Goodbye Fear

Letting go.

I did of Michael well of his physical being and I now embrace is beautiful soul. Well I now know that also means I have to let go of that thing that has held me back the most. I never thought I would even bring this up, but this year has definitely had me do things I would never thought I would. Just writing this I know will help me let go and release all of this fear I have. Thank you for loving me even when I didn't think I deserved it. You helped me grow, you helped me see who I am, who I can become.

For so long I held on to a fear. It held me back, it changed me, it gave me anxiety. It suppressed me, who I am. The fear of getting hurt. I never admitted to it, or acknowledged what happened. To anyone.  But I think doing that gave it too much power. Power that I am now taking back.  I was molested as a child. Wow just typing that took a lot. I acknowledge it. Yes it happened. I was young, I don't remember how old I was when it began, maybe I do but I blocked it . Either way I'm grateful for that gift. But it went on for a few years, I was older . Maybe ten.. goodness its all a blur. That fear paralyzed me. Seeing him , paralyzed me. Scared me to death. I know that my defense mechanism helped me block the trauma. No all of it but for the most part I hardly recall any of it. I wasn't the only one. He did it to other family members I know that now. But I never admitted it happen to me.

I was ashamed . Scared . Here I was grown and that fear took me back to that broken little girl. Man did I feel broken. I felt ashamed, I felt guilty . I felt used, dirty. So many things a young girl should not feel. I completely  shut down, my wall went up and reinforced. I became a loner, refused to go to any family parties and or gatherings. I was so shy, and quiet. He completely destroyed me. I gained weight , my thought then was well if I am ugly and big he will ignore me or stop. Nope that didn't do anything. But it did begin my comfort with food. I used it to ease the pain. Made me feel better. The weight now I know was my wall. To prevent anyone from getting close, prevent the hurt , the pain. When it stopped I thought it was because now I was unworthy of it, but no it was just that I was too old. I was so afraid to tell anyone, would anyone even believe me? Fear paralyzed me.

My mom notice the change in me. She often asked me what was going on with me. She would sit me down and ask me to talk to her, I never did. I was terrified, what if she thought I provoked it? What if she thinks I am lying? I never told a soul. She got me a counselor at school, the counselor knew something happened. Bless her she tried to help me, she never gave up. I just refused to talk. I knew how to pretend to be "happy". After a year of trying the counselor told me she wasn't going to force me. She told me I know something is going on, when you are ready I will be here. She often found me in the hallways and stop me to see if I was ready.. I never was.

I carried so much. I held on to so much. The physical pain was nothing compared to the emotional pain that I carried. My heart felt so heavy. I felt so used , the emotions took over. But I refused to cry. Some nights the pain was too much I would cry to my pillow, or confide in my dog. She was my escape. I cried and she never left my side. I couldn't handle the pain, so I began to cut myself. Because the physical pain was a release, it made me forget about the emotional pain. It helped. Nobody ever saw what I was doing. I knew how to hide it. Food and cutting became my therapy. I gained weight, then I started to get criticized by some family members because of it.. I felt attacked from all over the place. It was such a vicious cycle. I already felt worthless and unloved to top it off I had more negative feed back,.

Depressed doesn't even begging to explain the state I was in. I was a mess. Here I was 15 years old and completely destroyed. My self esteem was in the shitter, I never felt beautiful, it was all so negative. Always. I never told a soul. I carried all of it with me. Now I get that I have to let go. This is my darkest secret. This is why now I have issues with who I am, being me.

Why should I?

I refuse to give him anymore power. I am a grown as woman. Yes he hurt me. No I don't forgive him. I hope he burns in hell. He destroyed my childhood and my teenage years and part of my twenties. Fear held me back. Because of him , I was shy, insecure, and so much more. Now I am learning to see the beauty that I have. It has been a long time coming. Its ok for me to be me. I have changed, this year molded me. It maybe see who I am , who I can be. I see pictures of me and I see this girl become a woman, I see the change now.

 I am worthy.

I am loved.

 I am beautiful .

I refuse to give him anymore power. I refuse. I should of done things different . I know that. I should of said something. I should of. That has haunted me, but I was in such a dark place. I had a conversation with my inner child today. We are ok, I told her. We are ok. I am here to protect you, its ok to let go now. Its ok.

This took a lot for me. Letting go. This was what Michael came here to do, well part of it. See I am letting go! No need to let this control me anymore.

 I release the fear. You no longer control me. You are no longer allowed in my heart in my head. I am happy,  I see my worth , I see my beauty.

I SEE it.

Goodbye fear.