Missing his laugh

Today you have been gone ten whole months...


Missing someone is something you can easily fix, you go and visit them. But what if that one person you miss so much is no longer here? What then?

Well we always cling to those pictures, home videos, recordings. Some have those beautiful things other don't. The hardest thing for me has been trying to remember what his voice sounded like , what his smile looked like. Those things we take for grated so much, now I wish I could see and hear one last time. Those things do fade away. Yes we have the memories of happy times but some days that's not enough.

Some days I just want to hug him. Fell his arms around me, I want to feel protected and secure. I want to put my head on his chest one more time and hear his heart beat. Smell his cologne. Feel him, see him looking at me and smiling. How I miss that smile. I miss him telling me how stubborn I was or telling me his stories. Oh man those where my favorite . Listening get so animated with his stories , sometimes he couldn't even tell them because he was laughing so hard caught up in the moment. Man that laugh.

But he is gone, just like that I am left with nothing. Just like that the laughter is gone. So stupid one day here the next hes gone. Its still surreal and yet so real. Surreal its been ten months of me not having anything of his left. But everyday is a painful reminder he is gone. I forgot he had uploaded videos to you tube. One day it popped in my head ( thank you bubba lol ) . So I searched and hacked his account lol. I listened to those videos for an hour on repeat. It was a six minute video I think, of him doing some commentary on a basketball game his friends where playing.

First time I watched it I cried like a baby. The first thing I heard was his laugh. I laughed right with him, because it was so genuine and full of life and it made my heart so happy then the rush of sadness came in, because I had missed that so much. Because I don't have that anymore. I cried and laughed. By the end of the hour I was just silently watching. My mind was rushed with so many memories, the happy ones and the dark ones. The dark ones took over, he was so happy  in those moments, and all I could think of was how much cancer had sucked that happiness out of him. How different he had been. It was a torture for me. It caused me more pain that good, it made me angry. He was taken from me, stupid cancer.

For me having that was a double edge sword. That was the last time I allowed myself to see and hear that video. I am not ready to go back to them. I sit here writing this and i was forcing myself to remember his laugh. yep, nothing. But I took a deep breathe and I swear I  saw his face as clear as day smiling at me. Best gift I could of received , aside from those butterflies.. *hint hint*.. lol

Like I was told today, we don't forget what they sound like . If we heard their voice we would instantly know its them. We miss hearing them, we miss seeing them. But we never forget. Our soul would never forget. I think if we had the ability to instantly hear them laugh or see them smiling in our mind, I don't think we would live in the now. We would be caught up in those moments in who they were here. We must learn to move on to heal. I know I could constantly be wanting to hear his laugh shoot, but if I did I don't think I would be where I am at now. I don't think I would of let him go. I would be holding on for dear life.

Its a blessing in disguise. I choose to believe that. I know he would not want me to be holding on to him, he wants me to move on, be happy live this life to the fullest. I get that is why he stepped back. I get it, he was very active with me before now, not as much. Because I got this now, lol he knows that I don't need him like I used to. But I also know that he is very much next to me, so it gives me peace and strength because I know he hasn't left me ..


But we are human after all and we seek that which gives us happiness and to me that was him. So allow it.  Today has been hard, I cried I laughed. I had so much love given to me it was incredible. It is getting easier. I have grown up more in ten months that I have in my lifetime. I see everything so much more clearly, everything I thought to be true back then has changed. My mind is completely opened to so many  new thing. I have embraced all of it. All I can do is grow.