Breakthrough

I had a major Ah ha moment. One that I didn't see coming. It all began Sunday.  A friend and I shared a session with Mitchell. I love Mitchell he is full of life and oh so very fun to be around! Even if its via Skype! Anyway so I had no questions or was I looking for anything in particular. My friend wanted to get in touch with her mom. Of course spirit directed him towards me first. Again I had no expectations. I got loving and very appropriate message from a great grandma . She sounds fun, and like my mother. But then he came through I always ask him to, he never disappoints me. He asked me to go to Coronado island. That was our place. Every year without fail we would go, there is something magical to me about San Diego , about Coronado Island. It was more special because we went together. Needless to say I haven't gone back. I wanted to move there , I would always tell him that. But Mitchell said I wouldn't and he is right, It would loose the magic it  has.

I didn't know how to feel. Going back? Without him?! .. No it was our thing. Too many memories. Mind you I went to California to release his ashes , I planned on it being in San Diego, but I chicken out of it. I didn't think I would be able to handle it. So I didn't go. So here I am listening to Mitchell tell me its very important I go , and then he said you need to let him go. Excuse me? I thought I have... Michael wants you to let go of who he was physically he isn't that anymore. You need to release it. Hmm I thought. What is Michael talking about, he has lost it. I honestly thought I had. He was very adamant of me going to Coronado Island and releasing what I was holding on to. He would be very much present there. I would feel him like I hadn't before. Man I was excited about that, but scared at the same time. I didn't get what he meant by releasing. I said OK, I will try and go. Again I was told once I release it, I would feel his energy more I would be closer to him.

Alright, I thought you have made your point. Goodness. He is full of energy that one, and very much active. That was that, the session continued to my friend. All that day those messages echoed in my head. I didn't understand what he meant. How do I let go? All I know is how he was here physically, letting go hmm I was so confused. Monday came and I was all in my head, ugh as usual. I wrote the entry for the blog and then I started reading older post. I never have read them, once I posted I walked away. It was too much. I had enough with just writing it. But I read some of them. It didn't effect me as I thought. Some got me a bit emotional but for the most part I was ok. I sent a message to Mitchell , I needed guidance with this. How do I do this exactly when I don't understand what he means!? I was annoyed, I started talking about it with a friend she has helped me so much. Ashley let me vent, I talked about what I was thinking then it clicked.It freaking clicked. WHOA!

One moment popped in my head from the blog, and then I got it. It was when I had broke the news to Michael that the cancer was back. He broke down and got quiet on me. He was dealing. He had told me to leave, that he would understand if I didn't want to do this anymore. ( like I would leave him, silly man) Anyway I said, no I am here deal with it. I sat next to the bed, placed my head on the rail and held his hand. Tears flowed down, I just looked at him. He kept letting go of my hand, I kept grabbing it. Until he made me mad, he let go and I grabbed it again and told him, I am not leaving you I am here I won't let go, I will never let go.

I was still holding on to his hand. I hadn't let him go.

What! It clicked , part of me, part of my soul was still holding on to him. Holly shit! Then more info came to me. I was scared to let him go, to let go of who I knew him to be. He loved me flaws and all. Letting go was acknowledging that I am here, that I will still be needed , loved here. I had to let go of my fears. That hit me hard. I got what he meant! But I didn't want to let go. But I realized who he was , is no longer. He is much more than that now. He is soul.

Goodness , I got home and cried. I let go. I cried because I accepted and acknowledge that who he was here is no more. What a blow. I get it I told him. I talked to him through my tears through the pain. I talked I cried, I felt all those emotions. I get it , you are love, you are calmness, you are happiness, you are energetic, you are spirit you are soul. This is the new and improved you. I said goodbye to physical Michael and said hello to this beautiful soul. Then I cried some more, I felt his touch which gave me so much peace, I felt calm, but I also cried even harder. The tears stopped I had nothing else. I felt depleted, tired, physically and emotionally. Goodness Michael what a day!

I wrote him a letter, a reminder to me as well. I have it. It will be a reminder to me on days when I feel like I am stuck. I will look back and see that I have released and put in the work. What a powerful moment for me. It was dramatic, it was exhausting it was beautiful.

He is all around me. He is love. He is me, I am him. We are connected always.