Exposed

Caregiver. I never thought I would be one. Never. I hated the thought of even working in a hospital setting. My mom was a nurse in Mexico, she is such a giver she wanted me to follow in her footsteps. So many times she would tell that I should go into that field. No, I would always tell her. I can't do that, I don't think I would cut it. I can't see people sick, or bleeding or any of that. Its not for me I would tell her. Look at me now. I saw so much of the suffering, so much blood and other bodily fluids. I was NOT a nurse not even close I was a caregiver.

Life sure as a way of teaching us, of exposing us to that which we thought would never happen or the things that we would never thought we are capable of doing. Being a caregiver has been the hardest thing for me. Its one thing to take care of someone you don't have a connection to , family or lover or friend. I respect all the caregivers so much more. Taking care of someone that is close to you is life changing.

For me it was. There is a line that as to be crossed , the privacy is gone. That person's personal space , and privacy is taken away from them, by you. In my case it was me taking it away. He felt exposed, he was insecure. I felt weird. Yes we had a relationship but somethings are personal but in our case it all was gone. He was exposed completely. I had to help him shower, he once told me felt like less of a man , he felt less than human. I can't even shower. What kind of life is this? I had no words. What could I say that would make him feel whole again? Nothing. Its OK I would say, things will get better, you will get better this is just a small obstacle.

My worries and fears had to be pushed aside. I had so much anxiety then. God please give me the knowledge and strength to help him through this. To be a good caregiver , guide my hands so that I don't hurt him. I was so worried about hurting him. I was never one to be willing to be exposed to blood or any of that stuff. I could never handle it, I didn't have the stomach for that. But here I was, about to be exposed to that and so much more. He never knew all of that, he didn't need to. My fears stayed with me. He had his own anxiety and fear he didn't need to worry about me. I was going to get my shit together and be there for him.

I remember when I first saw his colostomy wound.. goodness! My hands were sweaty, my heart was racing, I was giving myself a pep talk. You got this, breathe, just breathe. You need to get it together for his sake. Man was I woozy. The nurse called me to his bedside she was going to teach me how to clean it and how to properly place the bag on it and all that jazz. When I first saw that it looked gross.. lol. But I kept it together, the nurse had me put on gloves and touch it. Ok then I said, lets do this. Not to be gross or anything but fluids and gases came out of it, did NOT help me any. He laughed at me. I mustered through it, I cleaned it. I learned how to cut the ostomy bags. The nurse was impressed. She gave me so much reading material, I read everything. I knew what to look for if it became infected, I mean I was ready!!!

He was never comfortable with me doing things for him. He hated that he depended on me so much. But I always said tough shit, we are here now, this is how its going down. When you get better you can take care of me..but now just relax babe I got you. Time eased me into this new title. I was never comfortable with it, because things always changed . I always had to do or learn something new. I always had a fear of hurting him, or of failing him. It always kept me on my toes.

Caregiver isn't something to take lightly you just can't. It takes up all the time, you give yourself completely to this. You have to. No half assing anything. I did. Quit my job, he was my priority. He became an extension of me, more so than normal. I had to look out for his safety his well being, physical and emotional. That's a lot to put on anyone. Make sure pills are being taken, not to mix any of them. Make sure his wounds where clean, his ostomy was working, make sure he ate. Made sure he had everything he needed. Make appointments, deal with financial situations. Make doctors appointments, transportation, pay bills. My head was spinning. Made sure his TPN was given to him on time, I took on his worry his fears. I talked to all the doctors, he was never present at doctors visits either because of the med's he was on , or the chemo or he just checked out. He didn't want to deal. So I did. I asked all the questions, I needed to know what to do if this happened or what if this happened. So I asked. I needed to be informed so that I could answer his questions later. Because he would always ask me so many questions.

Why does the wound look like this? Is it infected? Is the medicine supposed to make me feel like this? When do I have my next chemo session? Are we going to be able to afford the medicine?.. I had answers to his questions, I was always prepared.If I didn't know I figured it out. I refused to let him stress about anything. Caregiver has been the most difficult. There where times he would not be happy with me, because I had to give him medicine or clean his wounds. I was't doing it right, so he would do it. Then things would fall or he would have a rip in the bag, and I would hear about it. "See what happened look at this shit, why didn't you do it"?

The joys of it all. But would I change anything? Nope. Believe me those that have been caregivers to a family member or someone close, now the struggle. There were days when he was so mad at me for forcing him to take his medicine, for being brutally honest with him, I always told him the truth even if he didn't want to hear it. I would always say, we didn't come this far to lie to each other. I didn't care, I would always tell him I will be the bad guy if it means you get better. So be mad all you want, I won't let you down.  There were times I was so mad at him, why is he acting like a child!? He knows what needs to happen, we clashed we argued but at the end of the day, we both knew the higher purpose for this whole thing so we got over our shit.

Patience... I learned to master it. Through all of this I learned to be patient. With myself because this was a new world I had been thrown into, patient with him because this too was new to him. I learned to be strong and not to let something scare me so easily. So many things where thrown at us, I learned to accept whatever it was, took a deep breathe and said, OK this is how we are going to deal with this obstacle. Nothing seemed impossible. Nothing. We could do this, I had faith in him. He dependent on me for everything by the middle of the process and that was ok, I needed him to I knew I was his rock, so I let him lean on me.

Care giving has given me an insight into who I am. Who I know I can be. It was a beautiful gift given to me. I see that now. It exposed me to my fears, to my anxiety and forced me to deal with my insecurities, it brought us closer  that I could ever imagined. I believe our souls synced to one another. We knew what we needed and we got it done. I knew something was wrong before he did, I felt him. . I think I did a pretty damn good job. I wasn't perfect by any means, but I was what he needed. I see it now.