11 my favorite number , Well not today..

" It has been said, 'time heals all wounds'. I do not agree. The wounds remain . In time the mind, protecting its sanity , covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone"- Rose Kennedy

I could not agree and resonate more with that statement. It will be 11 months tomorrow. I learned to live in the now. Didn't really have a choice though. I could't hold on anymore to him, he was gone. I was living this life in a bubble, seeing things from the inside, not enjoy the view, the beautiful view, not enjoy those moments of laughter or joy. I finally  had to let go. Goodness was it scary. I had to burst the bubble and walk out on my own again. Learning to be alone again was the hardest. He was always next to me, we were only a text or a call away. Now, well its not that easy. He is around me I get it, but someways you just need that reassurance. He is able to see me, hear me, touch me.. what do I get? Nothing, I get to know that he is here around but that's about it. That was hard for me to comprehend. So when he showed me those beautiful butterflies oh the joy it brought me. The reassurance, the love. I felt connected to him again..

It was hard for me to be alone. Specially with my thoughts, they can get so stupid and crazy. I learned , well I am learning to put those thoughts in paper and let them go. It has been good for me. See I'm not holding on anymore! ha!.. Anyway, yes I have been living this life, enjoy this life, learning more as I go. I have gone to the beach a few times already , I take in those moments and I am grateful. I was completely emerged in life! It is great. The beach has a way of centering me, bringing me back to reality, gives me a perspective, its just magical.. Makes me feel whole. Looking at the water, makes my bullshit issues fade. This voice just tells me look at this huge and beautiful creation, life is not that serious . Enjoy this moment and let go of those unnecessary worries. I am renewed . I absolutely love the peace and calmness it gives me, this is why I seek the water. .. I know I'm ranting.. but come on you get it right?

Mind you , I am living this life to the best of my abilities and making the best choices I can. But he is always in my mind. Some days he fades away, pushed aside by daily tasks, laughter or those moments of quiet. I will do something and I will say hahah do you see this? or man how you would have loved this, parts of me still want him here seeing things as I do enjoy those stupid moments. Run up to him and hug him, or just see his smile.. That smile . I know he is here , technically ugh I know it, but argh! Not the same. I know it can't be the same, but a girl can wish. SO i think i have things under control, proud of myself for coming this far. I got this I tell myself, you are strong chica. Life will give you what you need. Then like a shit ton of bricks, the pain creeps back in . I feel it cursing though me. Its cold, its numbing, its a feeling that drowns me.

Just like that its back. Nothing I can do. I can't shake it off, its not that easy. Its a process that I have to go through. Knowing that its been almost a damn year, hurts my soul. Makes things that much more real. I grieve again. The pain brings back those stupid painful memories. I close my eyes and I am back in that hospital room,  I can see him clear as day telling me he loves me telling me to let him go. I cry, I need to feel it all over again. I need to go through those stages of pain again. I thought I had surpassed this?! ..Nope it never goes away. It will always be there, always. I get that now. Its just a matter of how I chose to deal with it. I will embrace it, because it always gives me a lesson . Makes me stronger I believe . I am in that hurting stage now, I miss him so much, I am grieving. Can you believe you have been gone for almost a year? Because I can't comprehend how I have managed to go this long without you, without that big ol laugh, that cheesy smile, those stories you would tell me... You would be watching the basketball games right now .

Those little things are the hardest. I see the basketball games and I can go back to those days, sitting in the couch yelling at the TV.. I haven't watched basketball since then, not the same. The stupid things we take for granted are the ones that hurt me the most. I am not sure how I am going to be when that day comes, when I realize its one year. Its not going to be pretty but you know what? ITS OK. I will cry, shit I might just scream, but I need to express those emotions. I need to let my soul heal, and that's the process that it needs then ,ok.

Pain makes the soul grow develop , it makes it appreciate this moment . Without the pain I have gone through I know, I would not be where I am. I chose the path of pain for a reason right? Well I embrace you , you son of a bitch. You have broken me, you have taken away the thing that I loved the most. You left me broken and alone. Fuck you!.. You suck, but guess what I am still standing . I refuse to to let this control me. I thank you, for teaching me to appreciate everyone and everything, to live in the now...Thank you for showing me  that yes indeed I am a strong , I can do this on my own, I will face more of you in this life, but I got this. You do not control me, I control me. I will always choose to stand up and keep on walking. Broken and everything, I will still rise.