The lesson

" Some people come into your life, just to teach you to let go"..

Goodness things are "clicking" they now make sense. Hmm interesting. It just took me realizing that I needed to let go, and get this... I actually let go! What I needed  to realize and connect the dots. I hear ya , I hear ya. I saw that quote and it resonated with me. I know , I feel like that's one of the main reasons he cane into my life.  Kind of freaky , the more I thought about it the more sense it made. The more I kept saying DUH, Zaira, why the hell didn't you see this before?! ( well because you weren't ready?!.. duh) hahah That popped in my head as soon as I finished the previous thought.

With him looking back , from day one I had to learn to let go. I was so closed off, so scared . I felt broken then. I was so shy so quiet. Goodness, meeting him changed me. He helped me open up..  But I fought it all the way. We healed each other, he was broken too. We both needed healing and we found each other. We were meant to . I see that now, he gave me something nobody else could then something I didn't think I deserved, I gave him something he was looking for, something he didn't think he needed.... Love.

 I was so damn stubborn, I still am but not the degree that I was. I am growing up!.. haha The biggest test for me was to learn to let go and walk with faith ahead of me. Not knowing what was coming next. I did not like that at all. I like knowing whats coming, what to expect, so I know what to do or how to handle it. So that was a big ol test. I think I did pretty damn good. Being faced with that sickness , we never knew what was coming. Nothing was set in stone. Things constantly changed.

Bad news one day, great news the next. So damn bipolar! I hated it. My emotions went through such a roller coaster. Man I tried being ahead of it, or so I thought. Silly me. I read so much on the cancer, what to expect what could happen. Oh I tried to control it. It sometimes worked, but rarely. Nothing was a sure thing. I finally gave up trying to control. I prayed, Ok I said, I get it. You are in control not me. I have faith that this whole situation will work out to the best.

I have faith.

Took me a while to come to terms with that. I talked to him , I told him this is the journey that we are going to go through. I can't control a damn thing. So i'm not. Whatever happens I will be there, we will get through whatever. That was a big deal to me. I saw the pain, the the darkness of this disease, but I could do nothing but let go. Walk blind through it. Had faith that it would be ok. I just NOW realize that lesson. But I obviously didn't learn that completely.. ha! Here I am again, and again I learned the hard way that I need to let go. I get it Michael, I get it!!!

I tend to hold on to things. Then they start consuming me. So often he would tell me to let go of those things. "Talk to me" he would tell "just let it out. I see how it affects you"I would talk to him about some stuff others where just to painful at the time. When you have done things the same for so long it becomes a part of you, a habit hard to break. That was how I have always been. I can't just let go I would tell him, I don't work that way, I wasn't built like that I would tell him. He would just look at me, why must you be so stubborn? .. I would always laugh and tell him, it takes one to know one.

 Its still a struggle to talk about what is going on with me. Not going to lie. Writing has helped so much, he knew it when he asked. Me?..not so much. I fought this too. But look at me now, writing like nobody's business. I am enjoying this therapy. I never intended to write for anyone but me. This was for my release, but I see now how by doing this I might just be helping someone else. Crazy how things work out. I had to go through this to grow to accept life surprises, life's tragedies, life's gifts. I see how holding on has effected me. It consumes me, why do I let it? It is such a mental thing for me , I am always in my head. Overthinking , over nothing. Worrying about shit I have no control over. I cause myself more stress than I should.

The challenge now, is getting out of my head. That will definitely be a challenge. But guess what?! Bring it on.  I learned to let go. That was major for me. I see the change in me already. I see it. Goodness I am no longer that girl I was a year ago. How I have grown. This whole journey has thrown me into this reality check. I went into it kicking and screaming. I lost my other half in the process. But I gained his soul his spirit. What a beautiful gift to get. He definitely helped me heal, he helped me grow. He has helped me see how strong I am. How beautiful I am, so many times he told me that I would be blessed I would be given what I deserved because he felt he didn't give me what I deserved. Well Michael let me make this clear to you.. You gave me EVERYTHING I needed , you loved me flaws and all , you accepted me my stubbornness my bossiness. You helped me heal. So yes you gave me what I needed. I see you working around me, bringing people into my life. I see you.

I feel whole. I feel peace , I feel the love from everyone. Funny how things work out. I am getting some great support some great advice from strangers, I am uplifted and I feel it. We are all indeed very much connected they get me. Beautiful thing when you are able to talk freely about your beliefs and say things without worrying about someone thinking you are loosing it. I know what I believe some might think I am utterly crazy, and that's fine with me. I don't judge anyone beliefs, this is me. I am here now. I accept those as they are. Love them as they are. We are all connected, we all deserve to feel this love.

I am happy.

 I am grateful .