Dear Michael,

It had been a few days after you left , I sat in bed holding on to your ashes. Sitting there thinking this is reality now. How did we end up like this?.. Things were so good and just like that this tornado tore through our lifes.  I kept looking at the door waiting for you to walk in.. you never did. I needed to start packing I couldn't stay there anymore it was too much. I opened the door to the closet and this shoe box fell in my hands. I had never noticed it before. I sat on the edge of the bed and opened it. I looked through it and I couldn't help but laugh, smile and cry. I knew this wasn't coincidence.  I found movie stubs so many of them.  Some years old faded and ripped. Every single movie we went to you kept. You had saved momentos from vacations and from dates. I have no idea you had all those things. Every one of those held a memory , held happiness. It automatically took me back in time. You were such a closeted romantic.  Thank you for giving me those memories letting me know in that moment that I had the right to laugh and smile.

Two years today, I' m letting that sink in. .. Two years.. It baffles me. It feels like an illusion, like a cruel trick someone is playing on me. When will I wake up?.. sadly this is reality now. For so long I kept trying to hold on to time, grasp it in my arms not wanting to let it go. Trying to hold on to the memory of you smiling at me.. but time didn't want to wait on me, I felt every single minute coarse through me. So many days it felt like an eternity had passed me by. The memories seemed to fade. For so long I refused to acknowledge you where gone. We all heal in our own time. These past two  years I have healed, still am. Its a process. Some don't understand that, in order for us to heal we have to feel the pain, the sorrow, we have to process it and release it.

For a long time I was in denial but very much angry with you. You had promised me you would not leave me behind. Your death tore my heart apart, it shattered my faith. I was lost in a this brand new world without you. I didn't know how to be without you. I had to learn to love being alone, learn to sleep in the bed without you. It was so cold not having your warmth. I had to learn to find myself again. I had given so much of me to you, I had stopped living to take care of you. I will never regret that, for those months gave me more than you will ever realize.

But now it was my turn to live again. I was no longer in pause. I rejected that fact. I spent countless days in bed, crying myself to sleep, wishing that I would get just one more day with you, hoping and praying that I could wish you back to me. I kept hearing " don't cry " "are you ok?".. those words echoed in my head. Such lies I had to tell to console others . But little did they know the turmoil that I was going through. Then came the day, where I remembered what you said, you will get through this you said, you are stronger than you realize, I will always be by your side.

What an easy thing to say, I thought. But the more that echoed the more I realized I could do this. I needed to do this. You battled cancer and you fought so hard. That was the hardest thing you had to endure and you never gave up. Your loss thus far has been mine. Here I am Michael two years later. Some days are a blur, some days I still crawl in bed and cry, its part of the journey I am going through. I miss your smile on my sad days. I miss your stupid jokes , I miss the stories you told. I miss you holding my hand in the car, I miss running my fingers through your hair.. I miss the way you always held my hand while we slept. You never let me go.  The little things we all take for granted now are the ones that give me so much sorrow. I can still see you in those last moments as you held my hand , looking straight through me telling me you loved me letting me know that it was time for me to let go... Time froze I saw peace in your eyes I saw relief because you knew the time had come for you to be whole again.. Thank you for the countless laughs, the unconditional love. But most of all I am thankful for the lesson you thought me and the seeds you planted. I hope I have made you proud.

Alas my Miklo, my Bob the builder.., I may not always accept it but I acknowledge  the fact that you are no longer in this physical world . I get that sometimes our lives have to be completely shaken, changed in order  for us to grow and be in a place we're meant to be. I acknowledge that now you are this light in my path. You are full of energy and you make it known. Thank you for allowing me to grow, for coming into my life and loving me with all these flaws. For being the key for my change. I know now that your death in a way was my birth. I would of sacrificed that "birth" any day to still have you here. Things happen as they need to , to connect other things together. I see that, I get that. I have seen the connections, I have seen the seed you planted have now begun to blossom. You have awakened my connection to love , to the universe, to my true essence.

I miss you so, I love you so..

Thank you for the butterflies.

Dia de los Muertos

I sit here a year and three months since you have been gone. It feels like I haven't seen you in years and years. I miss your smile.

I will turn 28 in a week, I had thought we would celebrate that together.. but things change. Now I am unsure on how to feel about that. All I know is that you will be there, in a different form but very much present. (or else lol)

This past weekend I went to San Diego to celebrate him, and my ancestor in the Dia de los Muertos day. I went in not knowing how it would be , in regards to my emotions and all of that. I had been to old town before and it was fun and I laughed brought back so much happiness to me. I expected that again. I was nervous though being back, not sure why. I could feel some anxiety building up. I haven't felt that anxiety in a while, so it took me off guard. Throughout the drive I talked to him. Asked him to please be with me that night. Yes I said I know you are always with me , I get it but can you just please show me.. please.

Throughout the trip its like I knew what he was telling me and I always replied back. Usually with sarcasm. The day of the event I was anxious to be in the mist of the festivities. I painted my face, half skull half me. To me that's how it has been, me living this life but in a way still holding on to his , life and death together . Ying and the yang. I walked out of the hotel and walked those two blocks , people passed me by some with sadness in their eyes. I recognized that emotion, I know who you are I know who you serve I whispered. As I got closer I saw marigold flowers everywhere so beautiful adorning the altars for those that have moved on. It was so many mixed emotions. I was in awe of the beauty, of the gold pedals everywhere , of candles of those beautiful gifts left for them.

So much love goes into creating these altars, making sure the essence of that person is seen. The pictures of them laughing , hugging someone just full of life. I loved it. I was sad that I didn't give him that. I walked and passed so many people all honoring so many other, it was us a beautiful site. The more I walked the more alone I felt. The flashes of us walking into a store or sitting under this huge beautiful tree just flashed before me. My heart was aching.

I sat under a tree and just cried. I was trying not to. I could feel him telling me not to cry that he was fine and happy and that I knew this... I know I replied but dammit I need to cry, I know you are here I know you are happy and all that crap. But I miss you and I need to cry so I will. Maybe just maybe he did tell me those things or maybe it was just me. While I sat there my friend found me , we walked some more then I found the church. Oh this church. I walked in and sat down.

The lights where all off. The light that came through were candles in the church it was breath taking. I walked in and just sat down. My body tingled, Goosebumps invaded my body. Hi bubba I said. Instantly so many emotions I went with it. I let the tears flow, it was becoming so overwhelming. Last time we where there he was sick, I looked at the front of the church and I could see us sitting there. Just being , not talking not anything , just being. Praying and just breathing. I really thought you were going to beat it , I whispered I really did. I sat there and let my tears flow.

I walked out to the side door took a deep breathe and continued. I saw so many people like me. Knowing the sorrow I felt and the happiness. Some days conflicted by it all. See people don't always understand this sorrow. Daily life goes on , it has to. There are days when I just want to lay in bed and cry and say fuck it! Then I have days when I wake up with so much happiness and see the world with the eyes of source. This is life. Nothing is set in stone, nothing. I love you so. I honored the life you lived and the lessons we learned and the lesson you taught me.

Below are two picures of some of the altars I saw.. and me

Zaira

Release and Create

"Faced with inevitable change, the choice was mine. I could fight until my spirit was weary, or I could release all resistance and create something new in my changed world" - Dan Jackson


... But really read that, can you grasp it? We face situations in life that will just be that. Inevitable. How we react to them pretty much defines the whole issue. We can see the darkness of the situation or we can choose to see the light, the lesson.


I know its not easy. Believe me, not easy at all. But knowing everything that I have been through it has to be done. We must learn to release and let it be. We must learn to deal with whatever the hell is thrown at us and learn to embrace the inevitable change.


I swear the main lesson for this lifetime for me has got to be to let go. Time and time again I have been forced to. Believe me I fight and fight and resist, but then boom I see it, I need to let go. You would think that after what happened with Michael I would of learned it. I mean I have to a degree but apparently not to complete mastered yet. But I have noticed I have learned to see things differently, but yes I still so resist and yes I still fight. But I don't hold on for as long as I usually  tend to.


In August my home was broken into and everything was taken. Walking into my home, seeing it destroyed , seeing all my belongings on the floor, was heart breaking. I just stood there puzzled in awe. I could not understand how someone could break in and take things, break things. My soul was torn. I know there is bad in the world I get it. But the things they took I could never replace.


Never.


I felt the tears roll down my cheeks. I didn't care that they took the laptop, the TV , I immediately looked for my back up.  For that held the most precious things to my heart. My memories. The pictures, the videos. Just like that gone. Years and years of memories gone. Then in that moment as if he knew I needed him I looked down and on my wrist his watch. The only thing I had left. Then I cried and really cried. That morning , I kept looking at that watch, thinking I should wear it. But I kept telling myself no, it fits you big will only get in the way I thought. But right before I left for work, I stared at it, and without thinking I grabbed it and slipped it on.


I choose to believe it was him , telling me to take it. I am so glad I did. I listened to my intuition. That watch holds so many memories. Everything he ever gave me was gone, taken by someone that saw just as an object, someone who didn't know the struggle behind it, all it had seen. All that we went through.  That was heart breaking. But what could I do now?


I stood in the middle of the room , clothes all over the place and my poor Sami next to me scared to death. This was it. I was now bare. Everything gone. I looked at a picture of him and I said ok then.


In that moment I understood. Those pictures those things needed to be removed from my life, not because of anything other than it needed to be released. I wouldn't of done it. So they universe found a way of doing it for me. Now I had no choice but to let go. I had nothing else to hold on to. Nothing. Then I knew that I in some way I was still holding on. I would sit and watching videos of him. My heart still with him.


He needed me to let go completely. He needed me to be bare, to start from nothing. Those things I carry in my heart. I will forever . But now its different , now I have this blank hard drive if you will for me to fill with new ones.  Now I had to truly start from nothing and create.


It was a beautiful gift given to me. I would of appreciated if I got in in a better package. But I know that I wouldn't of listened. This got my attention. Oh the universe works in mysterious ways. But through this experienced I saw another gift the universe gave me that I didn't expect. The gift of love.


Love, so many people love me. So many people without hesitation gave me things to help me out. Gave me love gave me support. The universe gave me a warm hug, to console me, to lift me higher. I am grateful for that. For those people that showed me love, because well that's what they knew I needed.


Yes I have recovered some items thanks to those wonderful souls. But I am grateful for this chance to rebuild. I know that he is with me, I am never truly alone. He is watching me always. I get it, but I also know he wants me happy.


From this too I shall rise.


Zaira

Dating

So dating. UGH..

I feel so out of the loop. haha

Well listen, I didn't think I would be dating anyone. I had shit planned in my head, of what we were supposed to do. But you know this death thing kinda changed shit around. Those plans evaporated in front of my eyes. So now here I sit. Single, and ready to mingle. When did shit get complicated?

I mean , these guys are vicious, well SOME of them. Say one thing do another. But I guess its a life thing. Because that happens a lot. I am more of a say and do kinda chica. Makes me want to stay single. Its a damn process, but why not a fun one. Some I feel are interrogating me, while others have no clue. Listen guy, lets just go with the flow. Lets just laugh and enjoy whatever the hell this is or what it can turn into. Some are very conservative other are straight up flashing me, some I really don't mind... haha . No in between .

But I get it. This is how it is. Fine. I will manage. I am who I am at the end of the day. Its just weird being in this situation. But I am handling the best way I know how. Now how to I deal or what do I say when they ask why I am single?

Well i'm single because I had no choice. ? haha... just being honest. I didn't want to be Its a sensitive subject. I don't consider him being my ex, because we didn't break up. I have told one guy I was in a relationship and he passed away. He made me feel so uncomfortable. He kept apologizing to me. I mean why are you sorry? yes I know you didn't know. I don't hold this against you. It wasn't your fault. Then it got awkward. He didn't even know what to say.

Annoying. It's stupid. He went on to tell me it was ok if I didn't want to talk to him. Umm if I wasn't ready I wouldn't be. Can I get a break? I know what I am doing. I get "advice" on what I should be doing or how I should be handling this daily.  He just made me feel awkward.

Maybe it was my fault for bringing it up. I'm ready to live, I am ready to laugh non stop. All I want is to laugh. Its so simple , laugh , enjoy life. Enjoy every moment. That's it.

I don't need judgments. I don't need advice. Some may think this is too soon. Others may say why not sooner? Well I am ready and that's all that matters. I have dealt with it, its a daily thing sometimes. But its ok. I am all good.

Dairy Entries.

Tuesday, July 8th 2014.

I sit here in this dark room, the TV is on but all I can think of his going back to Coronado Island. Last time I was there, my life was so different. I can close my eyes  and see him sitting next to me in the warm sand, taking pictures of the water . I look at him and I just stare, he meets my glance and we smile. That beautiful smile , so genuine so full of life. That moment was perfect. Both sitting there in silence, there was no need for words. We sat there enjoying this beautiful creation. We walked got our feet wet, laughed joked and embraced that moment. That island holds a special place in my heart. It was magic. Tears roll don my eyes just thinking about it.

We spent so much time there. Whenever we thought about a place to visit we both always said San Diego. That islands holds so many beautiful memories , it holds our laughter our love. I sit here and cry because I know I will be there. But now its so different. I don't know if I can do it. I don't know if I can muster the strength to go back without him. I know I need to , to help me heal. To release this emotion to let it go. I don't want to go alone, but from the looks of it I have no choice. I want to honor his memory, his life. That is my gift to him, going back.

I'm not nervous, I am not scared.  I just don't know how I feel. I want to be strong, but I know my knees will cave. I know tears will flow, I know that I would sit by the water and just see us walking together, I know that I will walk the island and smile and laugh at all those happy moments but my heart will ache.

I don't know If can face it. I don't want to. I want it to hold its magic, stay the way I remember it. Is that so wrong?

Wednesday, July 9th, 2014

Well I broke down last night. I had one of those ugly cries. Those painful, heart breaking , soul aching , I want to scream cries. I haven't had one of those in a while..  It felt good to cry like that. I was mad at myself. I have been telling myself I was going to the island for weeks, but I never really thought about what that meant... I would actually have to go! DUH.. how stupid , it was just a passing though oh yea i'm going , but I never sat and thought about it until last night. It became real. I thought about what that meant. I get that some people won't understand why this has the impact that it does on me, and honestly I don't care. It has been years and years that that island became our gateway from life, from problems, from cancer. You see we started going there in 2007, in August to be exact. That started the love affair with San Diego, and it continue the last time we were able to get away in Nov 2012. The last time I was there with him. It was at Coronado Island. ( The picture on the right) So many memories, so many things we did together, that we learned, so many laughs. It is magical to me it is pure love. So last night I realized I would go back to this but now it was only me .

That broke something in me. I don't want that magic to fade away to change. I want it to stay intact. I want it to be this place of joy. I feel that going back will first of all be so damn overwhelming to me. I will walk and see US in everything .. I am not sure I can handle that. I thought I was ready, I don't think I am. I don't think I am strong enough to handle it. I know this is something I will have to face, and now I see that it will bring me so much more healing than I ever thought. As of today, I am still in conflict. I told him I would go back, guilt is taking over me.  I feel like a failure. I feel weak. You know I thought I had a handle on things, but I don't .

The last time we were there, he was on remission. The joy that we had , was beyond anything. We went to celebrate his life, we went to celebrate his blessings, we went to get away from all the frustrations, the worry. We let the water restore us, re energize us, the water cleansed us. It was beautiful. I was so grateful to be there with him, things where going to be ok. We sat there and just enjoyed life. But now going back, I do want to celebrate him. The beautiful soul that he is, but in a way I feel like this is a goodbye. Like By going there i'm closing the chapter.. That scares me, that makes me sad, that I can never do. But that's what I feel. That is whats causing the turmoil. The feeling that I have to let it go. That that will be goodbye. That it will be different there now, I want it to stay intact. I want it to stay as I remember it. Because everything else changed nothing is as it was NOTHING.. so I just want that to be unchanged.

It my head in my heart its still intact. Its protected from reality. Because we were happy there because he was free, because life was full of possibilities. Because we had each other. I don't want to burst that bubble yet.. I know I have to. I know some will think I am insane. Maybe I am. But everything was ripped out my hands I had no control over it, but this is mine. This is mine. No one can take that away from me.

Thursday, July 10, 2014 

I'm not ready. I am just not. Talking to friends some get it, other don't. Its ok. I know in my heart that I am not ready to go back. Some day maybe I will. I was told to just go and get it over with, I can't rush my healing, I don't want to. I have done so much healing and work these last few months. I am in a better place, but this next step is not so easy. I have to do what is best for me. Not going to lie I feel in a way that I let him down. that I disappointed him. That hurts me, but I also know that he isn't. The higher me gets that he would never feel like that, he loves me and understands. But oh these human emotions know how to fuck me up.

These few days drained me. I cried so damn much. I lost control again. I needed to let it out, it was raw it was unapologetic. In the past whenever something scared me or caused me conflict, I would automatically start having so much anxiety, I would be so nervous about the situation. This time it was different . I don't know how to explain it. I was waiting for all those things to happen, but it never did. Does that mean even though I was crying and scared I was still on higher vibration? ( anyone?)
 My mind rushed with memories, my heart was heavy, I was scared of going back , I was worried about how I would react. I knew it would be overwhelming but still in a way I was calm. It was so different. Back then my anxiety would of kicked in so bad, I would of been sweating from it, I would be so nervous about thinking of going, I would of made myself physically sick. So crazy to me, how much I have changed. It hasn't really "hit" me that is going to be a year on Monday.. All I have been dealing with lately was the fact that I had to face that trip.. I haven't let myself think about it .. But it will hit me soon enough.

I will go to California . I need the water to help me heal, to cleanse me of this sadness that I feel. I will celebrate him though. I will laugh, I will enjoy the beach. The best thing I can do to honor his memory is to live this life. To enjoy every single day, to laugh. That is what I plan to do. He will be with me I know that. I will be taking my niece and nephew with me, I will take them to the beach . They will for the first time experience the beauty that is the ocean. I will teach them to love this planet, to appreciate everything that we have. To take moments to stop and reflect to stop and breathe in. To listen to their intuition. I will teach that they they can do anything they effin want to , they have control over what they want. This is the way I will honor him. He loved those kids so much, and we will have fun. We will laugh , we may cry but we will be living.

Sunday,  July 13th , 2014

As I crossed the border from Phoenix to California .. a sea of butterflies greeted me. I have been coming to California every two weeks and never has it happenend. It was so many I doubted they where butterflies but they were .. so beautiful coming out of nowhere . My heart was overwhelmed with happiness. He welcomed me, he was with me. Taking the kids to Disneyland was amazing.. the smile on those faces I will never forget . Gave me so much happiness I saw Michael in their joy. The whole day was spent in laughter throughout the day butterflies greeted me. He was very much with us  enjoying the day with us. I remembered something while in the park I had told him. I had found a picture of him the age of my niece wearing his mouse ears.. I had told him we will go back and recreate that picture . He agreed he said yea we will.. I will wear the stupid hat. Lol here I was in Disney but now able to give my niece and nephew that opportunity. The first time experiencing California the magic of Disneyland . The day was just perfect everything was perfect. Today I took them to experience  the magic that is the oecan. They loved it . They where so overwhelmed with laughter and amazement that it could be so big and beautiful. They embraced every single minute . I embraced their laughter their pure happiness .. my soul was on fire. I am so grateful I got to experience that with them. My heart is full of joy. We enjoyed the water . I sat there and my thoughts drifted back to him. I remembered the first time we first saw the ocean and how happy I was . I managed to convince him to get in the water.  Fear didn't let him, he was scared of sharks .. I held his hand and we went in. I can still see his smile. So proud of him.

A but of sadness came in. Wishing he was with me enjoying this moment. Then I looked up and I saw the white butterfly pass by. Ooh you . You are here I said I love you . I returned back to the moment and laughed and played with the kids. As I sat there watching them laugh and play I looked up and again my butterfly greeted me. I talked to him.. how have I managed? I said it feels like a blink of an eye but here I am a year later. I can't believe it. But then another part of me says yes you can.

Yes because every single day is a reminder he is gone. Every single day I miss you. Every single day I see you in something. I will be ok but then everything crashes down on me again. I am learning every day how to deal with it. I am changed . I am different . My heart still aches for you for not being able to hug you or hear you or see you. But then my soul is happy because you are free . You are vibrant you are pure , you are love. I can't wait to see you again.

I promise you this. I will love you always. I will live this life to the fullest, I will laugh, I will cry , I will embrace everything that I experience. For its all a lesson. You my Bubba where the biggest one yet. I have gone from this ugly little bug to transforming into this butterfly. Thank you for loving me when I didn't think I deserved it. 

... on butterfly wings.

Enjoying the parade.. haha 😘

Niece and nephew enjoying the beautiful water 

This is Happiness.

The Deafening Silence

I was talking to a good friend, miss Tricia last night and I am just so grateful to have her friendship. I sat there and thought about where I was and who was around me. I know her, my soul knows her. Talking to her is oh so very easy. We automatically just clicked. She is a soul mate I know it. I look forward to the day I meet her. Unknowingly she has helped me see things in a new light, a different perspective that I never thought about. She makes me realize and see those aha moments that other wise I would have missed. She gets me, gets this journey gets my spirituality. Love her so much.

I sat in my bed thinking about all the new people that came into my life after his passing. I am in awe of them all. Each came in bringing something new to the table. Something that they didn't realize was lifting me up from this whole I was in. I never expected to be surrounded by love by unconditional uninterested , genuine love and support. I needed it. I didn't realize that I did. But I am glad that all those around me covered me with the blanket of love and support and understanding.

In my life, it has always just been me. Going through this journey with Michael I was alone. He was with me, yes he was going through it , yes. But I was alone. He needed me. I became his confidant, I carried all his worry, all his sorrow, I took it all in for him, I carried that weight on my shoulders. I didn't care, I was able to. I would do it again. I carried the weight of his families worry, the frustration, I listened to their fears, the sorrow. But at the end of the day, I was left alone. With my own thoughts, their thoughts. I felt the weight on me, my knees where buckling under me. But I stood up and continued. I had no one to confide in that would help me express all those emotions to. To let me vent , to let me cry. To ask questions to. What do I do? What if this happens? What does that mean?.... I carried it with me.

That experience was terrifying to me. I had no idea what was coming. Nobody told me listen this is going to happen, and you will probably face this.. but its going to be ok. I didn't get that. It was me and him , walking in the dark tunnel. Not knowing when the light would come in. I was so protective of him, I didn't want him to hurt anymore, I wanted , needed, to know what was coming. But I couldn't know. Cancer didn't care , what I wanted. It didn't care that we had plans. It fucked our life up.

Michael knew I was carrying on lot on my shoulders, he often apologized to me. I knew I could handle it. But as things got worse , I felt my knees getting weaker. Nobody understood what we were going through, what I was going through. What I was feeling, all the questions I had, all the anger I had. All the frustrations, all my sorrow, my heartbreak. Nobody knew , nobody understood. I had no one to talk to . Honestly I don't know how I managed so many things. Michael was there but I could only talk to him about so much, I didn't want him worrying about me. He already felt guilt for all of it. He didn't need any more . All I wanted was for him to have faith and concentrate on his health .

Then he left. I felt worse more alone that I ever felt before. But being the person that he was, he never left my side. He sent in the cavalry like miss T said. Oh and did he ever. So many people surrounded me. So much love. So much understanding. I'm so grateful for the group that Jamie created. Because there was only so much that I could tell my friends.Don't  get me wrong I love them all and appreciate what they did for me, but they just didn't understand. But after a while I felt like I could no longer talk to them . I felt they didn't understand. I felt judged. Some even said still?.. That hurt. I was expected to just be ok and be bouncy at back to what they wanted to see.  No it does not work like that!.. I didn't even know who I was anymore. I lost me. I lost him. It was huge loss for me. I could no longer talk to anyone. Again I held it all in. I felt judged . I felt like maybe there is something wrong with me. Then "The Deafening Silence " came to life. Things changed.

I was able, I was allowed to be sad, to be mad, to cry. What a breath of fresh air that was. People got me!. They understood the pain I carried with me. This doesn't just go away, pain changes us. Those that haven't experienced loss, just don't understand the impact. The life changes, the transformation that happens. I was uplifted with love, I didn't feel judged I felt accepted . They understood what it was like to be up all night crying, to know what it felt when someone said " move on , its been a while" they understood my frustration! They understood that yes, we learn to live with the loss, but there are moments where the pain just knocks the air out of us, out of nowhere. And again, we cry and release and that's OK!!!  It's ok for me to cry and release whenever the hell I want and feel like it.

This isn't something that we shut off. Nope. I wouldn't want it to shut off, I embrace it. I was embraced, I met people that I wouldn't of . Those friends like Ashley like miss T they came to me with nothing but love to help me heal. Knowingly or not they showed me love without expecting anything, they listened to my worries to my frustrations they allowed me to vent. God it felt so good to let it out. Writing has helped me tremendously but nothing compares to having a shoulder to lean on. This group allowed me to grow spiritually , to embrace, to question my beliefs to see beyond what we "think" we know to be true.

So I thank you all. For being selfless, for allowing me to cry to vent. For being beautiful souls. For being opened for supporting one another. For embracing those that need it, for accepting without judgement. Because you understand the pain. None of us deserve it but here we are, we embraced it and we allowed it.

.. on butterfly wings }|{

Stepping Out..

So many things have been happening. So much information , so much growth. I LOVE IT!..

This weekend I did something that , honestly I haven't done in years. Go out on a date. Never thought I would need to again. But you know , life happens. Well let me just say that I am no longer that old Zaira. Back then the nervous, the self doubt the damn anxiety would of taken over. I would of been shitting bricks!!! So much self doubt .. those negative thought would have invaded me. Made me feel unworthy of any attention. Would of caused me to go into this dark whole of self hate. Would of caused me to think .. is this a joke? He is just playing a trick on me. I had NO self love. NONE.

Its amazing to me how I have changed in so little. His death pushed me into this self discovery journey. That honestly I wouldn't off gone through. That my friends his how life works. We learn the most from our darkest hours. We grow because we have no where else to go but up. We have to learn to stand up again from our heartbreak, because life has knocked us down. My ass was on the floor.. I was there looking up not knowing if I would have the strength to get up, shit some days I didn't want to get up.I was so tired of fighting so tired of crying, so tired of life. I was ready to go with him.  But some how someway by the grace of god I did. It was not easy by any means. Shit I would fall on my ass several times before I was able to stand back up.

For the longest time I felt guilt, and no to long ago someone made me feel so guilty for talking to anyone. For being friends with someone that is a good friend to me. I fell in that trap. Guilt got me, I cried. Because what if they where right? How dare I do this so soon? I cried my ass off. But then I realized something . This is MY life. Who the hell is anyone to tell me how to grieve his death, when its ok to focus on me? We all learn differently, we all go through grief in a different way. How dare anyone tell me, its not ok to continue my life? I let those tears flow, but that would be the last time I would allow anyone to make me feel like I had to hold on to him. Like I had to stop moving because THEY were experiencing grief in their own way. Trying to make me  stay in their same path. NO. Its ok for me to move forward , he would have wanted me to be happy. SO many times he asked me to find love again, not to let this experience hold me back. "You are stronger than you realize, he said. " You will find happiness again"...

I get that there will be people that look at me and shake their head. Because I don't "fit" the mold they think I should be in. Its ok, shake away. I am at peace with me, with him. Because I know he is with me, he shows me daily. I know that death is not the ending but just the beginning. So go ahead and frown go ahead and shame me. I love you anyways. One day you will see what I do.

ANYWAYS ,.. haha back to my date. I was nervous because well I haven't done this shit in years! I got butterflies . Then doubt and self-esteem issues creped in. "What if I'm not good enough? What if, what if!! ahhh.. NO I cut that shit off. I looked at myself and said why not me? Shit I am awesome, I have risen from the darkens to this! If he can't see who I am , then well his damn loss. Not going to worry about it. I am. I am source, I am soul, I am beautiful. Oh I felt awesome. Like never before. The butterfly had opened her wings and seen her beauty. It was ooooh so damn liberating. SO many years of self hate, of people telling me I wasn't good enough, it all faded. I am good enough, I am strong, I am a warrior. See me fly you doubter you hater! Yes I also had those thoughts of would he be mad? What would he say about this? Then I sat down and took a deep breath. Well bubba I said, I am living life like you asked me many times. This is part of my journey and I know you want nothing but happiness for me. I know you are next to me, so lets roll baby!.. haha

The nerves faded away, I was ready. I met him, never once doubted myself. The date was good, I enjoyed myself. I stayed in the moment. I laughed like a fool, didn't care. Because this is me,. Love me or not. It does not matter if this date turns into another. Because he helped me step out, and realize how much I have changed. How this butterfly has opened her wings. Even if he just came into my life to show me that. I am ok with that!

Oh this journey has been such an eye opener. SO many aha moments for me. I know for a fact I would not be where I am , if I hadn't met him, or gone through what we did.  Nothing in life is coincidence, nothing is an accident. Everything has a lesson for us. Thanks to him this caterpillar grew her wings.

... love you

on butterfly wings...