Still Standing...

April 14, 2014 will mark nine months since I last heard your voice. Those that have lost someone know, how life seems so eternal and yet it seems like in a blink of an eye time has slipped through . Eternal because of how it feels to be without that someone. Not seeing them, hearing them, touching them. But I sit here its NINE months later... what?! Where has time gone. How the hell have I been able to do this for this long?

I get asked that a lot. How did you do it?.. I don't know. How do I breathe? I just do. Every single day is a struggle. I have to take it a day at a time. That's the only way to deal with the reality. Some days I am good, life seems full of blessings, I remember something or look at a picture and smile. Then I have my shitty days. I see his picture and I remember that laugh or that smile and I cry. It brings me so much happiness but dragging behind that is this sadness. I miss him. The memories hurt me because I remember how good life was then. Those days are hard, they are becoming fewer now. But they still hurt. I'm healing .
How do I know? Well because I  have noticed that when I see a video of him "commentating" on a game I laugh I smile. It stings a bit, I cry because I am happy that I had him in my life.

I used to cry so much because I missed him. Because I yearned for his touch for his hugs. I was mad. I didn't get why this had to happen. I didn't know how I would do it without him. Don't get me wrong I still cry when I see a picture or when something or someone does something that he would do. Because I will always yearn for him miss him. But we do heal, eventually we learn to laugh and smile at the memories. We learn to live with this situation. We have no choice really. I see him in so many places in so many people makes me smile. When I need him I talk to him. I always talk to him. Its become part of who I am. It has helped me understand and heal. I know he's around, I know he hears me. So why not talk to him? I know he can't respond back, but he finds ways to let me know he is around. I am grateful for those signs. When I need him the most he finds a way of showing me, that he is right next to me.

I have grown up so much. I get that I am now here, why ? I don't know yet. But I am going with the flow. THIS is now my reality. I am coming out of this shell I surrounded myself with. The situation that I went trough helped me grow, transform, shed the old skin I had on. He is proud of me, I know it. I am proud of myself. I realized that I am stronger that what I give myself credit for. I see life in a new light, I appreciate life and those around me so much more. I am blessed everyday. I cherish the memories I have . I wish we had taken more pictures together or videos. But I have so many other memories that are amazing. I remember them so vividly.

I recently found a journal that I completely forgot about. I wrote two entries. One was a week after he passed. The other a month. I read them. I cried. It was intense. I could feel the pain the hurt, I took myself back to those moments. I was in such a dark place. I was angry but more than that I was in so much pain. The pain oozed out of the paper. I finished that entry and I had to pull myself out of that. That's the moment I realized how far I have come. Whoa I thought. I didn't remember writing that at all. I sat there and reflected back, what a journey this has been. My faith, everything was tested. Everything. I had to go through the darkness to reach the light. I had to deal with all those emotions . I had to cry. I had to deal. I was so stubborn trying to stay strong for so many people but why? I have every right to cry, to feel however the hell I wanted to. I didn't learn that till recently. It sucked for me, I cried when I was alone, I didn't let anyone see me mourn, I had to be strong. The only way to heal to learn to deal is to feel it.

We have to feel all those emotions, it helped me grow it helped me cleanse my soul. I was at my lowest, my knees gave out, I hit the ground and cried until I had nothing left. Then I stood up and I continued on. That's how I eventually healed, not until I realized I had do cry and let all those emotions go. For so long I thought crying was a weakness, so many times I was told don't cry that makes you weak. No its not. Damn it!.. I am one strong woman. But I will cry. Because I hurt , because I feel. It does not make me any less of a person. I have chosen to love this life I have now. I am here for a reason. He isn't . He is gone for a reason a higher reason one I have yet to understand. I don't like it , but I know I have to deal with it. I am here to learn to grow, to love. To experience this life. I know I had to go trough this pain, through this journey for a damn reason. I am just trying to understand it now. He is with me always, he is guiding me, he loves me , I love him. He is surrounding me with love. I choose to spread this love. I choose to live this life now because that's what he would ask me to do.

So here I am. Nine months later. Bruised and scarred but still standing. Stronger and with my faith restored.