with out judgment to love those despite how they treat me. To be compassionate to everyone. Because let me tell you, some people are going through hell and back and you wouldn't even know it. Michael didn't look sick, but he had the world on his shoulders. Nobody that saw him on the streets would of known he had just got chemo or that he had cancer. We don't know how our words or judgments are going to affect someone else. WE don't know their struggle.

I wake up everyday grateful for this life I have. No its not perfect far from it, but I'm here. I'm healthy I have a job. I may not have what I want but I have what I need. That's all that matters. I appreciate life so much more, I see life different now. We live in a beautiful world, full of magic, full of life, I love it. No need to hold on to frustrations or anger . Why? how is that going to make my life better? its not, I let it go.   I do get mad, I am human. But I let it go. I have to , I'm going to live my life. I'm learning to let go of my fears, of worry. No need for that. I had no choice but to let go this past year, I had no control. I need to learn to keep that up, life is unpredictable I try and control situations I like to be prepared. But why? I am learning to accept the things as they come. Letting go of worry is the hardest. But its a work in progress.

Yes, loosing someone is hard. Nothing will ever compare to the loss of someone you love. Everyday is hard, I think about him always. I see something and it will remind me of him. I laugh at the memories of us. I miss him everyday. I miss his voice, I don't remember what it sounds like anymore. I still have his phone, I still can't use it or been able to go though it. One day at a time. I learned that its ok to cry. I took his " be strong" to damn literal. I believe he meant that I would be ok, I needed to be strong yes, for the future. Its not easy I cant say that enough. He knew I would be ok, but he also knew how I am. I carry my heart on my sleeve he knew how I would take his loss. He knew how hardhead I am. CRY please cry if you lost someone its ok. We have to be strong yes, but we also have to mourn the loss of that person. Because we love them, because we will miss them. They will leave a whole in our hearts, but they are still with us just in a different way. If I had to do this all over again, I would. I wish I could change the outcome, but I can't. But I would do it again, he was a big part of my growth in my life. We were meant to go through this together I know that now. I know we needed each other, to get through it. We healed each others wounds, we helped each other.

I am grateful for all those that came into our life. Those doctors and nurses that helped us. So many people extended their love to him. Helped him financially, or just gave him the love and compassion that he needed. I will forever be grateful for them. Those that saw beyond his scars, his sickness and saw his heart, that saw him. Thank you. He was grateful he never expected so much kindness, he didn't realize how many life's he touched, but he saw and I am grateful for that. Amongst the darkness of this last year, we always saw the blessing we had. They were the light that kept us going.

Life is so damn unpredictable, its too short for some. Live it, love it.