Releasing His Ashes

What a journey this past year has been and this year as well. Goodness I never in a million years thought I would be here sitting writing this. Life has a way of surprising me, and what a surprise. After loosing him I never thought I would be here, I am in a good place now. I am happy, I am loving this life I have created and still am.

Anyway so he has been gone for nine whole months. Goodness time has slipped through my hands again. It feels like I haven't seen him in years, my eyes miss those smiles, that laugh. I miss messing with his hair, playing with his eyebrows. Those little stupid moments that came so naturally, how I miss them the most. I was finally ready to release his ashes. Well part of them. I have been wanting to do it for so long, not because I was seeking comfort because I knew that wasn't going to give me any. But because I gave him my word that I would. He knows that I always kept my promises. February was the month it would happen. His birthday, first birthday I would plan this whole day and surprise him. But this birthday I would fulfill the promise to release his ashes. I talked to his mom about getting some of them. It was hard for her, I get it. It was her son I was taking. But I would never take them all , I would never take that away from her, all I wanted was to get this done for him. I have come so far the only thing that was bothering me was the fact that I had yet to do this for him.

She agreed and I went and bought this beautiful glass bottle. Walking back to that room was so hard. Goodness It brought back so many good memories and some not so happy. I remembered him laying in bed listening to his music or the time we laid in bed watching star wars for the hundredth time. Then my eyes turned and I saw the earn. The rush of emotions was surreal. I held it, I saw the picture of us on the wall. Oh how I miss you I said. This isn't you, I know that. You are next to me, this is just your vessel. But I am here to take it to the ocean. I shed a few tears, then I took a part of him with me.

The drive to California was bitter sweet, he always drove. This time I did. My thoughts wondered back to happy times, I smiled often. I wondered how I was going to handle letting his ashes go. Michael I need you to be next to me, I need to feel you with me. He was so present with me after he passed his energy was so strong I sensed him so much. I loved it. I yearned for that comfort so much. Slowly his presence  faded away. He wasn't around as much, or so I thought.  Now I know better. But I hated that he wasn't showing me he was around. I still don't like it. LOL. But I get why I don't. He shows me when he knows I need it the most.

The first day in California my cousin recommended we see this cove. As soon as I saw it, I KNEW this was the place I was going to let the ashes go. It was such a absolutely magical day. Everything was perfect. The weather, the atmosphere god I don't know how to describe it. But it was so peaceful I felt so relaxed . I was afraid to let his ashes go. We left the park and we explored the beaches, we drove with no destination in mind. But the more I thought about the more I realized this was the place. On our way back home, I stopped at the Cove. I need to release it. My friend said ok. We hiked down and sat on these rocks. The view of the ocean and the sun beginning to go down was magical. I took EVERYTHING in. What a beautiful day I thought. Michael look at this, how blessed am I to see this? I sat there , my friend asked if I was ready no I said. I was waiting for the sunset.

But the more I waited the more I realized today was perfect. The sunset wouldn't change that. I got up and walked . It was hard. Michael I said, this is it. Here I am ready to honor my word. I found the place. I stood there and began to talk to him.  I miss you so much, I know you are here. I hope everything I have done through this has been good for you. I made decisions that not everyone agreed with but I know how you are so I stood my ground. I hope I made you proud. I love you. I thank you for all that you did for me. You better not ever leave me lol . Then I felt him. Nope he was with me always. I opened up the glass bottle and let go. Of course it landed all over me!.. Hahah oh Michael I laughed.

This moment wasn't a sad one. It was happy. I was happy . I didn't need closure. I had it. He was with me. This moment was beautiful. This journey brought me here. Bitter sweet oh so bitter . I would do anything to feel his hugs again or to hear his voice. But I understood why I was here. Why this happened. There is a higher purpose for all of this. I choose to see that. The veil of darkness had lifted and I saw the beauty in everything. HE showed me. He was with me. In another form but with me. What a beautiful thing, that I could feel him.

The trip helped me grow even more. I saw life so different. I saw the beauty in things that I never even noticed before. I have grown so much. I have him to thank. Like Jamie said he came into my life to help grow, to teach me some valuable lesson about me about us. We helped each other in ways that I am just NOW seeing!..